Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

This.
Why isn't your husband spending his money on his family?

@Justkeepingplatesspinning I guess I've just never had access to his account so I am used to it now! I'm not a nosey person asking to see accounts or payslips etc. We have a joint account which he pays into for the bills to come out of and that's all it's used for. And he makes me pay into it occasionally if a bill needs to come out, even though I pay childcare and food from my account. I've asked him several times if we can just use the joint for both our wages to go into and bills to come out of, but he doesn't like the idea of it. I'm all out of ideas.

Married 23 yrs

husband had always earned at least 3 times what I do am it’s now 4 times

joint account all bills go out

there has never ever been an argument over money

@Pootlepattle I'm glad husbands like yours exist Xx

Don’t put all your money in one pot just have 1 joint household pot and separate accounts. Workout your total household cost per month £2000 for example then you spilt that based on income 30:70 etc. You can then even add on extra for holidays and have a saving account for yearly holidays.

I think most honourable women really hate being "reliant" on a man for money even in a marriage. But you are doing more than your share. You work outside the home, you work inside the home, you gave birth to your shared children, you are sacrificing your career path to care for you all. And this aresehole treats you like shit. When insurance agents calculate the insurance needed for a man to replace the services his wife and mother of his children provides in the event of her death, it is AT LEAST twice what he earns. Stop undervaluing yourself.

Quite right.

And if we also included the time when the OP was paying out her share of the bills when she wasn't earning any money at all (or at least a lot less than normal) during her maternity leave, the picture looks even bleaker.

How could anyone allow their partner (whether it's the man or the woman) to take a financial hit for looking after their joint children while they continue to have the same amount of disposable income as before.

He's paying a fair proportion of the household bills, that's not the problem. The rest of his attitude towards money and the OP is just despicable.

Why don't you start a thread about it instead of continually derailing the OP's thread. None of what you're posting is helpful to the OP.

all money in our house is joint money. We have separate accounts but the money is still ours not mine and his.

First time I’ve responded to anyone - but I am just so angry on your behalf. A marriage is a partnership- especially when you have children. Your husband is gaslighting you and frankly you deserve more respect. Solicitors will provide free advice sessions, which may give you confidence that if you divorce him he will have to pay for the children.

Your children deserve better than to observe a man treating their mother with so little respect.

For someone behaving so appallingly he has a very high opinion of himself.

Please seek advice!

Both earnings go into one joint account because earnings are for "us" not "me".

@Britpop123 you seem to have some sort of axe to grind? You clearly have skin in the game. Are you a high earning man or a woman paying a % of income.

You seem to struggle to grasp that it's not about each persons income, but rather their contribution to the family unit. If one partner, yes usually the woman, takes a financial hit to take maternity leave then work part time, they shouldn't suffer financially. They will be sacrificing career progression, pension contributions and pay in return for childcare and housework. This usually enables the other spouse to climb the ladder unhindered and increase their earnings, potentially at the expense of the other partner.
Paying a % is therefore not fair if the incomes are vastly different. What if one partner is a SAHP earning £0?

No skin in this game, just mildly perplexed by the hypocrisy demonstrated on this thread vs other threads about splitting earnings.

Are these threads where the man has taken paternity leave, dropped to part time and now has the majority burden of childcare and housework?
Can you link to them please?

The situation is clearly different though.

You used me as an example but my DH hasn't had a maternity leave, hasn't sacrificed any earning potential and hasn't gone part time to take on the majority of childcare and housework.

You share your resources in a family. All money into one pit. All expenses out. Share or save what's left over.

Om the surface you are paying about 1/3 of the bills and him 2/3 which based on earnings is a fair split.

The name calling wtc is shitty. But @mumtoboys12 you have posted several times before about him being an abusive arsehole but don't seem to take on board the advice to get your ducks in a row and leave him.

I am not sure how much more help people can be if you are determined to stay with him. Sorry to be harsh, but realistically you are the inky one who can improve your situation.

i’m a stay at home mum. Have 2 boys. The childcare is expensive si its not point for me working minimum wage. Husband earns very well. He paid all the bills, mortgage, food and give me some money for me and the kids to di stuff ir shopping aswell. Because i’m not helping with money i help him managing the house, cooking, cleaning etc. Doesnt not mean my husband not helping chores, sometimes he helps especially during weekend when he isnt working. Its sounds very 1950’s family but its works for us. Basically you have to know your share on the house. Its always have to be equal. Not just about money but wverything

You can get free 30 min solicitor consultations @mumtoboys12. You can try more than one solicitor, to try to get one you feel is best for you.

Ring round solicitors and ask if you could have a free chat with solicitor about matrimonial
Some will speak over the phone , other may say come in for free 30 mins

once you’ve been or spoken to them you will have an idea of what you will want to know
it’s usually what’s assets you have
house
pensions
savings
you could ? Also stay in the house till children are 18yrs old if you could afford the mortgage & want to stay there ?

also go on Turn2us website
this will tell you if you can claim anything, just gives you an idea it’s not official binding
you may get child care free
you will also get maintenance from him for the boys
just try it, see if your entitled to anything. Just in your name only

This example is one where it works because your collective contribution is valued, whether it's a salary from a job or being the primary parent and leading on running your home.
If @mumtoboys12 husband valued their contribution holistically it would make things different but it feels as though he sees family finances in a parallel way where they each have a particular responsibility for paying for X or y or z but not working together e.g. where he has her paying in extra to cover extra bills but he doesn't seem to.
I think having a chat with women's aid about financial control and coercive control might be an idea, @mumtoboys12 and that might help clarify things. Especially if you're wanting to talk with him and change how things happen.

Honestly I could not live like that. My husband and I have always shared our money in joint accounts. He never asks me what I spend and I would never tell him what he should be doing with money. We both trust each other to have the best interests of the family. We have two children and they have linked accounts either of us can deposit money into for their funds. Your life is shared. You work PT presumably to help childcare costs. Shouldn’t that be recognised? I don’t like the percentage split either as why should you have less money left at the end of the month. You should both access what’s left equally. Where is the love and joined lives in the way your husband is treating you. I’d have to take him for half of everything through divorce and that includes his pension.

When we lived in UK we were DINK and had a joint account plus separate accounts. I was the higher earner my salary went to joint account and we lived off that all food and bills plus a SO "pocket money" back to my personal account. DW's salary mostly went into savings minus a similar amount of personal money. The spending money was for treats, gifts, entertainment and dining out etc.
Now we live overseas and have a kid but we can live off DW's salary so she pays for everything and we try to save 100% of my salary. To maximise interest and security we transfer 10-20k from my current account to her savings account every couple of months.

It works well for us - we are planning to spend the rest of our lives together so his money her money didn't seem to apply any more.

There are other models but I think the key is the acknowledgement that couple-team is not like a football team or a work team where its only about "performance"; you are together for love and love of your kids, money should be one small part of the mutual support - and naturally there should be enough access for both partners' needs.

It's a proportionate payment, with no dependants. Before my DC came along I earned more than my DH. We have separate accounts but all money has always been "ours" as in if we needed it, we could have it. But because I earned more and budgeted better I always had more of my "own" disposable. Doesn't make me financially abusive. If he needed it, I'd have given it.

Then DC came along. Mat leave then PT hours for me and a change of job for DH have switched us round. Now he earns more and if you look at our bank accounts he has more of his "own" disposable money. But I can still have it if I want it, he pays more of the bills now like I did before. No one is abusive in these set ups.

Financial abuse happens when one partner has little or NOTHING of their own left after bills and the partner with "more" doesn't want to put into the family needs.

If you're going to attack women online from behind a keyboard, get it right first.