Husband wife two kids- who pays for what?

[mumtoboys12]

Husband earns 3 times what wife earns. Wife earns 1600 a month.
Husband says I'm taking advantage of him and he's a cash cow as he pays most of the bills.
I pay for childcare and all food shopping.
I also did the same on maternity leave earning no money so from savings.
Husband pays mortgage and bills

Is this fair? Or am I taking advantage?

So if you work part-time and use the rest of your time to look after your joint kids, that isn't pulling your weight?

I’m the main breadwinner in our house. I earn over double what my husband earns.

All our money goes in to one pot and we share the left overs. I know DH would end up with no money otherwise.

He is an amazing dad, does the majority of the housework and cooking.

I would never speak to my husband the way your partner spoke to you, he’d be heart broken and ashamed. I love him and have too much respect for him.

I’m really sorry to say but your husband sounds very manipulative - “you should feel lucky?” It’s an awful situation because I understand you not wanting to split the family up but do you really want your children to grow up thinking that’s how a man should treat a woman?

I am so sorry this is happening to you, you sound like such a caring person and you definitely don’t deserve it.

Good luck with any future decisions.

@Mikimoto perhaps he should have not got married or had any children then.
It’s not financial protection; it’s abuse actually. Educate yourself before posting such ignorant comments

What a dickhead. We have earned variable amounts over the years. We have always shared costs (and any 'spare' money) proportionally, especially after the children arrived. Plus purchases out of the ordinary (electronics, cars, holidays, expensive clothes etc) need mutual agreement after discussion.

This is very sad to read op. Please don't stay with this man who insults you and doesn't support the family finances fairly. He is financially abusing you. Leaving a man who does not see your worth is NOT going to ruin your DC's lives. It will NOT. I can't believe he hasn't even contributed to their Xmas presents. This is so depressing to read. You and your DC deserve better.

I don’t think this is family life OP, money is pooled, or what’s the point? It’s completely normal for one half a couple to earn more and one to focus more on kids and home. If he thinks you could up your hours or go back to your career then that’s a discussion, but hoarding the family money is not.

The court would see it as family money BTW. If you divorced you’d be entitled to a fair bit. I’m not saying you should auto LTB, but there is no way I would live my life like this. It is not a good example to your kids.

I've been doing some number crunching:

Him: £1500 + £800 + £1500 = £3800. Salary calculator puts this at about £68 000

Her: Earns £1600 a month. Salary calculator puts this at about £22 000.

So gross is X3, but not net.

Bills total: £3300.
Income total: £5400
Difference: £1900

(The numbers don't really match up)

The proportion of wage:bills is about right, however this leaves quite an unfair balance especially as I am guessing the OP is then paying all the child related costs. (Shoes, clothes, activities etc) and there is no indication of what is included in the bills total, for example does DH put his car costs in there but expects the op to cover her from her spending money. Even if not this is then unfairly weighted against the OP.

The DH is a twat for the name calling but if op is not in the place to leave then the finances need a serious look at. The 'joint pot' should cover everything, then what is left is the fun money. It might be that OP is left with £300, him £750 (for example, rough figures) but then that is personal spends rather than bills, and essentials.

The name calling and emotional abuse overrides any notion of fairness though.

(I personally am of the one pot mindset, but not everyone is but what is done needs to be fair)

We make about the same as you and your dh.

He pays the mortgage, bills, car etc

My money is technically my mine to spend. But I will pay any after school club (he needs it because I choose to work), my phone bill and any pay monthly things I have, I'll get bits of shopping here and there (main food delivery comes off his card) and usually put money into fun things to do together. I usually buy the little one clothes etc.

Any holidays are mostly paid by him and I'll add what I can.

Housework is mine

I haven't read all the replies sorry because I was so angry on your behalf and I know this will have been mentioned...tell him to pay childminders wages that he'd be paying to go to work! And house keepers fees.

Everything should be put together. You are both doing your bit, he only has his job because you are looking after his children.

He is an asshole. See how he copes with 50/50.

Fucking hell he's horrible

@Topofthemountain Thankyou ❤️ thanks for taking the time to number crunch. I haven't even got that far yet I just know it's uneven.

I'm back now and he won't even look at me. I've cleared up his dinner and washed it up.

Packed the boys bags for tomorrow

And off to bed to have a good cry. Tomorrow is a new day and I will figure out my plan tomorrow but I do know I have to leave, for my children.

I'm so sick of reading about shitty men. How can you ever feel secure in a relationship with someone like this!

But things would need to change if he couldn't do what he wanted...... a very telling line.

Many women don't understand they're being financially controlled, you work hard too, but don't get the financial recognition for that? Because he must have enough money to do what he wants, if he can also facilitate your needs or family needs that's great, but by your own words if that couldn't happen things would need to change?

If you want to give him a taste of his medicine and be really petty, when he turns a light on tell him to turn it off because you paid for it or to buy his own toilet paper because the stuff you bought is for you and the kids.

No. Our money is all in one account where all bills are paid from, whatever’s left belongs to us both to dip into. If I to make a BIG purchase I would speak to DH first but other than that the money is there for us both.

The bastard deserves to be divorced and fleeced until children graduate university

She is paying £1000 out of her total income of £1600.

He is paying £2300 out of his total income of £4800.

And that's before you factor in the unpaid labour and the maternity leave.

3300
op said he had 1500 left over

For your children, And for yourself.

May I also add, even on maternity leave when I was using my savings to pay my side of the bills, he was getting paid in the region of 5k. And I still had to pay my way. I'm sad.

He's made a mug of you. I'm glad you've realised you need to leave, for your children AND for you. You deserve to be treated with respect. He's not a good man.

if he won’t agree to one account then you pay in proportion to your salary. So he will pay more. Make sure you include everything for the children in the bills as well as household bills/mortgage

Op has clarified he takes home about 5k. So the 4800 we all worked out (3x her 1600) is about right

so for all those still having a go at him for the finances

he pays 77% of the costs while earning 75% of the money

he pays 69% of his money compared to the op paying 62% of hers

hes not financially abusive. He’s not ripping her off, he’s not underpaying

the other issues are separate

She says in her OP that he earns three times what she does, so she has either overstated his earnings or underestimated how much spending money he has left each month.

Since she's just referred to him earning in the region of £5k a month when she was on mat leave I suspect it is the latter and he actually has £2500 left to spend each month.

Your maths needs some work.