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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbours say they can only 'try' to control their child.

747 replies

sleeplessnights24 · 02/01/2024 23:50

I live in a new build. Everything has been ok, but the tenants upstairs have a 5 year old boy who doesn't stop stomping.

Running in the afternoon/normal hours is one thing, but this is in the early hours when people are clearly still asleep! It also happens in the middle of the night too...?! Surely a 5 year old can sleep through the night...? Also, why run if you're up that late?!

I noted the hours it happened. 5:30am, 5:40am, 6:30am - and weirdly 12:30am, 1:20am and 4:20am too. That's just in the last 3 weeks. On weekends it started at 6:50am and 5:40am. We are not just talking about brief periods of noise. It is often intermittent. The worst was 3:50am - which was intermittent until about 4:20am. Then again at 5:20am. Then at 7:30am. That night I didn't sleep at all since 3:50am.

Initially, all communications were fine. I only spoke up once I was at my wits end. I was polite - and so were they. No apology from their side though. They said they'd be mindful of the noise. Phew! I was grateful and hopeful to finally be able to sleep. I do not expect to live in silence (obviously), but stomping on your ceiling - when you're trying to sleep and it is still dark outside, is crazy.

A few months goes by... nothing changes. But because I had already complained once, I felt like I couldn't complain again... until I did.

Again, all polite from both sides. Said they'd be mindful. Ok.
Nothing changed again. Rinse & repeat. The noise - if anything - just got louder... so I spoke up again. Both sides nice and polite. They said it was 'confusing' that it was so loud. I asked multiple times if they'd like to come down and hear it for themselves as they didn't understand how it could be so disruptive. They ignored every invite to come listen.

They would say he 'only walks' on days I would be woken up in the morning - by running. They were/are defensive and looking for excuses. I get it. In many ways, I am not surprised. They kept saying they were 'being mindful' - but nothing ever changed. If the noise had reduced by 20% since I complained; at least that would be something. But there was literally no change.

I was transparent about having Bose headphones, white noise machines, etc... so they could see that I was doing things to drown out the noise from my side.

After 18 months of it happening on an almost daily basis, I complained to my building management Co. I had complained to management before - but their response was 'there's nothing we can do'. They didn't even pass on my sentiments to the owners of the flat.

This time I didn't relent - and asked them to pass/forward my email to the actual owners of the apartment upstairs. (Upstairs are renters). They did indeed forward my email to the owners.

I got a response saying the owners had spoken to their tenants - and the tenants have agreed to buy a rug and will 'try to control the movements of their child when possible'.

I took this as somewhat helpful - and was more angry that I was proven right in that what they'd done for the year prior - was nothing at all - certainly in terms of practical measures when they had told me there was nothing more they could do. Over the 18 months; there was one occasion where I (politely) asked what they had done to mitigate the noise... they didn't respond. (They have hardwood floors throughout).

For 8 weeks, they seemed to promptly stop the running in the middle of the night/early hours (which I only wanted stopped at unreasonable hours anyway) - but now we are back to square one it seems. I'm mindful of it being Winter (dark and awful weather outside) and also Christmas season, but I'm not sure why it keeps happening. They say the best they can do is 'try' to control it.

AIBU for not relenting and to keep complaining to management? The tenants have stopped opening my messages now.

OP posts:
Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 09:47

CHRIS003 · 03/01/2024 09:44

Does your block have a management company ?
In my block there is a rule of no unreasonable noise after 11pm - ie no loud music or using the rubbish Shute after 8pm !
If there is a noise rule In the lease agreement then they would be breaching this if child is running up and down excessively in the night.have you tried doing a recording of the noise and sending it to the management company

I absolutely agree, do this, record the noise constantly over several days and contact the council or management company and see if they agree it's excessive.

You definitely want an outside perspective on whether or not it really is someone doing something wrong or if it's just a kid running about a normal amount in a normal house and he's an early riser and out fo routine with Xmas holidays or winter illness

DoorLockedAgain · 03/01/2024 09:47

SuchiRolls · 03/01/2024 09:16

My youngest 8 (of 3 boys) is autistic and has a learning delay (he’s more akin to a 3 year old in his energy and behaviours). His sleep is very erratic. So I understand from the parents point of view, even if there is no SEN/neurodivergence involved, how hard it can be to keep them quiet during the night as if they need to run etc, then they do it because that’s what there body needs.

The issue here though is as you’ve said countless times, they need to try and put down flooring that absorbs some of the sound, even if it’s something they can roll up during the day. At least make an effort or keep the child in one room. I do that for the sake of the rest of my family sleeping, let alone a neighbour, being woken multiple times in the night. Do you ever hear either of the parents at these times? Do they seem to be with him? May not even be able to tell possibly? I’m concerned the parents can sleep through it and are just letting this small child get on with it. It does happen.

I’m just baffled at the comments that kids will be kids, so just accept no sleep for years on end until when? 🤷🏻‍♀️ There isn’t one person on here that would be ok with being woken multiple times a night by someone else’s noise. I think the main issue is that the parents just don’t seem that bothered. Let’s be honest here, your only complaint is the night time noise. It is not unusual to expect to be able to sleep. I can’t function on so little sleep for a continuous period. If I were told this from a neighbour I would do all I could and apologise if I couldn’t do any more. These tenants don’t seem to be acknowledging the issue let alone trying to work towards a solution.

I lived below a person in a new build flat that I owned, about 20 years ago and he’d laid laminate throughout. We were only meant to have it in Communal areas like hallway and kitchen. He often came in at 1-2am with a high heeled companion playing Coldplay full blast 😩 had many sleepless nights. But that was a full grown adult. I moved out eventually and bought a house.

I can see both sides of this argument, but ultimately feel the parents could be doing more to reduce the noise during the nights.

Plus…boots sell wax earplugs, I swore by them at uni. They block every bit of noise out! 5 ⭐️ 😂🥴🫣

I hope your tenants or their landlord try to come to an amicable solution for your own sanity and soon!

‘I’m just baffled at the comments that kids will be kids, so just accept no sleep for years on end until when? 🤷🏻‍♀️ There isn’t one person on here that would be ok with being woken multiple times a night by someone else’s noise. ‘

Quite. It’s weird that the neighbour being kept awake is seen as the aggressor rather than a victim, by a vocal minority on here.

People can be driven to feeling suicidal by noisy neighbours. We should not dismiss the impact on neighbours’ mental health of chronic noise disruption with no way of controlling it.

Strictlymad · 03/01/2024 09:48

I’m totally with you it must be torture. One thing i will say is partly it’s the buildings fault, why are there hard floors? And possibly inappropriate partitions (some newer builds have cut corners) we live in a new flat, my hubby will have the tv on quiet late at night and it’s actually louder in the bedroom where I’m trying to sleep than I’m the lounge! I get up to ask him to turn it down and it’s barely audible for him! But they really should be doing something to minimise it and be more acknowledging and apologise

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 09:48

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 09:41

See this though is why it sounds like op is focussing on 1 thing because it can't be the only noise. There will be conversation, parents footsteps, things will fall, toys etc, I just can't fathom the focus on this 1 aspect so wonder if op struggles with kids specifically, maybe has mispphonia herself so hears that 1 noise above all others.

The initial question I answered was regarding what I heard during those nighttime hours! Other hours; I hear random noises like appliances, chairs scraping etc... but that doesn't bother me in the slightest - and it is during normal hours anyway! I often hear toys, things dropping - but again, that's not a problem. Yes, the stomping and running is, of course, annoyingly loud during the day/evening - but again; that's normal hours. In the dead of night - when all you can hear is stomping on your ceiling (because there generally is no other household noise at that time night) is awful.

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate23 · 03/01/2024 09:48

This would drive me insane, OP, but new builds are shit. The parents should be doing everything they can to mitigate the noise, but they're basically made from cheap materials that do not insulate against sound/vibration.

HoHoHappy · 03/01/2024 09:49

We used to live in a new build flat and what we initially thought was upstairs neighbours stomping and banging was actually banging pipes. The noise was so ridiculously loud and genuinely unbearable.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 09:50

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 09:45

Left to their own devices int he sense the parents aren't even in the apartment? She doesn't hear hoovering? Washing machine? Doesn't hear them take their shoes off as they come in? Doesn't hear them loading the dishwasher? Not just doesn't hear them deal with the child.

Also doesn't hear the child speak? Sing? Whoop? Nothing? Just their feet?

If a kid is left to run riot you don't just hear footsteps you hear the accompanying crap an unsupervised 5 yr old gets up to

No in that they don’t get up and do what they were doing for 2 months. I am sure OP hears all those everyday noises but not at 2am. She is not complaining about everyday noises, that is part and parcel but a kid stomping around at all hours of the night keeping her awake is not.
Who knows why he doesn’t whoop, could be non verbal, doesn’t matter anyway. They proved they could keep him quiet for 2 months so they can do it.

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 09:51

I think it’s unjust I have to listen to peoples washing machines when I’m trying to sleep during the day and I can’t use mine at night

Justfinking · 03/01/2024 09:54

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 09:40

There could be a good reason for not having a carpet like asthma

🤦🏼‍♀️😳🤣

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 09:55

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 09:48

The initial question I answered was regarding what I heard during those nighttime hours! Other hours; I hear random noises like appliances, chairs scraping etc... but that doesn't bother me in the slightest - and it is during normal hours anyway! I often hear toys, things dropping - but again, that's not a problem. Yes, the stomping and running is, of course, annoyingly loud during the day/evening - but again; that's normal hours. In the dead of night - when all you can hear is stomping on your ceiling (because there generally is no other household noise at that time night) is awful.

So a child is waking in the early morning and it's taking a little time to resettle him? That's so ordinary. Honestly record it, contact the council, get an outside perspective. If you're correct and it is deemed an issue it'll be dealt with and if not... Then you get over it or move

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 09:55

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 09:43

Or maybe the kid is left to their own devices. Funny how the stomping stopped for 2 months when the landlord got involved.

I suspect he is. Certainly for 20/30+ mins as per my previous posts - because are they really going to be awake/watching him in the hallway - and doing nothing...?! I think no.

OP posts:
inamarina · 03/01/2024 09:56

Delassalle · 03/01/2024 00:19

If you have a hyper active child that you can't control during the night why would you live in a rented flat that is above others so that your wayward child is now a nuisance to others?

The parents are very nonchalant about it and don't appear to be 'on their knees' at all!

I'm
Betting they take sleeping tablets and the kid wakes ups and stomps around for attention as his parents won't or can't wake up.

Keep complaining op.

If you have a hyper active child that you can't control during the night why would you live in a rented flat that is above others so that your wayward child is now a nuisance to others?

Maybe they didn’t have much choice? Maybe there wasn’t much else available at their budget in that particular area?

I'm
Betting they take sleeping tablets

That‘s quite an assumption…

Justfinking · 03/01/2024 09:56

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 09:27

I don’t know if the kid is nocturnal it doesn’t make them antisocial there are a lot of nocturnal people it can be a genetic mutation

🤣🤣🤣

Coolhwip · 03/01/2024 09:57

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 09:51

I think it’s unjust I have to listen to peoples washing machines when I’m trying to sleep during the day and I can’t use mine at night

Maybe you could ask your neighbours if they can hear your washing machine?

I don’t use it at night even though I don’t think my neighbours can hear but I often load the machine and set it to come on at 6am so it’s done by the time I wake up.

Passingthethyme · 03/01/2024 09:58

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 09:17

A normally developing 5 yr old absolutely is able to understand and follow those rules.

Some kids aren't, for various reasons, they can TRY but if their brain development doesn't allow it what then?

Well then you don't get a house where you live on top of someone else surely??

gfggfgfgfg · 03/01/2024 09:58

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2024 09:20

I don't actually think it is normal child behaviour. I've never known one.

So things need to be put in place.

The parents need to soundproof as much as possible.
Are they trying to distract him? Find something else for him to do if he can't sleep?
Make sure he's burnt off lots of energy during the day if that helps?
Seen a doctor? (how are they functioning on such broken sleep either?)

Being 'mindful' means absolutely nothing

My child at 5 was still waking in the night. He had enlarged adenoids and was waking when his breathing was disrupted, and then struggled to get back to sleep. The NHS wouldn’t even look at his adenoids, despite the multiple symptoms that he was showing and him already being seen for another related condition. We eventually went private - not an option for most - and the first night after surgery to remove them he started sleeping right through. So there can be medical reasons and it’s not always easy to get the help that you need.

My child was quiet when he woke however it still deprived us of sleep as we were still awake when he was - I can’t imagine the parents of this child are happy about it either.

The 8 weeks of quiet might not have been linked to the complaint. The child could have broken their leg and been in a cast or it could have been for any other reason.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 03/01/2024 09:59

MN gets outraged whenever people suggest that we have flat blocks that are adult-only and flat blocks where families are welcome, but MN also likes to tell people that if a child has SEN then that's it, argument over, all the neighbours just have to be sleep-deprived for years on end. Even if the adult they're doing it to is also ND - doesn't matter, child has SEN, end of discussion.

My flat days are behind me, thank God, but I'd have scrimped and saved to rent in an adult-only block because every single flat I rented appeared to have a family of running and screaming children above me.

YANBU OP. Sleep deprivation is torture. The parents sound like wet lettuces and quite frankly I only have so much sympathy for them because they're also putting you through it. He's not your child and he shouldn't be keeping you up!

I think half the posters here just don't get what it's like to be on the receiving end of this.

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 09:59

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 09:55

I suspect he is. Certainly for 20/30+ mins as per my previous posts - because are they really going to be awake/watching him in the hallway - and doing nothing...?! I think no.

Exactly

ValerieMoore · 03/01/2024 10:00

Coolhwip · 03/01/2024 09:57

Maybe you could ask your neighbours if they can hear your washing machine?

I don’t use it at night even though I don’t think my neighbours can hear but I often load the machine and set it to come on at 6am so it’s done by the time I wake up.

You can hear the spin cycle. Well I can hear theirs and I’ve had people at my door freaking out about it being on at half 9

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 10:01

fitzwilliamdarcy · 03/01/2024 09:59

MN gets outraged whenever people suggest that we have flat blocks that are adult-only and flat blocks where families are welcome, but MN also likes to tell people that if a child has SEN then that's it, argument over, all the neighbours just have to be sleep-deprived for years on end. Even if the adult they're doing it to is also ND - doesn't matter, child has SEN, end of discussion.

My flat days are behind me, thank God, but I'd have scrimped and saved to rent in an adult-only block because every single flat I rented appeared to have a family of running and screaming children above me.

YANBU OP. Sleep deprivation is torture. The parents sound like wet lettuces and quite frankly I only have so much sympathy for them because they're also putting you through it. He's not your child and he shouldn't be keeping you up!

I think half the posters here just don't get what it's like to be on the receiving end of this.

I've lived in flats, including as a young person who worked all hours under a family with a child in a poorly insulated cottage flat. People make noise 🤷 unless someone is deliberately regularly partying late at night it never annoyed me. Even then it would need to be VERY regularly

Calliopespa · 03/01/2024 10:02

This sounds really frustrating OP. They ought at least to have put thick rugs in all areas relevant to this issue. But once that has been done they can’t really do a lot more: everyone aims to have their children sleep well at night and for some it’s a really tough issue. The other point I would make is that small children very often don’t really walk like we do if you watch them . They take lots of funny little stompy steps which could sound like he is trying to be noisy. Tbh have you considered moving? It sounds like an ongoing issue…

Icantbedoingwithit · 03/01/2024 10:02

gfggfgfgfg · 03/01/2024 09:58

My child at 5 was still waking in the night. He had enlarged adenoids and was waking when his breathing was disrupted, and then struggled to get back to sleep. The NHS wouldn’t even look at his adenoids, despite the multiple symptoms that he was showing and him already being seen for another related condition. We eventually went private - not an option for most - and the first night after surgery to remove them he started sleeping right through. So there can be medical reasons and it’s not always easy to get the help that you need.

My child was quiet when he woke however it still deprived us of sleep as we were still awake when he was - I can’t imagine the parents of this child are happy about it either.

The 8 weeks of quiet might not have been linked to the complaint. The child could have broken their leg and been in a cast or it could have been for any other reason.

Are you for real? The child could have broken his leg for 2 months and stopped stomping which conveniently coincides with the landlord complaining.
Ridiculous assumption.

Gymnoob · 03/01/2024 10:02

I can guarantee the parents feel your pain. A 5yo still up on the hour! I probably would have committed suicide. I do not joke.

Yesididntdothat · 03/01/2024 10:03

It's a bad move to put in hardwood floors in an upper flat. Any regulations about that?
you'd at least get some nice rugs for the areas the child stomps about on.

ichifanny · 03/01/2024 10:05

It’s a child moving about their house do you want them to tie him to his bed or not allow him to walk around ? Get earplugs and leave the family alone .