She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

@2pence A few years back a conversation with an acquaintance, regarding a mutual friend's open house/food/social invite went....

Her: Are you going to the [insert name of family]'s this afternoon?

Me: Probably not, I'm not feeling that sociable and quite tired.

Her: I'm not either but I just want to see what their house is like.

Me: Um okay, I don't care what their house is like because it would be them I would be going to see.

Awkward silence.

Some folk are just too nosey/gossipy.

Well, OP, the upshot is that it doesn't really matter why you weren't allowed to use her toilet.

Now you know you can't.

In the future, you'll need to plan your toileting without her toilet being an option.

Mil is a hoarder and won't let people in. She hasn't had hot water for years because she won't let anyone in to fix it. She suffered a very sudden bereavement years ago and just stopped looking after the house. My advice would be just be kind if you don't know what's going on

Actually, being a hoarder or having a very messy unclean house is a major sign of neglect, so if she does have children and the OP was fairly confident that the house was in a real state, then she should call SS. However, at present there is insufficient proof of that. But the poster who suggested this shouldn't get flamed.

Why are you putting “let” in quotation marks, as if normally allowing visitors into your home is something people don’t get a choice in? Even if you love having visitors, you’re still letting them in - they haven’t got a right to be there.

But the OP hasn’t even mentioned children - and she has no idea what condition the house is in (which is what’s irking her in the first place). Not having been inside a house is not just “insufficient proof” - it’s no proof at all.

Sorry, but I’ll be flaming away on this one.

I did home delivery for three years and there was 2-3 houses that I went in that shocked me

Ten years later I can still clearly remember them. I'm talking I couldn't get out of there fast enough

You will never know what lies behind some doors and it's best not to go inside so you may have dodged a bullet

Come on. Friends for years and being dropped home so happy for friends to run around after her, yet cannot allow friend to use the toilet. Same friend that gave left merely needed the toilet yet she refused. That's not boundaries that's unhelpful and not friendly after taking lift. So her 'boundaries ' means friend has to find a public toilet.... don't give the unreasonable woman a lift again.

Probably a dirty home, hoarder or happy to take lifts and unable to offer help back.

Her friend might also stop using people for lifts and putting them out. How selfish.

Obviously, she doesn't want anyone in her home. But it's probably more than this. I worked with a lady for over 10 years and no one had been in her home. Until another colleague who had chickens was looking for someone to 'chicken sit' when she went on holiday. This lady said ok, my other colleague thought she meant to stay at her house, but no she meant to bring her the chickens. So she did. The colleague, when she went to pick up the chickens, went in the house, the house was filthy, and the chickens had been roaming free all over the place, laying eggs and pooping. It was a complete hoarder's home. My 'chicken' colleague tried really hard to arrange cleaners and deep cleaning to her home, using the hook, that her chickens had caused the mess. And nothing. She left soon after, I think, as she was so ashamed that everyone now knew about her home.

Leave her be.

Well yes, the OP is perfectly at liberty to stop providing lifts.

i reckon its an embarrassment for her, hoarder or just super unclean

StockpotSoup
just an error- phone on the blink!!!

Oh come on! ND, sanctuary, hoarder, issues, hobbies bla bla bla...... "friend of five years"
and she won't let them use the loo?? not ok.
even if the house is terrible I'd let my friend use the loo and if there's something/one hiding it's best it comes to light now.

Exactly.

if there's something/one hiding it's best it comes to light now.

You can't really back someone into a corner and force them to do things on your timetable though?

It didn't work anyway - she simply can't force her way into someone's house!

So the OP has the option to:

1. Carry on as before.
2. Remain friends but no more lifts.
3. Stop being friends altogether.

If someone goes snooping through your stuff then they're the one who should be embarrassed, not you @BlackFriYay

This definitely

If your boundaries equate to being pretty unkind to your friend i.e by not letting them use the loo when they are desperate, I think I would be reflecting on the morality of my values. Civility is what makes the world go around harmoniously, like the OP giving her friend a lift, perpetuating self interest and self centeredness is not something we should be aiming for.

I don't allow people in my home,my house is bleached everyday it's not messy ect but it's the germs of others for me!
The thought of somebody using my toilet makes me feel sick 😫
This dose have the neighbours thinking tho 🤔 not one of them have been in!

Would you sit in someone else's car and let them give you a lift home

IME in all three cases the people I've known that sont let you in have had very messy houses and it was due to embarrassment.

Feel free to reflect on the 'morality of your values', I am fine with how I live my life.

(Also did you miss where I said I would let someone use our easily accessible loo?)

Sounds like hard work, I agree, but equally it's really nothing to do with you.