No alcohol wedding

[KK05]

So I’ve just discovered that my friends wedding in 3 weeks is alcohol free. I was always expecting to pay for my own drink on the day but it turns out they aren’t having alcohol at all. This was a shock as they both enjoy nights out with alcohol and her hen was messy.

My issue isn’t the fact we can’t have a drink, I would still be going either way it’s that we’ve only just found out.

All in all we have spent almost £300 for a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. Night before was so we didn’t have to try and check in either after the wedding or try to squeeze it in at some point throughout the day. Would never have stayed for even one night if I knew I could drive. Too far for cabs/public transport but would have happily driven there and back. Think country estate. Plus it’s a hour away from home (bride and groom live same town as me). Trying to cancel so fingers crossed I get some money back.

There was nothing mentioned on the invites and nothing was said until last night and even then was just mentioned in passing.

My question is it unusual to mention this on invites? I’ve never been to a wedding with no alcohol so not entirely sure. I also know that a few people going could be doing with the extra money in the bank even if only staying one night or trying to arrange transport to and from the nearest town.

Would it be unreasonable to mention to the happy couple that they need to make people aware before the day? Or AIBU suggesting this?

She’s a very good friend if that helps and it’s not the no alcohol that’s the issue but the extra expense that we didn’t really need to spend. Money isn’t a huge problem for us but I’m still annoyed I’m out of pocket.

@Moonshine5 it's a good idea to read threads before commenting.

There's literally no drip feed in her posts - her opening post was extremely clear in outlining what her issue was

That's not true. Literally from the first post implying lost her money, to second post it's cancelled and fine.
Anyway I still think you should respect the b & g and if alcohol is a deal breaker don't go. People shouldn't have to write it on their invites.... Where would it end lol

Updates with information that is also new to the OP are not the same as drip feeds. You can just click ‘see all’ on the OP. She’s only posted five times. It’s hardly War and Peace.

The OP has not cancelled her room. She's staying.

I think the person with the drink problem will be the first to find the open bar and they are misguided. I understand they are trying to do a good thing for this particular guest but I suspect it will not work out as they hope unfortunately. It may spoil their day, I would assume the guest is a parent? Or someone important to them.

Doesn't necessarily mean anything. Plenty of people feel they can control their drinking in one setting and not another. Not saying this is the case here, but it is an extreme position to take so it isn't likely to have been taken on a whim. Not least because of the fact they will know it will have got everyone talking. Either way my substantive point of supporting the B still stands. If they have someone in their bridal party/groom side that has an alcohol problem they will be finding the whole thing really stressful of they are hoping to keep a lid on it. It is a rubbish situation all round.

I agree that it's probably not appropriate to put it on the invite, but it seems that there is, or was a deliberate strategy to withold the information from the guests, in order to secure a discount, and that's what posters are pointing out. The best approach would have been to let people know informally around the time the invites were sent out.

The more I think about it, the more it doesn't sound right. I've known a few recovering alcoholics, and none of them has ever insisted on functions being alcohol free, nor has anyone insisted on their behalf. If this person exists and is this vulnerable, then they must have to avoid any and all social events in order to remain sober, so staying away from the wedding would have been the most logical approach for that person.

Haven’t read the whole thread so someone will have said this possibly but to look at this another way you have willingly spent £300 or whatever so that you can drink. You had that choice whether or not there would be alcohol served so i see your point and stuff but you had agency to make this choice whenever you wanted - if you’re expecting to be forced to drink alcohol at ever social occasion ever then I strongly suggest you don’t go! (Whether you wanted to drink or not)

I agree recovering Alcoholics don’t insist on events being alcohol free which means the person is probably not yet in recovery and will drink anyway, thereby ruining the day for the B&G who are going to miss out on toasts and probably create a disjointed event because everyone including the troublesome drinker will be in and out of the bar. They should rethink their strategy.

apologies OP I’ve read your posts now - totally see your point and YANBU - bit shit for the B and G that someone else’s issue has managed to impose itself so thoroughly. To be honest if a person is off the drink for addiction/misuse reasons I reckon that’s a brilliant excuse for them to say they can only come for the ceremony and a bit of a stand around after and then go home to slippers and safety - I say this as someone who has done this for this reason myself. Hope everyone has a lovely time though

When I was young Bearsden and Milngavie were mostly dry areas. Not very working class!
I didn't drink so drove my fiends to The Car Beth Inn.
Didn't drink until I moved South in my 30s

I am starting to think the one with the drinking problem is the groom - he likes to drink and the bride is concerned he will ruin the wedding therefore the whole thing will be alcohol free to try and stop him from drinking. Makes sense why the brides mum doesn’t know who it is if the bride has been hiding how bad the drinking is.

Hopefully I’m wrong but I’m too invested in this thread

The room issue is the problem

"She seems to be in the dark as much as me about the whole stopping someone from drinking so no idea who it is."

Any chance it's the Bride or Groom themselves?
That sounds especially odd to me that even MoB is in the dark - Could the bride be pregnant?

Totally agree with this. OP said they all drank together recently when this was brought up. Maybe it was New Year’s resolution for him to quit.

Or maybe bride is TTC and doesn’t want people questioning why she’s not drinking?

I think it’s come from B/G not drinking rather than anyone else.

It’s not though, read the post. It’s about knowing there wasn’t the option to have a drink, in which case Op would choose to save money by driving home.

Thanks for the update!!

I wonder if it's someone on the groom's side. It is a difficult situation but inconveniencing dozens of other people isn't the solution. I could see having a dry wedding in one's own garden or a church-owned facility or something like that, but when the hotel bar is steps away, they've accomplished nothing. Other than ruining their own costly reception.

It's nice of you to maintain your hotel booking and plan to be there for them but the unfolding of the wedding day/evening should be interesting. I hope you have time to keep us posted!

She did say the hotel required her to have rooms booked for discount and she's worried people will cancel and they will have to pay the difference this is why she feels she can't say anything

Very manipulative language from the bride here. Usually when people “feel they can’t say anything”, it means they want to say something, but something is stopping them - the knowledge they’ll upset someone or will cause an argument etc. Not saying anything is a peacekeeping measure.

The bride doesn’t for one moment “feel she can’t say anything”. She is actively choosing NOT to say anything, not to avoid arguments or upsetting anyone, but to make sure she and the groom don’t lose their discount for filling the hotel. She’s deliberately lying by omission to people she supposedly cares about to save cash. I’d be cancelling the hotel just to spite her.

My photographer had done a wedding where the groom had to be carried out and his speech read out by his best man. 😫

The bride suddenly finding she's pregnant and going to elaborate lengths to hide it would explain why MOB is in the dark. Keeping the fact that you're not drinking alcohol secret for a whole day and evening would be tough, even with convincing substitutes. But that doesn't account for why she made a reference to the room bookings and being reluctant to tell people before they arrive. Whatever the real reason, it is a high risk strategy.

@Mirabai

dinner and drinks is way more fun than a boring afternoon tea

@Mags57 oh yikes!!!

Yeah, when one can select the food, music, venue, dress code and other elements.

Not so much at the typical dreary wedding reception with third-rate everything.

But surely then making the wedding unexpectedly dry would put more focus on alcohol/cause speculation as to why (and therefore mean speculation if the bride was pregnant etc).

I was at a wedding recently and sober (pregnant but too early to share) and actually found it surprisingly easy to hide the lack of drinking - and I’m somebody who’s known to like their wine! I carried the same glass of champagne around for me most of the day just taking a tiny sip for the toasts then switched to tonic water from the bar. I must have been convincing as at some point I asked a friend to grab me a lemonade from the bar and she asked me if I felt I’d had too much to drink and did I want to go get some fresh air…