No alcohol wedding

[KK05]

So I’ve just discovered that my friends wedding in 3 weeks is alcohol free. I was always expecting to pay for my own drink on the day but it turns out they aren’t having alcohol at all. This was a shock as they both enjoy nights out with alcohol and her hen was messy.

My issue isn’t the fact we can’t have a drink, I would still be going either way it’s that we’ve only just found out.

All in all we have spent almost £300 for a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. Night before was so we didn’t have to try and check in either after the wedding or try to squeeze it in at some point throughout the day. Would never have stayed for even one night if I knew I could drive. Too far for cabs/public transport but would have happily driven there and back. Think country estate. Plus it’s a hour away from home (bride and groom live same town as me). Trying to cancel so fingers crossed I get some money back.

There was nothing mentioned on the invites and nothing was said until last night and even then was just mentioned in passing.

My question is it unusual to mention this on invites? I’ve never been to a wedding with no alcohol so not entirely sure. I also know that a few people going could be doing with the extra money in the bank even if only staying one night or trying to arrange transport to and from the nearest town.

Would it be unreasonable to mention to the happy couple that they need to make people aware before the day? Or AIBU suggesting this?

She’s a very good friend if that helps and it’s not the no alcohol that’s the issue but the extra expense that we didn’t really need to spend. Money isn’t a huge problem for us but I’m still annoyed I’m out of pocket.

I think it would be gracious to let the guests know. In particular if they are hoping people will not drink to discourage the person with a bad relationship with alcohol from drinking. People attending your wedding want you to be happy and want to support you. This half in/half out approach, where you can buy alcohol but they’d prefer you didn’t is really unclear for all involved.

It would be better to be transparent.

See, if it is one of these people, I can't see how the MoB wouldn't know or even the OP, who seems very close (and able to be very open) with the bride.

@OVienna - but surely it must be a main player to warrant such a big step? The alcoholic fifth cousin flying in from Arizona wouldn't derail a whole wedding.

Maybe its the vicar!

Or maybe one of the bride and groom has just realised they've got a problem.

Or maybe its all bollocks and its a genius cost saving measure.

I’d be investing in a hip flask and spending the wedding in the hotel bar!!!

It all sounds very weird, OP. Unless the family member whose sobriety is being preserved at all costs is somehow a kind of pagan sacrifice, who will be gently led around a glade and anointed with scented oils before being burned at the stake?

😂😂😂😂😂🥃

To be honest I don't think i'd go. What sort of person doesn't mention that it's alcohol free and lets people book hotels based on the assumption that they will be drinking if they wish? To be honest it's the way she has gone about it which would annoy me. You are a good friend, better than I would be. Remember to sneak a bottle in....

Abso-fucking-lutely

I agree with you that she’s being very selfish by not letting people know so that they can decided whether they want to stay over or drive so that she can save some ££. Once you see people in certain light you can’t unsee it.

They're deluded if they think having no alcohol on the table but a bar in the hotel is going to keep anyone on "the straight and narrow". If someone wants a drink they will find a way to have it.

Indeed.

I also appreciate a glass of nice wine with dinner . If you can’t celebrate at a wedding - of two drinkers! - with a nice glass of wine or some bubbly, when can you?

I wondered this, because it's so completely inept. If you actually want a dry wedding, you don't book a venue that's selling alcohol on the premises.

Sounds like it's on the grooms side if MOB wasn't aware of it.
I wonder if brides DPs are funding any of it.

I'd be mortified if I was paying money to such an event that seemed to care so little about its attendees enjoyment.

I wondered this, because it's so completely inept. If you actually want a dry wedding, you don't book a venue that's selling alcohol on the premises.

Quite.
It doesn't make sense.

Isn't it a bit sneaky withholding information at the start so that guests booked rooms, which benefits B&G by getting a discount?

There was a thread on here recently about a couple who wanted to have people over for an evening, no alcohol for religious reasons and that seemed perfectly reasonable. They'd said in advance and the choice of (non alcohol) drinks sounded lovely, not just coke.

A wedding is a bit different though, you meet loads of people you don't know, and want to let your hair down a bit.

@KK05 I'd definitely cancel the first night. You might enjoy staying the 2nd night. I have a favourite hotel which I try to get away to once every few months by myself.

What a recipe for disaster. Her wedding will end up moving to the main bar anyway, what a waste of time! She really needs to rethink this. When’s the wedding, OP?

@Christmaslights21 it's 3 weeks time

Don’t pay attention to all the “surely you can go a few hours without alcohol” posts. You’ve said many times you’d have been fine with it had you known and not spent a huge amount on two nights accommodation that you don’t need if not having a drink.
I’d be fine (not happy about it, but accepting) with a booze-free wedding if I knew in advance and planned accordingly. I’d be very pissed off if I found out on the day after spending £100’s on a hotel room and would be spending the majority of my time in the bar, probably with the majority of other guests. Knowing ahead I’d just accept that’s what it is, be there, enjoy, and drive home after.

I would cancel the hotel and attend for the ceremony only, then nip right back home, job done. A pleasant day and not the whole evening ruined, nor the budget blown.

@KK05 are you sure it isn't the B or G in recovery? It is very extreme to say a no alcohol wedding unless there are religious reasons or someone in the bridal party who might struggle. I say this as someone who has been surrounded by alcoholics all my life. I think my advice would be to proceed with caution and support your friend as much as you can. There is a lot more going on here than meets the eye.

Other Relatives/Guests who become dangerously antisocial once under the influence?? Seen more than one wedding etc ruined because of that. In fact by me -before I was in recovery 😲

YANBU. They definitely should have said!

We went to a wedding last year, one of DPs close colleagues, and by the brides request, all guests were to vacate at 9pm!!!! No reason other than she doesn’t like to stay up late!! Not mentioned on invites.

And this was even with the actual wedding being at 4pm. We had booked a hotel, an overnight babysitter, paid for a takeaway for babysitter and kids plus only found out about the end time when it came around, after we had spent a lot on drinks

Venue and hotel was a bit ‘out of town’ so we couldn’t even go anywhere afterwards very easily

DP was furious. Had we known we would have driven as it was only around an hour from home. About £400 out of pocket - and no we couldn’t afford to just throw money away either.

I'm too invested in this thread but the OP found out about it at a new year's eve party when both were drinking.

Yes in fact a dear friend of mine’s wedding involved a fantastic afternoon tea. It was much more enjoyable than the endlessly long canapés + dinner + dancing jobs where you’re clock watching and wondering how soon you can leave without looking rude.

Very, very few would say "Oi, what's this all about then??" at a wedding, and even if they did I guarantee the answer would be "Well nobody else minds" with massive offence taken all round

Totally disagree - not so much about the absence of alcohol. But you can be sure that those who've booked rooms, only to discover they could have saved money on said room by driving, will have LOTS to say about that!

I really really hope @KK05 updates us on how this wedding goes!