No alcohol wedding

[KK05]

So I’ve just discovered that my friends wedding in 3 weeks is alcohol free. I was always expecting to pay for my own drink on the day but it turns out they aren’t having alcohol at all. This was a shock as they both enjoy nights out with alcohol and her hen was messy.

My issue isn’t the fact we can’t have a drink, I would still be going either way it’s that we’ve only just found out.

All in all we have spent almost £300 for a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. Night before was so we didn’t have to try and check in either after the wedding or try to squeeze it in at some point throughout the day. Would never have stayed for even one night if I knew I could drive. Too far for cabs/public transport but would have happily driven there and back. Think country estate. Plus it’s a hour away from home (bride and groom live same town as me). Trying to cancel so fingers crossed I get some money back.

There was nothing mentioned on the invites and nothing was said until last night and even then was just mentioned in passing.

My question is it unusual to mention this on invites? I’ve never been to a wedding with no alcohol so not entirely sure. I also know that a few people going could be doing with the extra money in the bank even if only staying one night or trying to arrange transport to and from the nearest town.

Would it be unreasonable to mention to the happy couple that they need to make people aware before the day? Or AIBU suggesting this?

She’s a very good friend if that helps and it’s not the no alcohol that’s the issue but the extra expense that we didn’t really need to spend. Money isn’t a huge problem for us but I’m still annoyed I’m out of pocket.

I can’t imagine how the one special guest is going to feel when they realise that the dry wedding is due to them. I would be mortified and furious. They will find out for sure, people will be mentioning it for start especially if everyone only finds out when they get there.

@Newchapterbeckons

several of our friends had weddings in very posh locations (bar costs £££) then a few chose much cheaper venues with a normal bar. they were much better weddings.

Listening to people moan (understandably) about the bar costs ruins a wedding. Who wants to leave feeling aggrieved that they spent £300 on hotel, £200 at the bar, plus travel, plus gift, plus outfit, plus hen/stag do.
One of our friends weddings cost us well over £1000!

The waiting staff will find loads of empty bottles under the tables

Because you can’t possibly enjoy a wedding unless everyone’s pissed!

Yes that’s about the strength of it. Rather than owning the overspend they are also blaming an alcoholic relative for the lack of lubricant at the wedding. Which to me is deceitful. No one cancels all drinks for everyone just because you have one person with alcohol issues.

They are probably horrified at the cost of everything. Asked for an itemised list of all costs - and the cost of wine etc will have stood out as something they can do without.
They can pro load beforehand and all of the guests can admire their ‘be kind credentials’ for forgoing alcohol for darling uncle Mcshitfaced they hope - but most guests will see straight through this fallacy for sure.
Then the hotel rooms will be paid for by the guests already, too late loooosers as well as expensive gifts, suits, travel costs and now drinks at the wedding on their tab, but by then it’s tough titties and the extra saved will make a great honeymoon fund for the CFs if that hasn’t been paid for already by said guests! Unbelievably poor form.

You didn’t upset the bride OP, she’s upset because it’s dawned on her that she and her fiancé can’t have everything their own way if they want the big wedding with lots of guests because there are consequences to that and guests need to actually be hosted.

I can’t work out wether I feel sorry for this couple of angry at them on behalf of their guests. It does not set the tone well for a wedding when people have traveled and spent money to be there only to sit down find they don’t even get a glass of Prosecco to toast.

Pissed? I never drink to get pissed. I haven't been 'pissed' in years but I still like a drink. Drinking to get pissed stopped in my 20's. thirties.

I woukdnt enjoy an adult party/family party which a wedding PARTY is without a drink, no. I'm sorry that's a problem for you, but I'm of legal drinking age and it's also very very very normal to have a drink at weddings.

i don’t think this is correct.

I don’t drink at social events (dinners, coffees, walks) where I don’t get processing overwhelm.

I do get processing overwhelm at parties, weddings, big social events. The overwhelm is undoubtedly down to my autism. If I have a couple of drinks the impact on my brain is noticeably easier/less likely to happen and I can engage/join in/have conversations.

Therefore I have a moderate level of alcohol under very specific circumstances to mitigate the effects of the circumstances on my brain. If I wasn’t autistic I wouldn’t consume the alcohol - I only do it to limit the overwhelm.

anyway - regardless, the point I was making has been derailed. What I was saying is that ‘if you can’t have fun at a party without alcohol you have a problem’ Is overly + unhelpfully simplistic.

Hopefully the bride has realised shes going to have some ill feelings on her hands and can let everyone know the situation.

It's been exceptionally badly designed then, because there's a bar serving alcohol on the premises. Which apparently guests are now going to be told about. If you're actually trying to design a dry wedding, it's not a bright idea to do it in a place that sells alcohol.

Exactly.

No one would mind an alcohol-free afternoon tea or soft drinks, as long as it takes place right after the ceremony and people are free to leave in an hour or two. In fact, most of us would PREFER this, to the typical dragged-out pageant that sucks up 16-18 hours (including dressing/grooming/travel/etc) of a precious weekend, if not an overnight.

But evening receptions are generally not alcohol-free, and many people as has been noted are shelling out significant sums so they can safely stay and party into the night. It's just deceitful on the part of the B&G for their own purposes. They wanted the fancy country inn (or whatever) without offering the expected hospitality.

I'm sure it's difficult if the groom's father or whoever can't be trusted to remain under control but in that case, it behooves the couple to give up the dream of the country house wedding and have a small quiet family wedding, or a morning wedding with brunch, or something. They can't meld together their fantasy event at the expense of their guests. It's just so self-centered.

Most people find these occasions stressful even if they are NT, making small talk all day with people you barely know. The Russian roulette of where you will be seated. The general stress of what to wear, getting there, sorting out childcare or entertaining exhausted children all day, hen and stag events, travel and gift costs. I am sometimes amazed that anyone is willing to do all of this to be there for B&G and the thanks they get is a glass of water on arrival!!

I remember being really grateful for my guests and their love and kindness and we paid for everything, as we understood it is huge undertaking for some guests. Especially our disabled relatives.

They may be unhappy but there's not much they can do about it
Very, very few would say "Oi, what's this all about then??" at a wedding, and even if they did I guarantee the answer would be "Well nobody else minds" with massive offence taken all round

Even if no one says anything loudly there will be lots of muttering between groups and general mild grumpiness. Not really what you want your wedding to be remembered for.

She seems to be in the dark as much as me about the whole stopping someone from drinking so no idea who it is. Was also very shocked about the dry thing.

@KK05 it must be either the father or mother of the groom or the best man if the MoB has no clue.

I would think it's mostly likely to be the best man because he has to make a speech so if he's an alcoholic, it would be very messy. The father or mother of the groom are more 'containable' in the sense that they are non-speaking participants, and although highly visible, the other partner could help to manage them.

It's got to be a main player if they are going to all these lengths to inconvenience other guests by keeping it dry.

I feel sorry for them but also exasperated. The expectations of guests have gotten so out of hand, and the costs absurd. Why people can't have a modest local wedding and then go off alone together on a honeymoon is beyond me, instead of concocting an inconvenient pageant with themselves in the starring role, causing friends and family to fork out for accommodations, transport, attire, child/pet care, gifts, hen/stag, etc. etc.

And the "best" part is that these nuptial stars probably already are living together and may well already have children. The wedding is not the big "life transition" as they will go back to their ordinary humdrum lives with nothing changed.

When weddings were the launch of a new stage of life they probably were more interesting but now it's ho-hum, Andy and Olivia are finally tying the knot, don't their kids look cute as bridesmaids, oh look their dog is wearing a tie, zzz. Meanwhile the guests are doing without other holidays, home DIY, outings or otehr things in order to "celebrate" at the style to which the B&G think they are owed. It's dreary. For years now we have made a point of attending the ceremony only, job done. IF it's convenient.

Tbf I find weddings very dull! Definitely helped by alcohol!

See, if it is one of these people, I can't see how the MoB wouldn't know or even the OP, who seems very close (and able to be very open) with the bride.

@LittleBearPad I completely agree. I recently went to a wedding where the (all vegan) food was terrible and although no one said it specifically there were lots of muttering of “that was an interesting choice” and “I’ve never had it served like that before, maybe that’s how it’s meant to be”… and lots of plates uncleared!

I’ve only come across one dry wedding (religious reasons). Apparently the guests got drunk before they arrived and kept disappearing to the local pub during the reception. Not the scenario I think they were hoping for!

This sums it up well.

I've been the driver at weddings, and still enjoyed them immensely, but "people generally" are likely to relax a bit, and be more up to laughing at the speeches, and more up for getting up and having a dance etc when they have had a couple of drinks.
That doesn't mean getting pissed. There is a long way between relaxing a bit and getting legless for most people.

I went to a wedding in the Church hall at a Methodist Church (no alcohol on the premises) some 35 years ago.
A few people chose not to come.
Many people decamped to the pub over the road after a while, or "just for a couple".
Those of us left in the hall were being polite rather than having a ball.
People drifted away MUCH earlier than at any other wedding I have been to.
Part of me felt sorry for the B&G but part of me thought 'What did you expect?'

I can't put my finger on why I think this...but I think there is no one person in recovery. no one would want this to happen because of that reason...unless it's bride or groom. How long ago was the hen?

The amount of bad feeling that will be generated when people find out they've paid for unnecessary rooms is going to be huge.

And how will guests be prevented from bringing alcohol into the wedding area?

Something doesn't add up here.

It's also probably no a smoking venue as well. Should she bring her cigs and ashtray?

No. Respect the bride's and groom's wishes or don't go. If it's over a few days a way she should be able to cancel and get her money back.

Even if no one says anything loudly there will be lots of muttering between groups and general mild grumpiness

True enough, LittleBearPad, but sadly there are some who simply don't care about their guests as long as they get their Instagrammable day

It's usually about now that someone insists MNers want everyone to get married in a binbag, but actually a happy medium's possible without bankrupting the hosts or pissing off the guests, and it can often produce a much nicer day all round

I have been saying the same.
Let’s imagine I am the one in recovery, would I want the whole wedding party to remain dry in my honor? Hell no! That is so shaming and embarrassing. Drawing massive unwanted attention. Of course the guests will be wondering who it is..

The biggest indicator that there is no such person is the MOB not even knowing who they are! Clearly any bride making a decision like this would discuss the details first.