No alcohol wedding

[KK05]

So I’ve just discovered that my friends wedding in 3 weeks is alcohol free. I was always expecting to pay for my own drink on the day but it turns out they aren’t having alcohol at all. This was a shock as they both enjoy nights out with alcohol and her hen was messy.

My issue isn’t the fact we can’t have a drink, I would still be going either way it’s that we’ve only just found out.

All in all we have spent almost £300 for a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. Night before was so we didn’t have to try and check in either after the wedding or try to squeeze it in at some point throughout the day. Would never have stayed for even one night if I knew I could drive. Too far for cabs/public transport but would have happily driven there and back. Think country estate. Plus it’s a hour away from home (bride and groom live same town as me). Trying to cancel so fingers crossed I get some money back.

There was nothing mentioned on the invites and nothing was said until last night and even then was just mentioned in passing.

My question is it unusual to mention this on invites? I’ve never been to a wedding with no alcohol so not entirely sure. I also know that a few people going could be doing with the extra money in the bank even if only staying one night or trying to arrange transport to and from the nearest town.

Would it be unreasonable to mention to the happy couple that they need to make people aware before the day? Or AIBU suggesting this?

She’s a very good friend if that helps and it’s not the no alcohol that’s the issue but the extra expense that we didn’t really need to spend. Money isn’t a huge problem for us but I’m still annoyed I’m out of pocket.

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you for putting it better than I managed to.

In other words, they're getting people to come to their wedding reception under false pretences?

It will stop people getting plastered at their wedding. Even if guests got drunk the night before, they'd be nursing a hangover and won't have the opportunity to keep drinking at the wedding.

I don't't think the bride's family want to solve guests problems with alcohol. They are protecting their own wedding;

One of the problems is that the traditional format of a UK wedding isn’t that compatible with them being alcohol free. They are long, and honestly while I’d be totally happy to do an AF afternoon wedding ( so service then afternoon tea and polite chat and leave by 6 format) 10 hours of non stop socialising is somewhat facilitated by the time warp fun juice ( aka alcohol) which makes you go “omg how is it midnight already. Please can we have Come on Eileen one more time?”. People who have had a few drinks have a longer social burn in general which keeps the party going. Otherwise there is a tendency for people to do an Irish goodbye after dinner as they’ll have talked to everyone they want to talk to by then.

Even when people don’t drink themselves at uk weddings ( as I have done on many occasions) they still kind of benefit from other people drinking and giving it a bit of momentum/ energy ( esp re dancing). I’d way rather go to a 10 hour wedding and be the only sober person than literally everyone be sober.

So what I’m saying is AF wedding is fine and can be v enjoyable but not on the traditional day long format because vast majority of people just don’t have the social stamina for it AF

So MOB just called me, I've really upset the bride since I asked what was going on.

MOB has spoken to daughter and explained I was only asking to ensure I knew what was happening and to try and prevent upset on the day.

MOB does agree with me about letting people know and wasn't aware of financial issues with the room booking etc.

She seems to be in the dark as much as me about the whole stopping someone from drinking so no idea who it is. Was also very shocked about the dry thing.

She is going to try and talk to both B&G plus grooms family.

She has decided to let her guests know in advance but also with the note that the hotel bar will be available.

I can see the wedding moving from the reception to the bar.

We have decided to just stay and not cause any more issues BUT we will be spending time in the bar and will be taking alcohol for our room. I will speak to the other couple and let them know though. I don't want the fall out if they find out I know and didn't mention it.

Also for those commenting about the financial aspect, yeah it's nice and generally the norm for wine with dinner and a toast but wouldn't expect it. I am fully intending to pay for our drinks throughout the day/night.

You're completely missing the point.

The issue is not that guests 'can't go without alcohol'. The issue is that if there is no alcohol at the event then there is no longer a requirement for people to fork out for an expensive hotel room they don't need, as no alcohol means they can drive home instead.

People aren't attending the wedding to 'get drunk' - it's just universally accepted that there will be alcohol served at a wedding.

Surely that's not difficult to understand?

My sister got married in 2014 and held her reception at a winery. One of our uncles is a recovering alcoholic, my sister notified the winery, made it clear on the seating plan and talked to them on the day.
At the same time, my uncle took responsibility and asked the waitress to remove the wine glasses as he would not be drinking anything alcoholic.

He'd been dry about two years then, now has been dry for 12 years.

Him having problems with alcohol didn't stop my sister and her husband from having alcohol at their wedding.

The MOB wasn't aware about what was going on and why? Blimey.

YOU’ve upset the bride for asking a question?! How ridiculous, she sounds a bridezilla 😂 It sounds like you’re the scapegoat for the fact that she is now realising people won’t be happy at their lack of communication. Such a weird decision.

I agree to make the other couple aware!

"She seems to be in the dark as much as me about the whole stopping someone from drinking so no idea who it is."

How on earth could the MoB be in the dark on who it is? Okay, it might be a member of the groom's family but surely if they are going to these lengths, it is someone close enough that it would have been discussed before now.

If this were real the bride would be making this decision tantrum free, @KK05 and there would be a lot more transparency around it all.

Keep reminding yourself: it's NOT a dry event if there is a hotel bar. Don't feel guilty, although in your shoes I probably wouldn't cancel the hotel room. But you haven't done anything wrong. Bridezilla is pissed off and stamping her feet because she's been rumbled.

yeah it's nice and generally the norm for wine with dinner and a toast but wouldn't expect it.

Do you mean that you wouldn’t expect to be poured a glass of something for a toast, or that you would not expect there to be a toast at all?

Toasts are pretty fundamental to weddings, are they not? I find the idea of people raising their water glasses/tumblers of Diet Coke to be very weird, though I guess that’s what non-drinkers have to do at any wedding.

Don’t most venues have a minimum bar spend to make sure that their costs are covered? Everywhere I’ve ever hired has done, including for my wedding.

I read it as its not expected for the alcohol for these things to be provided free.

It's a shame it's got to the point of upset; it sounds like potentially a member of the groom's family and perhaps B&G were pressured from his side to keep it dry? It's certainly a very odd decision for a couple who enjoy a drink.

Based on your updates, I would stay and do as you plan to do. The thing is there's no way people won't find the bar and I do think they,l lose a huge chunk of people to the bar.

I also doubt they'd be able to stop people brining a drink into the room. Who the hell wants to police that or be policed at a wedding?

It must be an important person to create all this hassle for.

Yeah, B and G could be in for a nasty shock there too. The markup on soft drinks is actually pretty high, I understand, but once people get wind the hotel bar is serving alcohol a lot of them are going to be buying from there instead.

You said it was more addictive than heroin. It isn’t.
The amount of problems it causes is a totally different issue. However, yo7 might want to have a think about relative numbers - what percentage of people who drink alcohol devastate their lives cf what percentage of heroin users?

I.hope the bride & groom aren't too upset then when most of their guests end up in the bar rather than at the reception. Sort of defeats the purpose if everyone can pop into another bar to get alcohol.

So it’s exactly what we thought. The rooms are bankrolling some/most of the venue costs.

They have booked a venue they can’t afford, they have cut out alcohol quite deliberately to further help with the escalating costs - using a random alcoholic family member whom will never be identified for privacy reasons as a fig leaf and cover.

The bride will drink as she gets ready and is happy to not drink at the meal. They are counting on the fact many of those that enjoy a drink will ‘find’ the bar and it’s not their fault if it ends up in the function room - they can’t be expected to police people’s drinks.

Most guests will feel deceived and hoodwinked ( which they will have been!) Your friend is counting on your participation in the deceit, by not camcelling your room or telling anyone else. No wonder you are upset op.

You now face the unenviable choice of honesty to your other friends and risk mass exodus and cancellations, and all the consequences of that. Or continue the lie and be implicated.

Your friend has behaved disgracefully.
This is not about an alcoholic relative but about bank balances and money grabbing.

The wedding will be in the bar, and I am not entirely sure the happy couple will be entirely welcome. Weddings cost an extortionate amount for guests as it is. What are they now rent a crowd for Instagram padding 😑

I’d be sourcing a hip flask.

But for a toast everyone needs to have a drink in front of them at the same time. That doesn’t work if people are buying drinks individually.

It can work with water or orange juice just as well.

Maybe if in a stemmed glass I suppose. But a toast is different to a Cheers, IMO doesn’t work if you raise a tumbler!

I presume there'll still be some form of drink available with the meal, and usually it's at the meal that toasts are done. Or maybe there'll be a sparkling, non-alcoholic drink provided specifically for the toast? I've seen toasts done with the glasses used with the meal, even if they're empty people can raise them.

It has no bearing in cost though. A pay bar where you can take drink to the table costs no more.