No alcohol wedding

[KK05]

So I’ve just discovered that my friends wedding in 3 weeks is alcohol free. I was always expecting to pay for my own drink on the day but it turns out they aren’t having alcohol at all. This was a shock as they both enjoy nights out with alcohol and her hen was messy.

My issue isn’t the fact we can’t have a drink, I would still be going either way it’s that we’ve only just found out.

All in all we have spent almost £300 for a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. Night before was so we didn’t have to try and check in either after the wedding or try to squeeze it in at some point throughout the day. Would never have stayed for even one night if I knew I could drive. Too far for cabs/public transport but would have happily driven there and back. Think country estate. Plus it’s a hour away from home (bride and groom live same town as me). Trying to cancel so fingers crossed I get some money back.

There was nothing mentioned on the invites and nothing was said until last night and even then was just mentioned in passing.

My question is it unusual to mention this on invites? I’ve never been to a wedding with no alcohol so not entirely sure. I also know that a few people going could be doing with the extra money in the bank even if only staying one night or trying to arrange transport to and from the nearest town.

Would it be unreasonable to mention to the happy couple that they need to make people aware before the day? Or AIBU suggesting this?

She’s a very good friend if that helps and it’s not the no alcohol that’s the issue but the extra expense that we didn’t really need to spend. Money isn’t a huge problem for us but I’m still annoyed I’m out of pocket.

I'd be annoyed too. A huge percentage of people would decide whether to spend money on a hotel or not based on whether they planning on drinking it not.

i would specifically be annoyed about the couple choosing to mention it just a few weeks before the event rather than the actual decision itself.

In a way, it would be better if the bar was shut for the evening

I very much doubt the venue would agree to that; after all they want the bar receipts, and even if they closed it they'd probably expect the B&G to somehow compensate them for what they'd have received, which gets them no further forward

And it's a quid to a pint of flat beer that this'll be another wedding with a twee message asking for cash

CF Bride frankly!

They're going to end up with a half empty dancefloor and people piled into the bar. You just can't do this sort of thing half arsed and expect it to work. If this was me, I'd have booked a fully dry venue, or at least one where there won't be an open bar. Albeit there's a good sized Muslim population near me so do have more options available in this respect.

She's absolutely delusional to think that if the hotel bar is open then people won't use it. I would.

So basically the B&G have irresponsibly overspent. And everybody's going to remember the wedding with so much love because the guests were pawns in trying to cover it and being asked not to hang out in the bar.

Memorable for all the wrong reasons 😏

I think the latter point from @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos that you’ve quoted is just making the point that lots of people use alcohol as a crutch, for various reasons. For example, someone who struggles with social anxiety may also be overwhelmed to the point of not being able to speak or maybe not even able to enter the room. The causes are different but no less crippling, and the net result is the same. Alcohol permits the individual to function.

Obviously using alcohol as an essential coping mechanism is never a good idea, but it sounds infrequent for you.

For context, I’m also an autistic woman who really struggle with noise and crowds so I completely understand the shutdown in those circumstances.

@SapphireSeptember the difference is with yours everyone knew well in advance. In this situation no one knows and the B+G are trying to keep it hush hush so people don't cancel the rooms. People are going to be turning up expecting a bar and wine served at the dinner.
I am reading this in awe and will be waiting to hear what happed the day of the wedding. I agree with people i think its a cost issue, sounds like the venue is one where they have to pay for the rooms regardless if stayed in or not. Though i really don't understand how their point of contact in the hotel is telling them this is so wrong. Most basis wedding dining packages include wine. If i was in your situation would cancel the room but would group together with a few friends for a bus or taxi home so you can have one or two drinks at the bar ( that she has mentioned ) so that should be cheaper than the room, but overall this is a very weird situation

You know three people who don't drink AND might be boring.

I, and many people I know, don't drink and are often the first on the dance floor. DH and I have regularly been among the last ones standing at weddings.

However, being around drunk people who often tell you the same stories repeatedly, ask you the same questions, screech in your face, leer at inappropriate people etc (admittedly, not all drinkers but many of them) can be quite boring too. People have different interests and find different things fun. I don't not drink for any problematic reason. I just don't enjoy it, or need it to have fun. Sometimes I like partying with my loved ones. Sometimes I'd rather be anywhere else than watching people throw back alcohol and behave like idiots.

Feel sorry for bride and groom worrying about keeping someone sober. It will cause some ill feeling on the day and likely people will pop to the hotel bar.

Worst part is that if there is someone with an issue around drink they will either be strong or find the hotel bar regardless of the wedding being alcohol free so it won't solve the issue.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Thanks for your response and the context.

For example, someone who struggles with social anxiety may also be overwhelmed to the point of not being able to speak or maybe not even able to enter the room. The causes are different but no less crippling, and the net result is the same. Alcohol permits the individual to function.

This was actually the exact point that I was making in my original post. I think the point that @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos was making was that I should be able to get on and enjoy social events despite overwhelm without using alcohol because other people can (though I might have misunderstood).

An addiction is an addiction, it almost doesn’t matter what your substance of choice is, alcohol can be more readily available.

Withdrawing from alcohol can kill you, withdrawing from heroin, whilst not pleasant, can’t kill you..Speaking from the perspective of knowing too much through having had an alcohol addict in the family, who has died due to having that addiction

Whilst the bride’s family are very well meaning, having a dry wedding won’t stop an alcoholic drinking

I'm guessing it's a costs thing too. Maybe they didn't want to pay for wine with the meal/toasting drinks so went with the dry wedding option to keep the price down, and the hotel does all or nothing. Most people expect to pay for their own drinks at the bar, but you generally expect table wine with the sit-down meal, and something fizzy to toast the B&G.

She did say the hotel required her to have rooms booked for discount and she's worried people will cancel and they will have to pay the difference this is why she feels she can't say anything.

This is dishonest and actually rather manipulative. Your friend needs to be transparent about this - or risk having LOTS of unhappy guests at her wedding.

I'm teetotal but I'd be pissed off on their behalf!

Also, trying to control a family members alcohol dependence could be dangerous, alcohol withdrawals can cause seizures, hallucinations and death

Her reasoning is very naive. My dad was alcoholic so I knew from experience that no alcohol in the house or at the event wouldn’t stop anyone who’s desperate.
B&G would be more successful with low key approach :having less speeches and toasts, putting this person at the table where people don’t drink, giving them an important role at the wedding etc etc
However if this person doesn’t want to give up he/she will find an alcohol for sure ( even if it’s Christmas Day and they are in the middle of nowhere).

Very strange idea, they won’t be able to stop people buying drinks at the bar and taking them back into the wedding room. If someone has issues with alcohol they will be the first at the hotel bar surely. I’d keep the room, get my drinks from the bar and maybe a little vodka in my bag to add to soft drinks :-)

That's not going to work. With the best will in the world everyone will end up in the bar...including the person they are trying to stop drinking.

No, no, no,
one sober day won’t kill anyone …

Wrong thread?

From experience, the drinker will find a way....much better to have someone chaperone or keep them drinking less. Rather than an empty dance floor and non alcoholic toasts. It's a ridiculous idea.

You can’t say that without knowing the persons medical history!! My relative would have seizures if he abstained for 24 hours.

@Amanitacae no, sorry you have misunderstood, I wasn't trying to offend but I'm blunt (try not to be) so often I do in error. My point was that I don't think you drink because you have autism, you drink to make social things easier, which many many people do, who do not have autism.

No judgement on doing it. If anyone wants to drink, or not, for any reason, that's their choice and valid. But I do agree with PPs that there's a reliance on alcohol in our culture for social things.

Yes sorry @pizzaHeart
I've asked it to be deleted 🙈🙈