No alcohol wedding

[KK05]

So I’ve just discovered that my friends wedding in 3 weeks is alcohol free. I was always expecting to pay for my own drink on the day but it turns out they aren’t having alcohol at all. This was a shock as they both enjoy nights out with alcohol and her hen was messy.

My issue isn’t the fact we can’t have a drink, I would still be going either way it’s that we’ve only just found out.

All in all we have spent almost £300 for a hotel the night before and night of the wedding. Night before was so we didn’t have to try and check in either after the wedding or try to squeeze it in at some point throughout the day. Would never have stayed for even one night if I knew I could drive. Too far for cabs/public transport but would have happily driven there and back. Think country estate. Plus it’s a hour away from home (bride and groom live same town as me). Trying to cancel so fingers crossed I get some money back.

There was nothing mentioned on the invites and nothing was said until last night and even then was just mentioned in passing.

My question is it unusual to mention this on invites? I’ve never been to a wedding with no alcohol so not entirely sure. I also know that a few people going could be doing with the extra money in the bank even if only staying one night or trying to arrange transport to and from the nearest town.

Would it be unreasonable to mention to the happy couple that they need to make people aware before the day? Or AIBU suggesting this?

She’s a very good friend if that helps and it’s not the no alcohol that’s the issue but the extra expense that we didn’t really need to spend. Money isn’t a huge problem for us but I’m still annoyed I’m out of pocket.

It was the bride that mentioned it at a party on NYE where both b&g were drinking. My DH made a joke about it but she was being serious. There were others around at the time too.

As I said in my original post I will be going either way but annoyed I’ve spent so much money when I could have just driven. Im in Scotland so it’s a zero tolerance for alcohol and driving so my options were drive or stay.

I will speak to the bride again about it and also mention that maybe she should tell others to given them choices.

I can cancel the hotel easily enough and will get a refund (checked already) but will make a decision about it when I’ve spoken to the bride.

When we planned our wedding we wanted to make sure everyone had a lovely time. Drinking alcohol is very much part of the social norms at a wedding and to remove the option of it is going to cause upset (whether is should or not is another matter). Springing it on people on the day is just madness. The bride and groom are going to have a lot of pissed off guests on their hands. I expect it will dampen the celebrations, people will possibly leave early and it will be talked about as a ridiculous choice for years to come which will totally overshadow any lovely food or entertainment choices, or the wedding dress etc.

Maybe the bride is wary of things kicking off if alcohol is available? She knows her family better than you do after all.

I'd take a bottle to have in my room and enjoy the night away.

But what reason did the bride give?

@newoldfluff

most adults would disagree

Are you sure it's a completely alcohol free wedding and you haven't mis-understood?

I'm intrigued by this too. What sort of venue is the reception in where there's no bar?

I worked at a wedding venue and once the brides parents insisted on no alcohol. People moaned and they changed it to no alcohol during the wedding breakfast (just the meal). It was the flattest wedding ever. Slowly but surely, after the starters (men mostly), came up to the bar to ask for a pint, the wedding venue served them, they were paying clients, they wanted beer, we wanted to sell it. Slowly but surely everyone came to the bar to order booze and things livened up.

The wedding venue will not want for everyone to be off booze, they won’t make any money. I wouldn’t say anything. Guests will order their own booze, they’re paying adults. A bride and groom can’t dictate what drinks guests drink.

If it is alcohol free I can bet you'll all be home in bed by 8pm as it's going to fall pretty flat without alcohol- no drunk uncles, no alcohol infused dancing to The Birdy Song, no groups of girlfriends giggling over their prosecco, no drunk best man stories....

If they have removed alcohol entirely from the day then yes, I'd be pretty mad given the money spent on either accommodation or taxis. Pretty poor form to make it abundantly clear from the get go.

I'm glad you can get a refund if it turns out that's the case. Or do what my DM did at a wedding a few years ago - give a bottle of wine to the waiter and say "When I say I would like a glass of water, please give me this instead" 🤣

I would check this is really the case before doing anything as it doesn't ring true or make sense

This thread is fascinating when compared to the recent one about the OP's friend springing on her at the last minute that she had to buy herself a vegetarian takeaway, as she (the friend) would not have any meat in her home.

The only difference I can see is that the venue is not the B&G's own home - but I suppose you could say that it's kind of 'theirs' as they have hired it as a base from which to host their celebration, as opposed to a restaurant where anybody can turn up and is only responsible for/connected to the people at their own table.

On that thread, people were insisting that an omnivore does not need to have meat at every meal and could easily forego it just this once - even though it was a rare treat for OP - so I guess, in this scenario, one could tell the guests that people who drink alcohol can also freely have soft drinks, and surely they can go one evening without booze. I suppose the theoretical parallel could be between being called a carnivore vs omnivore or an alcoholic vs somebody who drinks.

There are lots of reasons why they may have said no alcohol, most of which have already been mentioned; however the wedding party/family is more than just the B&G - and even though the B&G have drunk regularly in the past, one or both of them might have just recently decided to go tee-total. There can be a first time for everything.

Again, juxtaposing with the vegetarian takeaway thread, we were told that, if people have lived long enough with a certain dietary choice based on their own ethical values, it may simply not occur to them that other people commonly make different choices. It's a bit old-fashioned nowadays, but it could be that it is all being organised (and maybe paid for) by one or both sets of parents - and if they are long-term non-drinkers, including alcohol may just not be something that would be on their radar and thus why would they think to mention it to people?

We don't drink at all, but we had alcohol freely available at our wedding, as we know that it is very important to many people and we wouldn't see it as up to us to dictate to others based on our preferences. One guest ended up so hammered that he was walking and talking like a robot at the end, but most of the other adult guests drank alcohol without any issues.

I'd keep the room - what's the weather forecast like? Don't fancy driving home in a storm in the dark late at night, I'd be tired!

If it is completely alcohol free, tell her you'll help her to make it more well known, explaining that a lot of people are spending more in the expectation they won't be in a position to drive home

If they've got one of those deals where folk staying reduces the cost to them they may not want the word spreading. I know someone who did this for that exact reason, and they weren't best pleased when it didn't work

I do agree that it's very sad that so many people cannot enjoy themselves or celebrate without alcohol.

Would you really only stick around because you have free-flowing booze - and either not see the point (or be summarily unable) in continuing to spend time celebrating a special occasion with your friends/family as yourself, rather than as an alcohol-fuelled, uninhibited version of yourself?

I think that there are a lot of people out there who, whilst not being alcoholics, do have significant 'issues' with alcohol and their dependency/normalisation/expectation of it.

I would phone the bride and have a chat OP. Although it seems that you have made up your mind and will get a refund on accommodation, so maybe that's no longer necessary.

I don’t drink due to my health anymore so wouldn’t impact me directly. I have to say I find when I’m out it’s much harder to stay out late without the buzz of alcohol! I still dance, get loud, have fun but I definitely hit a wall much earlier than I’d like. Can’t imagine the wedding being much fun without alcohol tbh.
Edit: also could see lots of people leaving early to go and get a drink. They have spent a lot of money to be there, taken time of work and expect to let their hair down!

Why is everyone missing OP’s point so spectacularly?

Her only issue with an alcohol free wedding is that she paid a load of money for the hotel because she assumed that alcohol would be available and she chose to drink and not drive.

Now that she knows that she won’t have the opportunity to drink, she’s annoyed that she paid money to enable her to drink.

She has, fortunately, found out in advance and will be able to cancel the hotel. However she thinks that others should be told as well so they can also drive themselves there and back and save the money that they had arranged to spend on hotels or taxis.

Nowhere has she suggested that she won’t enjoy the wedding without having a drink.

And for those who say that she always had to option to drive and not drink, there is a big difference between choosing not to drink (so you can drive) when alcohol is available and most others are drinking it, and being in an environment where nobody is drinking.

If it’s a stately home, there may be no alcohol at the meal in case of damage to furniture or paintings - there was a ‘no red wine permitted’ thread on here a while ago.

there might be alcohol in other areas though

This is so weird, you don’t need alcohol to have a fun wedding

It's funny to read the sanctimonious posts where people are jumping at the opportunity to go on about how it's not necessary to have alcohol to enjoy an event. That can be true at the same time as it also being true that lots of people enjoy a drink, especially at a wedding where there can be a lot of hanging around waiting, socialising with people you don't know, dancing and tolerating loud music. All things that some people struggle with and a drink can make easier.

An expensive hotel room isn't a particular treat if you're only in it from midnight until breakfast. It's a place to sleep and not much more, when attending a wedding. So totally reasonable that OP will cancel the room if not drinking.

If it’s a country house hotel there will be alcohol available at the bar regardless of whether the wedding serves alcohol itself. If they’ve rented a country house that’s not a hotel then it may be genuinely be alcohol free.

It may be that the house does not have an alcohol licence or they may have decided to cut costs and not pay for alcohol.

Many people seem to be having weddings they can’t afford these days, the upshot is bridesmaids being asked to pay for their own dresses, guests obligated to pay for overpriced rooms as part of the wedding package, or guests being charged for alcohol. If it is a rented house with no bar it would be tricky to charge guests for alcohol, so they may have opted to ditch it altogether.

I think you need to check with couple before cancelling

Where did OP say that she didn’t think the wedding would be fun?

@KK05 We all have choices. Regardless of what the hosts want, you chose to pay for the hotel so you could drink. You don't need alcohol to have a great night.