Telling each other that we’re… arriving

[Mumfromoutnumbered]

Just for fun really. DP and I have had this discussion before, and it occurred again earlier.

Neither of us are noisy during sex, but as he finishes, he always gives me advance notice and tells me it’s about to happen. He says he’s doing it out of politeness, and that I should do the same.

Politeness!

Frankly the last thing I’m thinking about in that moment is being fucking polite! I never announce it. He says he can’t tell when it happens and wants to know.

Is announcing it a conscious thing? I guess some people say it in the moment or if they don’t want their partner to stop, but surely not whilst thinking ‘Oh I’d better let the other person know so that they won’t think me rude…’

Does he need to know? Am I really being impolite?! I wouldn’t care if he didn’t tell me in advance. The bloody grunt and the fact that he then stops is generally the telltale sign! AIBU?

The whole thing makes me laugh. I never went to Swiss finishing school but I always thought it fairly impolite to be humping away or lying there with my legs in the air in the first place!

I'd be happy with one! I don't come from PIV, ever, and only one man has ever got me there without electromechanical assistance.

@YouDefinitelyShouldNotDoThat I just kept on (and on) stimulating the vital spot!

I don't expect PIV to get me there on it's own, I give myself a helping hand if needed. Another bonus of age I think; not being shy about literally taking my pleasure into my own hands 🤗

I announce its going to happen because I don't want him changing rhythm or position when it's just about to happen. Same reason I want him to tell me!

I do expect to cum every time though, usually more than once (I tend not to keep count, though some men try to.) It doesn't take a very skilled lover to get me there, and I also cum.from PiV, so for me, it would probably be crap sex with no orgasm. I am very lucky in my body, in that sense.

Which proves your point about there being no set formula, I guess. But I've never felt pressure to orgasm. Men apparently have felt pressure to keep up with me, but I don't feel bad if they can't. And now I'm in my 50s, I'd say there's no formula for men, either. Maybe there is when they're all young, but by this age, they can't all sustain an erection easily, and thus some are incredibly grateful if they manage to achieve orgasm. Some like firm pressure, and one liked really light pressure, and some can edge, while some have not learnt good control and cum early. One rarely came at all, but the sex was out of this world. God, I miss him. But anyway, all men are not the same, no more than women are

The distance between the clitoris and the vagina has a lot to do with whether women can orgasm from PIV.

Mine is further from my vagina compared to the three women I've had sex with. A cuntry mile away, even.

Actually announcing your imminent arrival can also sometimes accelerate their own ETA resulting in being tipped to the finishing post =/

Yeah you kind of missed my point but never mind.

Fascinating thread .... every time - yes every time - we travelled, my late OH and would arrive simultaneously - I thought that was the norm - apparently not! I never once travelled without arriving at the destination, and my OH never alighted at at an earlier stop. I would consider it a completely pointless journey if I had not arrived at the destination, and would have demanded a refund.

To be honest, your 'point' just sounded like women should be content with not having an orgasm every time.

If that works for you, great. It certainly doesn't work for me and I don't think it makes me 'like a man' to expect to orgasm every time.

Also, not all men want to rush to the direct route there, as you suggest.

Hmmmm

But orgasm isn't the end of the journey. It's one of the stops along the way.

But orgasm isn't the end of the journey. It's one of the stops along the way.

Like a pit stop at the motorway services. 🤔

A bit more than motorway services...

Yeah you also missed the point. The point is women should get the pleasure they want, not that they should either 'be content' with not having an orgasm, or that they should feel like they're having crap sex (or being crap at sex) if they don't scream the house down every time. That every woman's pleasure is unique, every sexual occasion should be unique, and fixation with 'having an orgasm' of a certain screamy pornified type is tedious and very male-centric for all it attempts to put on a feminist cloak; and the idea that if that very noisy porny type of orgasm is not your style, you at very least have to announce it when it happens over the tannoy or the poor man won't know if it's 'his turn' yet, is all so reductive, formulaic and twatty.

Alternatively, of course, men could actually pay attention, learn the style and pleasure of the woman they're with, learn to be a bit intuitive, to go with the flow and ride the waves and circle back and let pleasure build and recede and build again without some sort of notion that none of it 'counts' unless it results in An Orgasm fruit machine noises . But no, they want a manual and a very obvious 'finish' because that's how THEY work.

Alternatively, of course, men could actually pay attention, learn the style and pleasure of the woman they're with, learn to be a bit intuitive, to go with the flow and ride the waves and circle back and let pleasure build and recede and build again without some sort of notion that none of it 'counts' unless it results in An Orgasm fruit machine noises . But no, they want a manual and a very obvious 'finish' because that's how THEY work.

There are men out there who pay attention, learn the style and pleasure - well, at least of me; in most cases, I've not seen them with other women. They aren't all focussed only on their own pleasure, either. Sure some are, but certainly not all. There are some good male lovers out there.

I'd have expected all the vocalization on arrival is very influenced by all the fake porn expectations

It really isn’t. I have never watched porn in my life.

There is a big difference between normal and natural vocalisation of pleasure and ‘performative’ vocalisation.

Saying all orgasm vocalisation is porn influenced is a bit like saying all laughter at something funny is influenced by canned laughter on sitcoms.

I know there are; I've had them. But the overall sexual culture is still very much in favour of focusing on the traditional model of the male orgasm being the 'point' of sex; and this newfound focus on 'making women come' that a lot of guys have is just that expanded rather than any real interest in the complexity of women's pleasure. As they say, it ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it.

I have never ever thought about this but I have just realised that I do in fact say it when its about to happen hahaha

Same. Never watched porn, and never will because I don’t want to.

But I like a bit of noise from both, provided we are alone, and I find it really useful for us to announce our arrivals for all the aforementioned reasons on this thread.

I also expect to arrive at a naice destination, because that is how we like to travel. I don’t think that puts undue pressure on other women, we are all different in that respect.

The point about pressure to orgasm is that a substantial proportion of women Do Not Orgasm Ever from PIV and a smaller but definitely non-negligible proportion don't or very rarely orgasm from anything that our partners do.

When the guy§ asks whether I came, the answer is "no" because I won't lie. Then he looks so crestfallen. And he gives his hands and wrists cramp trying to get me there and all this time I'm just getting more and more anxious and guilt-ridden because my body won't cooperate without power tools. Does this sound like enjoyable sex?

For some of us, it's not that he has failed in his manly duty to get his partner off, but that her body just won't play that way. She had sex because she wanted something other than an orgasm, like the kissing, or the foreplay, or being in someone's arms. But the whole "she didn't come = he is selfish or incompetent" thing means that she is now under pressure to orgasm when she can't, to spare his feelings.

§ The women I've bedded all understood that orgasm doesn't always happen and were much more "let's see what happens".

The point about pressure to orgasm is that a substantial proportion of women Do Not Orgasm Ever from PIV and a smaller but definitely non-negligible proportion don't or very rarely orgasm from anythingthat our partners do.

But once they're older, neither do all men orgasm every time. Which is probably why I'm having the best sex of my life in my 50s. If women, or men, are becoming uncomfortable from a focus on orgasm, they need to communicate that, not let others assume that it's essential and possible for them.

My DH doesn’t thankfully, I remember telling him some guys do this and he found it very odd! I have definitely met guys who do it and I always found it weird, I really didn’t want or need the advance notice.

If women, or men, are becoming uncomfortable from a focus on orgasm, they need to communicate that, not let others assume that it's essential and possible for them.

There are some men I can tell until I'm blue in the face and they still take it like I've kicked their dog or something when I don't orgasm, like as if they inwardly thought that they would somehow be different from every guy I've shagged before. And before you say "ditch the guys who don't take you at your word", that's not the point: the point is that there's a lot of them and they are getting this messaging from somewhere.