To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

they will see him every day
How will that work? What if he doesn't agree to what your plans are?

What??!

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose

if he doesn’t agree , she’ll just have to stay with him won’t she and sacrifice her own happiness. Not.

I only read the OPs post and as far as I can see, she had sex with other men when they were in a relationship break. That is not cheating, but even if people consider it is, it is yet another sign that she is more than ready to move on.

Again, why insist on flogging a dead horse? The love is gone, they both would be much better off parting ways. Would you make them wait until the frustration is such and the situation is so toxic they start throwing stuff at each other? It is not divorce that damages children, it us witnessing all the toxicity and nastiness that preceds it.

If she leaves now, they have a better chance to co parent the children successfully together in separate households. If they wait until they are no longer speaking to each other, that becomes far more difficult.

No, I don't mean with regards to splitting up. Of course she should it's a shit show for everyone. I mean she doesn't get to unilaterally decide how custody goes.

Thank you to everyone has answered. I have a lot to think about and have read all replies. Therapy is sounding appealing to begin with and take it from there

What do you have to think about it?

You know you’re going to separate and you’ve done so 3 times already.

I have to say I think you’re being very unfair.
You know you’re going to leave him by you’re basically wanting to wait until a time it suits you.

If you had any respect for him you would end things and not go back so he can move on and be happy.

No, MrsSlocombesCat is not the OP!

Therapy may also be used to leave in a less traumatic way. Not all people in relationship counselling are there to fix their marriage, some are there trying to find a way to part in more amicable ways.

Interesting op in your original post you mention "loyal like a dog"
I think this is how you currently see him, like a pet who will always be there for you, which inevitably gives you a certain amount of emotional comfort.
I wonder if a lot of your "magnanimous" statement (he can have the house, I don't want him to be worse off financially, hope he moves on, finds someone better etc) are based in this.
When the reality of actually seeing him move on and become a better person, be with someone else, once that loyalty goes how quickly your magnanimous decisions will change.
Up to now you've not had to deal with the loss of your partner.
This is going to be really difficult for the both of you, but if you have any decency you must end it and give both of you the chance of having a happy fulfilling life.

You’re way over complicating this. You’re a lesbian. so you don’t want to be with a man. Easy.

I don’t think you need to feel as guilty as you do. You’re turning yourself into the villain and painting him as a saint. At the end of the day you’re not happy and life is too short to plod on hoping it will get better when it clearly hasn’t. He sounds quite manipulative too even if he is doing it from a good place. It will be hard at first but you will both be happier in the long run. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Of course OP doesn’t have to stay with this guy just because of all the “oh no! The grass isn’t always greener “ posters. Their take is just ridiculous. OP isn’t married! People end unsatisfactory relationships allllll the time. And they should!

As for the tedious reversal stuff:

a) OP has been as roundly attacked as any male poster in a similar circumstance.

B) as the poster OP is asking for advice, all the performative shaming does is, well, shame her performativly for the benefit of each poster’s inner bitch.

C) OP’s partner is not a passive, financially and socially vulnerable SAHP whose right to lifetime support is at issue.

D) Both OP and her ex have only one life to live and should not be encouraged to waste it in a sexless, resentful, fake partnership.

She thinks you’re the OP with a name change, and hasn’t spotted your previous posts describing your own experience with your ex.

He's SUCH a rare man and will find an appreciative partner who cherishes him.

You have been unfaithful and don't respect him?
He deserves so much better.

A woman I knew had lovely husband {It sounds similar scenario to yours in fact} but she wanted to have lots of sex with other people.

They did split up {several children}.

Spot on.

A person can leave a relationship without deceiving their partner. Without dragging it out.

Someone just said something about the dp being the 'loyal dog' as she said herself.

Isn't it interesting in a pace that so often slams men to the point of absurdity at times, op is being criticised by quite a lot of people?

Yes, the ''Dog'' comment shows huge disrespect.

Most people would be happy if their partner was faithful and had their back.

End this travesty of a 'partnership' OP.

No, to be honest I have seen as many women leaving the garden to die. It happens whether you are a woman or a man, part of life and all that.

If OP’s man was asking for advice I would also be telling him to leave. So no hell bent about anything.

I voted 'YABU' because I feel the way you've treated him has been pretty cruel and unkind.

But no, YANBU to plan to leave: that would clearly be the best thing for both of you and you both deserve to be happy.

BTW I also think YABU to assert that you are "the love of his life" when he has been comprehensively misled about who you really are.

It's one thing to say, yes, leave.

Quite another to call the dp a gaslighting manipulator (and that op has done nothing wrong here) as a few have done.

You need to be clear on a few things first @Shouldistayorshouldi

Are you leaving with the intention of finding something better?

If not, ask yourself how you'd feel if you didn't find anyone and spent the rest of your life alone. The grass is not always greener.

Are you turned off him sexually because of his behaviour?

ie He's a 'safe bet', but not an Alpha male. If he was more assertive and pro-active with all the things you want to do, would that change you sexual feelings?

Has sex ever been good?

If it was, has daily familiarity turned you off him?

Does he have any idea of how you feel?

If he doesn't, he needs to. You can't blame him from not taking you up on therapy etc if he doesn't know how close you are to leaving him.

His future isn't your responsibility, BUT how you behave within your marriage is your responsibility. And he has the right to know how negatively you feel about him.

Once he does, he may decide he is better off out of the marriage.

If he decided he'd had enough and made a break, how would you feel?

You might say 'Relieved' but the reality of being a single parent, with less money and a divorce behind you may not be the bright future you expect.

Or it might. You're taking a chance.

You already have broken his heart and devastated him, multiple times. You can't expect him to bounce back from that and suddenly be the confident sociable person that you want to be. You'd be doing him a massive favour by letting him go. He sounds absolutely perfect for someone else and I sure that he will look after the children well under his care. And it sounds like your kids could do with knowing where they stand and put first. I can't believe that you even went back to him after sleeping with other people. Surely you would have known at that point? One could be forgiven for thinking it fictional.

Just be honest and finish this relationship. This on/off is just teasing him, and giving him hope when it sounds like there is none. Rip that bandage off and be done. He deserves better.

Well you can't force your feelings, they are yours regardless of how good he appears on paper You may regret it or you may start having the best life you could ever imagine.

One way or other you need to make the jump and only you can decide which way.

I suppose I’ve always felt resentment in a way. I have (until the last couple of years) devoted myself to him even pre DC. Missed out on so many opportunities for him, potentially done myself Over financially. Missed out on career and social opportunities. Now I suppose I realise none of that was right and I feel suffocated

It is very unfair to blame him for your lack of career or missed opportunities.
You are still very young and have time to do whatever you want.

He's an easy target, but without us knowing the detail, it's hard to know how he stopped you doing anything you wanted to do.

The only way I can imagine you missed out was you had more of the childcare role and now you resent that.

if that was your choice, please bear in mind you have made some bad choices before- maybe marrying when you were too young, accepting his bad behaviour when you were dating, and not pursuing your own ambitions (and don't blame him for that.)

Make sure that if you leave, it's with realism over your future.

The bottom line is you need to be sure you'd be happy alone. Not with someone else as that may never happen.