To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick'

You're in your early 30s wirh someone you aren't attracted to at all who makes you feel sick?? You obviously need to split up. Ignore any emotional blackmail regarding his mental health. He isn't your responsibility.

It's interesting that you describe a man who sounds lovely, apart from the fact he has no get up and go, which I have to say would be very off putting. Then you drop in the fact you'd rather be with a woman. Then you tell us he used to be unfaithful and a party animal, by which I assume you mean he took drugs and drank a lot.

I think he left those notes for you to find in order that you felt obliged to stay with him. That's very manipulative.

You say you want him to have the house, etc. There's no need for that if you've both put the same amount in. You're both young enough to sort out a new mortgage for yourselves. There's no way you should leave yourself at a financial disadvantage.

I don't think you need to mention other women. In your place I wouldn't get involved with anyone, male or female, for several months after leaving. The children need to be settled before you do that. It's fine if you want a FWB when they are with their dad, but I wouldn't be open about any relationship until it actually was a relationship.

FWIW I think he'll go back to partying and shagging around pretty quickly after you split up.

These affairs you had when you had 'breaks'...were they with men or women?

How does that experience fit with your idea you might be a lesbian?

Just let the poor bastard go ffs. You’re a selfish self absorbed twat. He deserves better.

You don’t deserve him. If it was the other way around everyone would say the man was an arse and that all marriages can’t be exciting forever

You have what seems to be the ideal partner. Then come the comments about him lying and cheating early on, the refusal / failure to engage with what you ask, and the suicide musings (which you were meant to find).

You're bi/gay and don't fancy him. It's possible to like, love and respect someone and not want to sleep with them.

He needs to know the truth about that. But as long as you've been safe, I don't think it would be wise to tell him about sleeping with others, even if you were on a break.

Leave your mothers out of it - it's none of their business.

Tell him you're gay and can't live a lie any more.

Try to keep an amicable potentially 50/50 custody relationship with him.

And let him go.

Hurry up and leave him

You have to leave and keep it that way. Because it's not just the two of you who are living a miserable half life, your DC are too. They deserve to grow up with parents who are happy.

None of this is about whose fault it is . If OP truly believes that there is no way back then she needs to make a clean break and both parties can then find happiness .
Of course DP will be distraught but she can’t
stay with him at the expenses of her own happiness .
MIL needs to understand that children from “ broken homes “ can actually fare very well in life !! - as long as the parents behave like adults , work together to bring them up and don’t use them as weapons they will be better off than living in an unhappy home

This place has the most ridiculous double standards.

You say you have had a relationship with a woman. Is it possible that you have been suppressing that side of your personality.
After I left my husband I found that I am more attracted to women. That realisation came as a surprise but it was a relief and took off pressure that I hadn't realised was there. Ex and I continued to parent quite amicably.

It's the old saying "You have to be cruel to be kind.". Yes he'll be devastated but it's better for him in the long run not to be with someone who really isn't in to him! I couldn't bear to stay with DH if he cried after having sex with me!!
If he's as great as you say, he'll meet someone else who loves and appreciates him. He deserves that.

You need to tell him that you’re bisexual and want to be with a woman.
Hopefully you won’t take the kids with you, after all he’s the innocent party so should stay in the house with the children.

You've been together from a very young age - most of us are not the same people when we are adults as we were as teens.

I don't believe that all of us meet "the one" we are to be with forever.

I believe some of us meet the right person to enjoy our younger years. the right person to raise children with. the right person to grow old with.

And some of us realise we are better off single.

you're not a bad person because this relationship is not destined forever.

You do need to rip the plaster off sooner rather than later though - for both of your sakes. You will both be better for it in the long run even though it will be painful initially.

No matter how lovely DP is if you are not happy then you need to break off ,it is giving false hope to him .He will get over it ,ATM he is in a difficult position ,he loves you and you are not happy!he also need space to find a new partner

This seems as all very dramatic when it doesn't need to be.

You are with someone you don't want to be with.

Your sexuality or cheating or anything else is irrelevant.

If you want to break up, do. You will both be better off.

I agree. It’s (a bit) dishonest but making this about bisexuality (if this is where OP is at, I’m not sure if the people she slept with in the relationships were all women) might me better.

and it will probably ingress the chances of a mutually appreciative co-parenting relationship.

You’re getting a really unfair pasting OP probably from people who are resentful because they have a shit partner, and think a man who’s capable of being nice and doing some parenting means they’re some kind of god among men and you’re obligated to stay with them. I hate that rhetoric. He could be the nicest, most loving, responsible father in the world with no faults at all and you could still leave if you wanted. Nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship for any reason whatsoever, and “you might not find someone else” isn’t a reason to stay either. So what? Better to be single than unhappily coupled.

I disagree that sleeping with people while separated is cheating or that you should tell him you might be bisexual. You chose to be with him all this time, who else you fancy or what sex they are is entirely irrelevant and frankly not his business. But there’s a lot of biphobia on MN so people are acting like you’re harbouring some dirty secret. You’re not. He no more needs to know you’re bisexual than he needs to know you also might find other men attractive.

I also think he sounds emotionally manipulative. You’ve tried to break up with him before and he’s wheedled you back in, and left a suicide note probably on purpose for the kids to find. So now you’re planning the logistics of an exit. Which is a reasonable and sensible thing for anyone to do when they want to leave a relationship, especially one he refuses to accept has ended. You deserve happiness OP and yes, he also deserves the chance to potentially meet someone else who is attracted to him.

I agree that you need to give him a chance to find someone who he can have a genuine relationship with. He’s living a lie and it’s not fair for you to keep going back when it’s not right for all involved. X

How is that relevant? Even if she “doesn’t deserve him” the conclusion would still be she should leave him so they can both receive their just desserts. He can find someone who does deserve him and she to the hell that women who don’t appreciate men are apparently condemned to.

Oh, and by the way, men who are in sexless marriages because their wives have the ick are routinely encouraged to leave on mumsnet, and women who cling to unfaithful husbands are encouraged to take their love/labor/assets and walk away.

Something about OP’s unwillingness to demonize her partner has really broken everyone’s brains on this thread.

Its quite simple: she doesn’t love him and for both their sakes should leave. No need to demonize either.

For God’s sake leave him - the relationship is a prison and you both need to be set free.

The DP being the “innocent” party is completely irrelevant. And he certainly doesn’t “deserve” the children due to being perceived as innocent (by you).

as for the house: OP has already said that she would be pleased if her DP were to keep it.

@pikkumyy77 key theme being that they are encouraged to leave. Talk to the other person, and leave. Not drag things out. Not make plans behind their back.

I've read most of the posts here and nobody says don't leave. But there's a way to go about it decently.

@FeetupTvon

op doesn’t love him. That makes her guilty of what exactly?!

What is does seem from what you describe is that you could still both be loving and caring parents, even if you were separated, and it would not lead to the situation described in several threads of one half of a former couple being bitter and twisted by being unreasonable or awkward about co-parenting.