To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

Leave and make it permanent. Life is too short to be unhappy or living a lie. You both deserve better than this.

“Having said that, don’t fall into the trap of assuming that a kind, decent person like your husband will behave honourably when his heart is broken and his life pulled apart. Also don’t try and make up for breaking his heart by stiffing yourself financially. You don’t owe him your own poverty,”

Especially as he wasn’t kind and decent at the start of their relationship. That showed he’s capable of poor behaviour, and his refusal to go out on date nights showed he was unwilling to put the OP’s preferences first, even occasionally.

Or maybe he genuinely feels that way when his wife seems to be hell bent on destroying his life, removing his children presumably and expecting him to fund her fun existence, He deserves far better.

Good grief, you lot will twist ANYTHING to make it a man's fault!! The OP is at fault here. I agree that she needs to leave, but I am not sure she will be happy afterwards, as she strikes me as a grass is greener type. I am far more worried for her partner and kids than I am for her. Some people are never content.

You missed the part where he did try and plan activities etc but the OP had lost interest, I take it?

Too little too late? Love is like a garden, if you wait until all plants are dead, no amount of watering will bring those plants back to life.

Fucking hell. Thank you to those who have answered sensibly. Of course I’m not expecting him to pay for my life ffs I run businesses and make just as much as he does. I also won’t be “removing” our dc. They will see him every day (yes we can do this due to our careers). Thank you to everyone has answered. I have a lot to think about and have read all replies. Therapy is sounding appealing to begin with and take it from there

So? She may be at fault but the bottom line is that she no longer loves him and should not be forced to stay with him against her will.

Wow, I'd be very careful of saying all these hurtful things to his face, with no.body else around. What if he snaps and hurts the op

Or, maybe don't see awful things to someone because it's deeply unpleasant and you know they have a recent history of suicidal thoughts?

Leaving him because he won’t go out and socialise if he is otherwise a good husband and father is stupid. You don’t need a husband for a social life- go out and socialise and do things without him at agreed times. The sex is much more problematic, have an honest conversation and come to an agreement to split over it or some other arrangement.

Who's forcing her? She is choosing to stay. She is choosing to cheat. Your saying he is 'gaslighting' her is ludicrous and evidence of how far that word has been degraded so it no longer has any meaning whatsoever.

I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex.

Does this mean that you married your dh without him being aware of this fact OP?^^

I’m really sorry you are both in this situation, and you’ve obviously had seven years together where you were happy, but I think a relationship is bound to flounder when it’s not based on honesty.

I’m really sorry but if you weren’t honest about your sexuality from the start then I think you have been grossly unfair to your dh. I know it’s not always easy to be open about being bisexual but your dh deserved better. You need to beg his forgiveness and leave and let him have the relationship he deserves.

@VanityDiesHard

op doesn’t fancy her husband so why the fuck would she be content?!

Question: when you’ve broken up with him before, did you bring up your sexuality? That you wouldn’t be leaving him for another man but maybe to explore same-sex relationships? Maybe that’ll make him feel better in a way? So he’ll realise that there’s nothing wrong with him, that he doesn’t have to change- the typical, it’s not you, it’s me.

Why are you hellbent on demonising this man? Are you always this rabidly misandrist?

I was in a similar situation with my ex husband (although I am not gay or bisexual). I told him I wasn’t happy, he was upset but agreed it was best for us to part. I moved to a rental house with our four year old and my fourteen year old. He persuaded me to go back although I had been seeing another man for a few months. He made a big effort to give me attention and for a while we were happy, even bought another house. Then gradually it went back to the way it was. Once again I told him I wasn’t happy and he seemed to agree. I found another rental house. Then fast forward a few months and he talks me into us getting back together only this time he wanted to move in with us and sell the house (he had always struggled with the responsibility of a mortgage). As he was always so lovely and attentive I relented and he moved in with me. A few months later the inevitable happened and I couldn’t face initiating the conversation yet again so I waited until he had gone to work, packed some things for me and my son and drove to my dads 200 miles away leaving a note to tell him I wanted him out before I got back. He rang me at my dads and said he agreed we needed to split but could I give him time to find somewhere else. This was it. He found a flat to rent and we finally parted for good, amicably. I had a few relationships over the next few years but then I realised I really just wanted to be on my own. I have been happily single for sixteen years and they have been the best years of my life.

It sounds to me as if she doesn't have a clue what she actually wants. There is no guarantee that she would be blissfully happy with a woman.

Only if you go into therapy being up front about the intention being to find a way to make the split healthier and more amicable.

If you're going in knowing it's a means to an end, but he thinks it's to improve your relationship then that's just more delay.

People split all the time op. One partner is usually very unhappy about it, but that's not the responsibility of the one that leaves. If you'd left the first time this would all be water under the bridge by now.

And your partner's mental health is his to own - if he does hurt himself then the reasons will be far more complex than the breakdown if your relationship.

At the end of the day, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! You’re not getting what you need and deserve from this relationship and it doesn’t sound like he is either. So I’d start the conversation with him and start working your way towards a happier life.

I forgot to mention he threatened suicide and had a bit of a breakdown and I knew I had to stick to my guns. I went to see a psychiatrist with him who put him on antidepressants. I don’t think it was so much losing me that triggered it, as him feeling like he had failed. But I wasn’t prepared to be emotionally blackmailed and made him accept that.

I wonder whether it would help you to make an appointment with a Relate counsellor to talk these things through in person, while also making an appointment to see a solicitor, as I suggested earlier.

https://www.relate.org.uk/find-your-centre

@VanityDiesHard

have you not read her posts? She fancies women, not men.

so you think she should just settle with her husband then? for the sake of the kids?

Ignore the replies based on envy.

I may be misreading this, as this comment isn't very clear, but are you saying you didn't enjoy sex with the other men either? But you did with women? If so, do you think you might be gay rather than bisexual? If so, that may make the break up slightly easier for him to take, as then it's not his fault that you're not attracted to him.

You haven't said much about your children- have you thought about how you can ensure their lives change as little as possible, e.g. they stay in the house permanently, you and your ex-partner take it in turns to be there? I understand that you are concerned about the impact on your partner, but the most important thing is how both of you work together to mitigate the impact on your children.

Name change fail?

OP doesn't have a husband. SHE'S NOT MARRIED.