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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get over this creep of a manager.

126 replies

Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 08:42

Back story.

I’m married (2 years) with 9 year old and 11 year old. Manager also married with younger child than me.

Started a job that was hybrid (mainly remote) around 2 years ago. Very individual working/ job. At the beginning I thought the manager was odd - like not very managey, no straight answers and just a bit strange behaviour. Just thought that’s it that’s him. Continued, all dealings with were pleasant etc but again not feeling very supported. Noticing a few compliments, looks etc. then realise one day about 6 months ago I’ve got a bit of a crush.

I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, ’concentrate on the negative,’concentrate on and only talk about the job () but I feel like there’s some sort of reciprocation and honestly I think colleagues are picking up on it now.

I’ve also noticed another colleague seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him too - just her behaviours. This makes me think a. He’s either deliberately laying little remarks/ behaviours etc that people pick up on And likes being the centre of attention.

mot b. He’s just a bit friendly/ nice etc and completely unawares of the effect he’s having on people.

i suspect a. I am well aware of the repercussions of acting on this in even the smallest way and have no intention of doing this. I think I need to remind myself that he’s most likely a creep who gets a kick out of female attention and he’s trying to get this at work which makes him a pretty rubbish manager. But tbh I feel like the more I try to put boundaries up (as above) the worse if gets.

ps I don’t love the job (largely because of the ‘culture’ / weirdness etc) so am on the lookout for other jobs.

Anyway AIBU to ask for tips of how you got out of awkward work crush? Thanks

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2024 08:52

I don't understand. You call him a creep and then say that you have a crush on him. Why would you have a crush on a creep? In any case it sounds as though you'd be much happier in another job. I would focus my energies on that.

Trevorton · 01/01/2024 08:55

I’m not understanding either.

Neriah · 01/01/2024 08:58

Honestly, it isn't him who is coming across as the creep here. You are trying to find a reason to blame him for what is in your head.

You don't like the job anyway, so simplest answer is that you find another one.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 01/01/2024 09:00

How deluded are you?! You have a crush on him, but he's the creep. Yeah right.

Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2024 09:04

Your thread title and repeated references to HIM being the creep demonstrate a stunning lack of self-awareness.

Muchof · 01/01/2024 09:09

It doesn’t sound like he has done anything creepy and your only reason for calling him creepy is you having a crush on him. 😅

If you don’t like the job, yes leave, two birds with one stone.

Brird · 01/01/2024 09:12

You get out of the crush by realising you aren't special, he is the same to all the women. Which you have already noticed, so you are on the way. Ignore any looks, compliments etc.

I used to have a manager like that, he enjoyed the attention and was a slight flirt (though within pretty clear boundaries). He would have a thing of making individuals feel like they were his 'number 1'. Once you see it, it breaks the spell.

Kwam31 · 01/01/2024 09:16

A creep? the guy hasn't done anything!!
An ordinary seemingly pleasant man, YOU have the crush and sound jealous of another person liking him and brand him a creep.
You sound rather unpleasant and I'd be concerned for this man and his job and what you might say/do

Original poster
Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 09:26

Brird · 01/01/2024 09:12

You get out of the crush by realising you aren't special, he is the same to all the women. Which you have already noticed, so you are on the way. Ignore any looks, compliments etc.

I used to have a manager like that, he enjoyed the attention and was a slight flirt (though within pretty clear boundaries). He would have a thing of making individuals feel like they were his 'number 1'. Once you see it, it breaks the spell.

Yes this is it isn’t it :)

OP posts:
SD1978 · 01/01/2024 09:28

So..... you're the one with the crush, you believe with Jo proof he's behaving in a way that 'makes' women like him.......and yet your title suggests he's done the wrong thing........

swimsong · 01/01/2024 09:32

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2024 08:52

I don't understand. You call him a creep and then say that you have a crush on him. Why would you have a crush on a creep? In any case it sounds as though you'd be much happier in another job. I would focus my energies on that.

Crushes aren't a choice.
They are powerful biochemical reactions.
You can't think your way in or out of them.
OP ride it out like it's the flu.

rwalker · 01/01/2024 09:33

Your trying to blame him for you being attracted to him

SallyWD · 01/01/2024 09:33

He doesn't sound like a creep to me. You and a colleague fancy him so he probably has quite attractive qualities, charisma, whatever.
Even if he does enjoy the fact people fancy him, so what?! He's not behaving in an inappropriate way. I don't understand why you're calling him a creep. Sounds like you're just annoyed with yourself for fancying him and trying to blame him!

Original poster
Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 09:34

Apolofies. I’ve told half a story.

His behaviours are as follows:

  • staring
  • touchy feely on arm and hands (never reciprocated and stepped away from)
  • compliments- I like your shoes, your very good at your job, I like your ‘vibe’ etc - his words.
  • Texting outside of work hours- about things I’ve already said in work hours- are on a teams chat which he could check in his work phone….. about work things and non work things (btw this has always. Been him initiating and I have always sent back the shortest answer possible).

ps another lady told me that she is holding off starting a family because of this manager (so who knows what’s been said there)

There have been double entendres on the group chat involving a couple of team members.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 09:35

To me being stared at on its own is creep behaviour but I dunno if people think it’s ok to be stared at at work then 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
TravellingSpoon · 01/01/2024 09:38

Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 09:35

To me being stared at on its own is creep behaviour but I dunno if people think it’s ok to be stared at at work then 🤷‍♀️

Well if you only drip feed half the story, posters can only comment on what you have said, which at first sounded like you were the problem. We are not psychic.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/01/2024 09:39

Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 09:35

To me being stared at on its own is creep behaviour but I dunno if people think it’s ok to be stared at at work then 🤷‍♀️

You can't find it that creepy if it's given you a crush on him. You sound v confused.

MintJulia · 01/01/2024 09:41

So you and another employee have a crush on him. His involvement is that he's nice and occasionally complimentary. He's never made a move on you - or her as far as you know.

So basically he's just a normal manager with a bit of charm, and that makes him a creep?

You may be right, gut instinct is worth listening to, but unless there is a back story, I'm struggling to see any indicators.

You have a crush. Find something else to focus on until someone else takes your fancy.

Isometimeswonder · 01/01/2024 09:41

Er, are you 12?

NewYearNewNothingImGreat · 01/01/2024 09:45

This makes no sense. You find him staring at you at work unacceptable, and want everyone to condemn him for that, but yet you say you have a crush on him?

Your logic is correct - staring at someone at work is odd - but your conclusion is flawed: he’s the creep and you are not. You are married, with kids, crushing on a manager, being all kinds of inappropriate, but you think HE is the only creep here? You are the bigger creep.

People are confused because this isn’t normal logic. I doubt this post is real, but if it is, my advice would be grow the fuck up. Leave this guy alone. Stop trying to fuck with his life or career to fulfill some messed up need for drama.

** edited typo

Kwam31 · 01/01/2024 09:46

I think you're now looking at things to attribute to him after the responses didn't agree with you.
As I said before, I'd be concerned for him as you sound as if you could cause problems for him.
Have a word with yourself and grow up.

BeautifulAndBrave · 01/01/2024 09:46

There's quite a few managers out there who have enormous egos and love to have their staff stroking them. Be professional and polite, that's it.

ManateeFair · 01/01/2024 09:48

None of this makes any sense. Either you find him creepy or you have a crush on him. It really can’t be both.

Alcyoneus · 01/01/2024 09:48

So you’re imagining things he may or may not even have said/done. You are the creepy one here. Leave him alone.

Original poster
Nottodaytgankyou · 01/01/2024 09:54

Alcyoneus · 01/01/2024 09:48

So you’re imagining things he may or may not even have said/done. You are the creepy one here. Leave him alone.

sorry what am I imagining?

OP posts: