To ask how to get over this creep of a manager.

[Nottodaytgankyou]

Back story.

I’m married (2 years) with 9 year old and 11 year old. Manager also married with younger child than me.

Started a job that was hybrid (mainly remote) around 2 years ago. Very individual working/ job. At the beginning I thought the manager was odd - like not very managey, no straight answers and just a bit strange behaviour. Just thought that’s it that’s him. Continued, all dealings with were pleasant etc but again not feeling very supported. Noticing a few compliments, looks etc. then realise one day about 6 months ago I’ve got a bit of a crush.

I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, ’concentrate on the negative,’concentrate on and only talk about the job () but I feel like there’s some sort of reciprocation and honestly I think colleagues are picking up on it now.

I’ve also noticed another colleague seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him too - just her behaviours. This makes me think a. He’s either deliberately laying little remarks/ behaviours etc that people pick up on And likes being the centre of attention.

mot b. He’s just a bit friendly/ nice etc and completely unawares of the effect he’s having on people.

i suspect a. I am well aware of the repercussions of acting on this in even the smallest way and have no intention of doing this. I think I need to remind myself that he’s most likely a creep who gets a kick out of female attention and he’s trying to get this at work which makes him a pretty rubbish manager. But tbh I feel like the more I try to put boundaries up (as above) the worse if gets.

ps I don’t love the job (largely because of the ‘culture’ / weirdness etc) so am on the lookout for other jobs.

Anyway AIBU to ask for tips of how you got out of awkward work crush? Thanks

But it’s not strange behaviour. At least not on his part. The strangeness is all on your side. You seem to be calling him strange as a way to punish him for not giving you the sole attention you want. You need to get over this. It not fair on the guy.

Jeezzz some of the replies here are just downright nasty! OP, you have a crush and it will pass

Ok it seemed initially that the OP was taking people’s view that she is unreasonable in good faith. But it seems she is just waiting for people to come along and validate her views.

With each post, she sounds more and more creepy herself and a bit obsessed. Hope the manager doesn’t have any pet bunnies.

Staring at your staff and joking about maternity leave is all completely acceptable is it?

😂😂

Exactly. To go against the grain here, it makes me shiver a bit to think about the possible negative consequences that could come about on an innocent person's career.

Using that term 'creep' to describe this man in workplace gossip could cause damage to his reputation with people who don't know about whatever issues are also causing OP to imagine a 'crush' on this man. Because it is truly bizarre to describe your 'crush' as a 'creep', people are going to hear the word creep and assume the worst of him. They won't automatically understand that OP has some issues due to what she considers a 'crush' here.

I have seen a colleague's reputation ruined by someone who developed an obsession with him he did not encourage or even know about. It was very unsettling to watch.

Sorry OP but you’re the one with the creepy obsession. You like him and he’s not reciprocated so you’ve imagined a bunch of things he’s said he’s creepy. Then the jealousy with the colleague that likes him etc - I think new job OP - sounds like you need to get away from here.

You sound like the creep op.

This is helpful thanks. So with the touchy feely I call him out on it right? Make a joke of it? Only thing is from past experience he then goes all frosty , will go on a do not disturb. anyway it’s very clear here that o need to communicate via teams etc where possible and avoid as much as possible.

Some harsh replies to the OP. I was in a similar situation with my manager - late night calls, touchy-feely (but just on shoulder or arm), compliments, staring. I ended up with a terrible crush, because I was lacking attention in my real life. I finally realised he did it to everyone. I said to him 'you do this thing of making people like your number one' and he replied 'yes, it's great isn't it'. So he was aware he did it, and enjoyed it, though I wouldn't say in a malicious way.

I still think he was a nice guy, though can see someone else would see his behaviour as creepy. But his behaviour was definitely a bit questionable.

Yes, but isn’t that human nature? How many times in life do people have conflicting emotions such as feeing love and hate simultaneously?

In addition, for everyone sticking up for this guy, he is toying with peoples emotions. He must be able to sense the effect he is having on his staff? Just put yourself in this managers shoes - if you could sense that a few employees were getting the wrong idea from your (at best) over friendly behaviour, wouldn’t you deem it best to reign it in to stop the unprofessional conduct? How anyone is sticking up for this guy whilst simultaneously attacking the OP for her natural reactions to it is beyond me!

@InsomniacA
I fully agree and have already commented, OP only interested in those agreeing. Her gossiping and wild ideas could have serious repercussions for this man.
Tbh OP comes across as spiteful, she has a crush, she can't accept that's all it is and is now turning it into he's at fault.

Oh come on!! A guy like this is asking for trouble! Texting people outside of work and laying hands on them is not professional behaviour by any stretch of imagination!

The only person I feel sorry for is your DH - you literally mentioned his existence in passing then proceeded to blah-blah on for ages about some incredibly childish crush on your boss like you're a 12 year old.

Really rather pathetic

Get over yourself and be a better person/wife.

This could literally be describing how I behave at work. And I don’t have a crush on anyone I work with, nor do I seek to make them fall in love with me.

Who am I gossiping with? I’m popping it on an anonymous thread? Did I say I’d mentioned it with co workers

Please don’t stare at staff, contact them outside of working hours and touch them or comment on their family plans. No need.

Yup I came for advice how to get over this. Of course
mumsnetters have never had a thought about anyone other than their husband in 16 years. So let me know how you achieve this please.

But why would she mention her DH other than in passing when that is not what this thread is about?? 🙄 and why don’t you take your own advice and “get over yourself” rather than being nasty to random strangers on the internet

Thank you for your response.

some people seem to have read this as I’ve. Made a huge drama about this at work, am gossiping and raising issues for the man which I have not.

but yup men can carry on messaging people whenever they fancy, light flirting and touching. Completely acceptable.

Oh come on. There was absolutely no mention of staring, messaging, flirting or touching in your first post. Only when people decided that you were the one being a bit odd did you remember. Funny that.

No nastiness. Just truth. She needs to stop and think about how her own actions could cause real harm, rather than pinning everything on someone else.

Her DH would be so upset to read this thread but all she wants to do is blabber on about some bloke absolutely nothing is going on with.

We've ALL had creepy bosses/ flirty co-workers, I'd bet. She says she wants advice to 'get over it' but every time she's told to leave it alone she gets defensive!

I’m an absent minded starer. I stop when I catch myself.

I’m not an inappropriate toucher, but might touch someone’s elbow as I squeeze past them at the printer for example. Nothing that other co workers haven’t done to me. Touching can be entirely platonic, and is a known way of building rapport (eg handshakes, light touch of arms, a jovial light tap as part of a joke, a tap on the shoulder to get someone’s attention).

My workplace provides work phones. I’ll text them whenever I like. No obligation to respond, turn it off or put it in a drawer if you want until your working hours. But if I pay for it, so I’ll text it whenever.

And you don’t know what the family plans comment was (I actually thought you meant she had a crush on him too and so didn’t want to have kids with her current partner in case she was going to run off with this new guy).

So why do you have a crush on him?! 😵‍💫 this is mental.