To ask how to get over this creep of a manager.

[Nottodaytgankyou]

Back story.

I’m married (2 years) with 9 year old and 11 year old. Manager also married with younger child than me.

Started a job that was hybrid (mainly remote) around 2 years ago. Very individual working/ job. At the beginning I thought the manager was odd - like not very managey, no straight answers and just a bit strange behaviour. Just thought that’s it that’s him. Continued, all dealings with were pleasant etc but again not feeling very supported. Noticing a few compliments, looks etc. then realise one day about 6 months ago I’ve got a bit of a crush.

I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, ’concentrate on the negative,’concentrate on and only talk about the job () but I feel like there’s some sort of reciprocation and honestly I think colleagues are picking up on it now.

I’ve also noticed another colleague seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him too - just her behaviours. This makes me think a. He’s either deliberately laying little remarks/ behaviours etc that people pick up on And likes being the centre of attention.

mot b. He’s just a bit friendly/ nice etc and completely unawares of the effect he’s having on people.

i suspect a. I am well aware of the repercussions of acting on this in even the smallest way and have no intention of doing this. I think I need to remind myself that he’s most likely a creep who gets a kick out of female attention and he’s trying to get this at work which makes him a pretty rubbish manager. But tbh I feel like the more I try to put boundaries up (as above) the worse if gets.

ps I don’t love the job (largely because of the ‘culture’ / weirdness etc) so am on the lookout for other jobs.

Anyway AIBU to ask for tips of how you got out of awkward work crush? Thanks

This OP is guaranteed to do something daft and damage this guy’s reputation for no reason other than an unrequited crush.

quite scary really.

just a matter of time.

Sorry I missed this in the midst of everything else.

good luck finding another job x

It’s a shame because I really like my actual job. It would be nice with a good manager. I’m not sure whether moving to another area team would work (apparently a few people moved to different teams ‘tenporarily’ and never returned- I’m beginning to see why) or just cut my losses and leave - bit risking liking the role less.

When I first met my team they all looked so fed up and knackered. There’d be meetings and people would just not speak, sit there staring at a desk etc. was very odd but I get it now. The guys just added me on social media. I’ve accepted cos I feel like I should and he has other team members but I just feel like it’s another avenue to intrude.

This thread gets more and more surreal everytime OP posts. OP, you are really sounding unhinged now. Your poor manager.

And yet you also say you have a 'crush' on this person?

I am so confused.

Oh fgs don't accept on social media! Or quietly drop him after a couple of weeks and if he brings it up say something vague like oh I've decided I'm using it too much and cutting back.

How anyone is defending this guy is beyond me..

Probably because people are dubious about how valid some of the claims are
and love to see what he would have to say

What a bizarre thread. So your boss is "creepy" staring at colleagues, complementing them, touchy feely, connect outside work hours and inappropriate comments? Yet you have a big crush on him?

I am genuinely not sure if your either asking advice on how to deal with this kind of boss or how to "get over" this crush.

What do you find attractive about him to crush on OP? If he made a move on you how would you feel? Happy? If he made a move would you reciprocate? Or would you be disgusted and make a claim to HR about his behaviour? I can't get a read on your actual feelings about this.

Could not agree more.

OP: Let me tell you about my horrible manager, who is a creep and does many disgusting things.

Also OP: I have a crush on him that is so intense I am starting a thread to ask for advice on how to 'get over' him.

Accepting social media is just going to perpetuate it beyond leaving.

As I have explained. This job was 95% remote in the first year when I was settling in. So his interactions with staff would have been largely one to one over teams, or doubling up on visits. Aside from phoning/ messaging a colleague (who,l I had met a handful of times) to ask if his behaviour was the same towards them (which would seem odd and gossipy wouldn’t it) I had no idea of what was going on.

if I’m honest the whole experience was pretty lonely (everyone just keeps to themselves) and I probably latched onto this guy who seemed ‘nice’ at the beginning. The other lady who seems to have a soft spot for him started a few months before me so I expect she had the same lovely feelings too and maybe latched onto him.

im pretty grossed out by why I have the feelings I do.

thanks for the responses to the actual comments.
for the people who can’t get their heads round why I drop fed and can’t believe it because I seem so unhinged, I was just asking for ways to get over a crush. Maybe him being a creep is subjective. I don’t know. I don’t need to justify it. I came for advice to get over this. Thanks to all who’ve given helpful advice.

Ps when I say latched onto him. He was the only person I needed to talk to about the job (he dishes the work out, signs it off etc). As everyone just does their own thing (until the recent going back to the office which has helped collaboration) I barely needed to deal with anyone else.

Okay yes I get that your work was remote and you mostly only had contact with your boss who seemed nice and gave you attention (but surely that was his job). You've interpreted this as him flirting with you and making you feel special? Which has led you to develop feelings for him?

But now you know he's like it with other colleagues you think this is creepy.

So I guess you are disappointed that his behaviour wasn't exclusive to you?

Where’s the gossiping?

The messages were to my personal mobile. He can of course text me on my work mobile whenever and I will answer when I am working.

So what? My colleagues and I regularly message on our personal mobiles. Giving each other the heads up in whatever or planning something quick for the next day. We use our personal mobiles for that kind of stuff because we don’t expect each other to be looking at our work mobiles at night.

You gave him your personal number, did you not?

Does your husband know you’ve accepted your crush on social media?

the only person I feel sorry for is him

Christmaswrap · 01/01/2024 12:00
I posted…
‘Hi op, I used to work wit guys like this. They would have a big ego, possible be v well paid, and would use their status to flirt very very subtly. It was a kind of power trip. It was very confusing because on the one hand I’d be flattered that such a big important manager would be flirting with little old me, on the other hand I’d see he was doing it with others too. And yes, the combined effect was that he was a bit creepy, even while a bit of me was flattered. They would also do what you say and wait till you were alone before being more touchy freely. I put it down to being young and attractiveNow I’m older I’d ignore the twat.
i suggest you do, he’s playing games, and feeding his ego, not being nice to you . Hope this helps’

you replied..
This is helpful thanks. So with the touchy feely I call him out on it right? Make a joke of it? Only thing is from past experience he then goes all frosty , will go on a do not disturb. anyway it’s very clear here that o need to communicate via teams etc where possible and avoid as much as possible.

so Im replying…
firstly to other posters..it's entirely possible to get a crush on a manager, even though your brain says they are being creepy. There may well be a little bit of you, that teeny insecure bit that you hide away, that is flattered by the attention, even as your more rational side says it’s creepy. Again, I’ve worked with a lot of powerful rich men who did exactly this. Rational me would be wary af. Insecure me that still thought she was spotty boring and dull, was secretly dead chuffed that someone so successful would invite me to the inner clique of gorgeous blondes for champagne and dinner etc. and then you do some wierd psychological stuff where you start to find them attractiver then you did, even as you know you are basically on a conveyor belt!

OP it’s a difficult one. In my experience making a joke, calling him out, will result in frostyness as you’ve wounded their ego. The nastier ones may then suggest things about you behind your back. Sorry, but it can happen.
I think yes, communicate via teams, avoid as much as possible - definitely try and not be alone with him, be always pleasant and polite. It helped me to buy a fake engagement and wedding ring, obv you don’t need to, and be a bit vague when chatting - and ‘not notice’ the flirting.
train yourself to see this guy in grey undies flashing at the bus stop, or whatever it takes to put you off him. He is a creep, unprofessional and horribly unpleasant on a total ego trip.
You Do Not want to be a proverbial notch on his bed post.
If it helps I had a boss like this that sent round robin texts of passion to several women at once. He thought he was an amazing, they thought he was an arse and would joke about who’d got the biggest gift off him.
all the best.

Oh and for what it’s worth I wouldn’t answer any messages on your private number, unless they are to the group, or unless, very rarely, they are about work, and then be super professional and professionally friendly, ( but not too friendly!)

Hi @Christmaswrap
I agree with everything you have mentioned in your post. We all have several parts to us, sub personalities like little personalities that have different goals and motivations. Sometimes these parts clash, like "I want to be married but I want to be free to travel the world" or "I like my home in the countryside but I want to live in a loft in New York". This is exactly what the OP is experiencing. One part of her is repulsed by this guy's attention and the other part is flattered. What OP needs to try to do is to reconcile these parts, maybe journal what it is she is getting from the attention of this creep and how she can meet the needs in other healthy ways.

Certainly, having a go at the OP is not going to help her.

It seems to me that English may not be OP's first language. Maybe she is from somewhere where men aren't nice to women generally and she is mistaking him being nice as attention. Maybe she therefore feels flattered and thinks he is interested when he simply isn't.

Thanks mummysgogetter I agree with you!

Stop blaming him and get on with your bloody job.

Any updates?