To ask how to get over this creep of a manager.

[Nottodaytgankyou]

Back story.

I’m married (2 years) with 9 year old and 11 year old. Manager also married with younger child than me.

Started a job that was hybrid (mainly remote) around 2 years ago. Very individual working/ job. At the beginning I thought the manager was odd - like not very managey, no straight answers and just a bit strange behaviour. Just thought that’s it that’s him. Continued, all dealings with were pleasant etc but again not feeling very supported. Noticing a few compliments, looks etc. then realise one day about 6 months ago I’ve got a bit of a crush.

I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, ’concentrate on the negative,’concentrate on and only talk about the job () but I feel like there’s some sort of reciprocation and honestly I think colleagues are picking up on it now.

I’ve also noticed another colleague seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him too - just her behaviours. This makes me think a. He’s either deliberately laying little remarks/ behaviours etc that people pick up on And likes being the centre of attention.

mot b. He’s just a bit friendly/ nice etc and completely unawares of the effect he’s having on people.

i suspect a. I am well aware of the repercussions of acting on this in even the smallest way and have no intention of doing this. I think I need to remind myself that he’s most likely a creep who gets a kick out of female attention and he’s trying to get this at work which makes him a pretty rubbish manager. But tbh I feel like the more I try to put boundaries up (as above) the worse if gets.

ps I don’t love the job (largely because of the ‘culture’ / weirdness etc) so am on the lookout for other jobs.

Anyway AIBU to ask for tips of how you got out of awkward work crush? Thanks

Apologies. It’s but it’s working. In the first year this meant wfh or book a desk (but no coordination so generally sitting in an office of people you don’t know) with a meeting once or twice a month. Now it means in the office 1 day then wfh/ book desk the other days.

Also we lone work doing visits. Sometimes we double up on these if we need two of us. When I’ve doubled up with him this is when he’s stared and been touchy feely.

Yes my post is a bit all over the place and I have drip fed. Apologies for that.

I think I explained further up that this is a different colleague to the one who acts like she fancies him.

so he’s been disrciminatory re. Pregnancy. All seems very above board right.

HE is not the one who sounds creepy and bizarre here... He's a creep, but you have a crush and are obsessed with him? Honestly, his compliments sound safe and friendly, the kind of thing an outgoing, friendly person might say in the workplace to put an awkward person at ease.

OP, have a google of 'limerence' and maybe try to talk about this with a professional?

Is the real question you’re asking “How do I get over my crush on the manager?” or “How do I take things further as I think this may be reciprocated?”

If the first one, then just keep doing what you’re doing, keep contact to a minimum and find a new job. If the second one, do the opposite but have a good, hard think first about what you both have to lose.

First one 100% thank you

Ok thank you. Maybe I’ve built a picture In my head. Maybe I’ve painted half a picture (I haven’t squashed 2 years of stuff in here).

Yup keep turning up. Doing the job and off I trot.

And yes if that doesn’t work look up linerance etc x

Yes my wording is wrong thank you for pointing this out

I may be going against the tide here, but I agree with OP.

Her mznager is a creep. He's deliberately manipulatingthe emotions of his staff.

He's a player.

He's already breaking boundaries by texting out of hours and will be - assuming he isn't already - asking for little favours that get bigger and bigger over time.

Have a work and a personal SIM and see how he changes. I predict that he'll be super attentive then the frost will come in. Log it all and keep DH informed as a witness and in case personal accusations are launched.

I would steer clear of him, not for your sake, for his. Who knows what trouble you'll get him into given how your minds working.

You can't find someone a creep and have a crush on them.

It sounds like you're jealous that someone else fancies him, that's all.

Own it instead of blaming him 🤷‍♂️

Hi op, I used to work wit guys like this. They would have a big ego, possible be v well paid, and would use their status to flirt very very subtly. It was a kind of power trip. It was very confusing because on the one hand I’d be flattered that such a big important manager would be flirting with little old me, on the other hand I’d see he was doing it with others too. And yes, the combined effect was that he was a bit creepy, even while a bit of me was flattered. They would also do what you say and wait till you were alone before being more touchy freely. I put it down to being young and attractiveNow I’m older I’d ignore the twat.
i suggest you do, he’s playing games, and feeding his ego, not being nice to you . Hope this helps

Ok people, lay off. OP said she gets it. Quit with the Pile on.

Thank you. Yes there seems to be a tactic of befriending/ flirting with people, favourites then dumping a load of stuff on them. Work I mean. It’s not my cup of tea and it’s exhausting having to try and put boundaries up, reading the mood because it definitely feels like h blows hot/ cold towards people. He’ll disappear and be unavailable for work purposes for days at a time.

Yup a lot of typical mumsnet responses as if I’m acting on this crush or even entertaining acting on this crush. I’d love to never have an inappropriate thought And be completely ‘hinged’ like these many mumsnetters are.

Hi OP,

this is happening to me. He deliberately flirts with all of us and I feel in pain all day at work because I have a desperate crush on him. It’s horrible.

I'm dealing with it by avoiding him as much as possible and looking for other jobs. I just want these feelings gone It’s such a head melt to have an insane attraction to someone who is flirting with others in front of you.

I'm confused over the whole creep/crush thing too.
And you've only been married 5 minutes!!

Thank you. This is the feeling I’ve got. About 6 months in a started a list of when strange behaviours/ outside work texts are happening etc. I have told husband about a lot of the behaviour and every now and again I ask him if the behaviours normal (he’s a team leader) and he says a defo no.

It’s all very insipid and I feel like I’m on shutter island in that place.

I made a joke in one of his texts to my personal no. That it was still my weekend (he’d asked how my weekend was before rambling about some work stuff I should have done that it turns out I had done and was exactly as it should have been anyway on my NWD). And he stopped straight away ( he was texting to tell me all sorts of random crap that everyone else managed to do in an email/ teams message). So he knows it’s crossing a boundary.

on the surface there’s very much a nice guy reputation to uphold but below the surface it seems a little different but he’s not groping people so I must be imagining it.

Sorry, but this is all getting rather unbelievable. You post your problem, don't get the answers you wanted, so you up the stakes. Still don't get the answers you wanted so you up them again. This isn't a drip feed. It's trying to lead to the answers you want.

The problem here is that you have a crush on him, and you are seeing and reading behaviours in him and others which appear to have no basis in fact. You even said yourself that the issue is that others are beginning to notice your behaviours so now you are creating a pile on of other people supposedly "hinting" at things that also don't have any real basis in fact.

Get on with your job and act like a professional. Stop gossiping with people about colleagues and managers. And if you can't do that because of your behaviour, then find another job.

It seems that crush may be a little stronger than the word crush implies. She is struggling with the fact that it’s all one sided so lashing out a little at the guy.

I’ve been married 12 years. I omitted the 1.

Hm. Read your comments and the replies. We only have your side, but even so he sounds sus to me. It sounds like his routine and his playbook. Shining you and looking for the green light at opportune moments. Turnng the heat up when you withdraw. So I don't think you can entirely dismiss your concerns about his behaviour. It looks like you are upset that it's not just you he does this with and you are struggling with it.

It's possible of course that this is how he is with people, including Derek from Accounts. But I doubt it.

Managers hold power over people, it's hard to highlight it or confront because of repercussions. He's definitely over any line I would draw from your description. I know that's going to upset some commenters on here, tough. It's this posters lived experience.

It's doubly dangerous for the OP as if she confronts and says he does have feelings, what hare is that going to set running?

You have to move on, and maybe bring it up in an exit interview with HR that his approach to (some of his) female reportees needs some .... work... especially with the doubling up situations that sound like a really vulnerable moment.

Thank you. 100%. Honestly I’ve never had such a situation before. I’ve experienced overt things but never this. It had me questioning myself constantly.
I guess the silver lining is it must be even more exhausting for him having to do this weird act with the whole team, his managers and his family at home .

I’m not gossiping 🤷‍♀️

And this is exactly why people often don’t speak out about strange behaviour.

I have come across men who don't seem able to have a normal friendship with women in the same way they do with men. Women are in the mum category or are seen through a sex filter as best I can describe it. Even at work, your value judged by your appearance, and relationships by degree of flirtiness. To be judged a successful business friendship you have to be flirting back. Hence if you don't respond he will work harder. There's almost a background filter of innuendo whenever they speak to women. And in how they talk about your friendships with other men too.

We've all been round them surely? I remember one manager in a temp job who put his hand on my knee in front of his own girlfriend. He didn't mean anything by it, he certainly didn't fancy me, he just liked to provoke. Creep.

Finding him creepy, AND having a crush on him, are contradictions in terms.