To ask how to get over this creep of a manager.

[Nottodaytgankyou]

Back story.

I’m married (2 years) with 9 year old and 11 year old. Manager also married with younger child than me.

Started a job that was hybrid (mainly remote) around 2 years ago. Very individual working/ job. At the beginning I thought the manager was odd - like not very managey, no straight answers and just a bit strange behaviour. Just thought that’s it that’s him. Continued, all dealings with were pleasant etc but again not feeling very supported. Noticing a few compliments, looks etc. then realise one day about 6 months ago I’ve got a bit of a crush.

I have tried to avoid them as much as possible, ’concentrate on the negative,’concentrate on and only talk about the job () but I feel like there’s some sort of reciprocation and honestly I think colleagues are picking up on it now.

I’ve also noticed another colleague seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him too - just her behaviours. This makes me think a. He’s either deliberately laying little remarks/ behaviours etc that people pick up on And likes being the centre of attention.

mot b. He’s just a bit friendly/ nice etc and completely unawares of the effect he’s having on people.

i suspect a. I am well aware of the repercussions of acting on this in even the smallest way and have no intention of doing this. I think I need to remind myself that he’s most likely a creep who gets a kick out of female attention and he’s trying to get this at work which makes him a pretty rubbish manager. But tbh I feel like the more I try to put boundaries up (as above) the worse if gets.

ps I don’t love the job (largely because of the ‘culture’ / weirdness etc) so am on the lookout for other jobs.

Anyway AIBU to ask for tips of how you got out of awkward work crush? Thanks

The bit about someone not starting a family and how that might be because of your manager.

After reading your update I can see he's a little flirty (in a very contained, careful kind of way). I've worked with men like this. I find that some women seem to really respond to this type of man (assuming the bloke's good looking with it). You say he enjoys the attention but you have to be honest with yourself, it sounds like you and your colleague are also enjoying/responding to his attention! So much so that you've both developed a crush on him.
I've never fancied this kind of a man. They don't do it for me.
I have no advice on how you get over a crush. It'll probably fizzle out over time. Alternatively, you can look for another job as it sounds like you dislike the company anyway.

O. Ok well this colleagues said to me “I want another child but not yet because of him” pointing at manager.

Slightly strange thing to say I’d say.

But yes you’re right maybe I’ll stick to my own business. I’ll get on with my job and keep everything professional. Just thought it was a very strange thing for her to say.

Yup and I can’t lie I’m pretty annoyed with myself for picking it all up. But I do feel like whenever I try to withdraw he lays it on thicker. But I guess I have to hold my ground and just get over it . It’s a job to pay the bills after all :)

This is a bit bizarre. Nothing you’ve said really indicates that he’s a creep, or that he’s busy bopping around the office playing mind games and ‘making’ women like him. It just sounds like you’re feeling guilty about having a crush on him and you’re casting around the put the blame on someone else! Crushes are pretty normal, you don’t need to beat yourself up about it, just keep professional and try not to give it any breathing room.

You’re absolutely right. I need to just let it ride out don’t I. No biggy. He can carry on being his flirty self and I need to just be professional and watch it all play out with the next person. 🙂

Well it seems like you are correct in that finding a new job would be the best option for you.

My response to your colleague saying they're putting off having another child due to this manager , would be to ask why . Have you not asked her?

To be honest this was at the Christmas meal then I think someone interrupted the conversation. If it comes up again I’ll ask.

Well there was no mention of any staring in your first post. So why would anybody have commented on that? Anyway sounds like you are making things up as you didn’t get the answers you wanted.

You’re right I should have said it in the original post. People aren’t to know.

Why would I make it up? I’m asking on an anonymous thread.

OP I get it. You thought he was a nice guy, developed a bit of a crush but now realise he's probably a bit of a player. Maybe not to the extent of actually sleeping with the women he flirts with but not the genuine person you thought he was.

I think many PPs are reading something different into "creep" hence the comments about how can you thunk someone is a creep and also fancy them. He's not someone who comes across creepy, hence the crush, but after knowing him a while you are second guessing your initial impression and suspect you've been played.

It’s obvious you’re jealous of the other attention he gets. You sound quite worrying. I’d look for another job.

Thank you’d maybe my language is a bit off 🤷‍♀️

I just wouldn’t go round flirting with people I didn’t have genuine intentions towards. But not everyone’s like me. And again working remotely has made it difficult to work out the lay of the land. Thank you for understanding.

I’m not going to go to HR, or ruin this guys life. He can carry on behaving in this way and maybe someone else will act all crazy and do that. 🤷‍♀️ The other lady and I’m sure more, will carry on with their crushes.I think it’s acting like a creep. But yup maybe it’s just being a flirt and wanting an ego boost and seeking that at work. And maybe I’m bitter.

It’s not my cup of tea. It makes him a little unprofessional and untrustworthy in my eyes.

Yup new year new job I think .

You're obsessed with him and tgink she is too but when i read her comment :putting iff a second child because of boss, i find it a staggering leap to take it to mean a love promise.. I took it as because of maternity/promotion/contract that she isn't on stable enough grounds to get pregnant from a career and finances point of view, but of course you will come back saying oh no she is permanent staff (!)

I think your crush is making you overthink and read into innocent interactions or light banter as more. I think if he gave you more soecial treatment you wouldn't be calling him creep, it reads like you're upset and angry that he is like this with everyone and stays within boundaries when you are dying for there to be more. You are, in fact, the creep here i'm afraid. Reign it in and focus on your work and marriage.

Sorry to be so brutal op but...you sound weird, unhinged and definitely more creepy than your poor boss.

Please find a new job. For everyone's sake.

Ok thank you.

Theother person who said about holding off having another child isn’t the other lady who has a crush on him. You’re right she is a permanent member of staff etc. maybe she wants to hold off for career reasons your right but her words were ‘because of him’ and pointed at him.

But yes maybe I’m obsessed. Time to get a life . Onwards and upwards x

What are you insinuating about the colleague who's putting off having a child because of him?

You say you don't know why she said it but it obviously meant something to you, so what is it?

Are you drunk it’s weird to have a crush on someone you call a creep 🤣

OP you’re trying to persuade yourself he’s a creep to switch off the crush. I think you’re getting a traditional MN hard time about that.

You ride it out (don’t ride him out) until it goes away. Someone being nice is nice to experience, compliments are nice - it easily
switches on the crush feelings.

He’s found this technique a successful
way of getting staff on side, of controlling behaviour to get them to do what he expects and making them like him. It will likely be no more than that.

I don’t know. Like I say our conversation was interrupted and we didn’t return to it.

I mean he made comments to me before about how 2 colleagues weren’t there long and timed their maternity leaves at the same time and was a bit bitter about that. He also made a ‘joke’ to me when I first joined about me not having any more children because lots of people had had maternity leave in a short space of time. I don’t know what’s been said to my colleague (she wasn’t there in these conversations and like I say it seems to have been lots of individual interactions between this manager and staff members). I can only imagine he’s made some jokes and comments like this. If so it seems inappropriate.

I’m short what I mean is people are saying some unusual things. Ive not experienced this in other work places and it seems like it’s coming from management. That’s all 🤷‍♀️

On one hand you say he stares and is touchy feely, next you say you are working remotely so it’s hard to judge him. There’s so much that doesn’t make sense about any of this.

Well there is your answer, he was discriminatory towards 2 pregnant staff members and asked if you will be having more. He is obviously not a supportive, family friendly employer and that is what she must have meant. You were massively projecting that she fancies him. That was your jealousy. Staff that have worked with him longer than you or more in daily contact know his personality and track record. Sadly many women placate their bosses in their 'banter' that skirts the boundaries of professionalism because their livelihood depends on keeping the job. They might seem friendly to his light flirty behaviour, if it genuinely is so, in order to keep peace at work.

His stares could be totally innocent:
Observing how you're getting on
Lost in thought
Thinks or noticed strange behaviour from you and wondering wtf

When a man fancies you enough he makes it plainly obvious no matter who or what is at stake. Even if he is attracted, he doesn't deem the risk worth the reward.

I don't think his compliments were flirty. He commended your work, he complimented your shoes which an impersonal item unlike if he said he liked a physical feature like your feet(!) or eyes..., the vibe is such a safe compliment, it means pleasant to work with or bring a good atmosphere to work.