This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

Me too :( My in-laws are fab - always interested and call the kids, play with them take them out etc. Mine not so much, if at all, to the extent that I asked my mum if she wanted to come to watch my Youngest’s Christmas Concert on her day off and then she cancelled on the day as she didn’t get out of bed on time - makes she so sad as my daughter knew she was meant to come as well. I won’t make the mistake of letting the kids know she plans things next time. Makes me really sad as this wasn’t the relationship I had/have with my grandparents either.

Be careful, not all this generation of grandparents are like this. My parents have gone above and beyond with childcare and so have my in-laws. They’ve done what they can around their work and other commitments. I think it just depends on the person: their experiences, priorities and personality.

its a shame your children don’t get to spend time quality with their grandparents.

would they say no if you asked them to take them somewhere one weekend, even offer to pay incase the cost is putting them off?

My parents are in their 80s and my dad in particular has always been very hands on with his gc and now ggc. They never provided childcare and rarely babysat but we're very good at taking them away for the day or away for a few days.
My dd2 has an almost 2 year old. I would love to spend more time with him but she seems to want to spend any spare time with friends rather than family. Hopefully as he gets older I will get to see him more often. Perhaps when she has a 2nd dc she'll need me more. Dd1 is pregnant but she lives over 150 miles away. Hopefully I'll be able to help out in the summer holidays. I'm still working at 58 and don't expect to retire for another 9 years.

@Rhubarb36 that is terrible on your mother's behalf. The way in which some people hold their family in such low regard is really saddening. Thankfully you've got your in-laws to make your children feel special and treat them the way they should be

I never really had relationships with any of my grandparents and my mum wasn't really interested in being a parent...that's life I suppose. All you can really do is be in control of your own life. I've been a very involved parent and I love being a nanny but unfortunately some people have no desire to take on the responsibility of their grandchildren. That's their choice, you just have to accept it and enjoy your children.

She's not talking about childcare though. She's saying that they NEVER make an effort to see the kids and on the rare occasion she's needed emergency childcare she's had to beg for it. And on top of that grandmother will take copies of pictures OP sends and frames them as their own, loving grandparents spending so much time with the kids.

There's a vast difference between having your grandchildren for set days and times and just, you know, wanting to come see them and spend time with them.

3 of my grandparents died before I was born so I always felt I missed out.(the other one lived 300 miles away) I love spending time with my grandsons now, doing stuff or going places. Equally if I’m knackered as I work full time, a day on the sofa watching kids movies on the weekends is always a welcome treat. I’m sorry that you’re in this position and I really hope that they come to interact more as they’re the ones losing out 😔

Exactly this. Not saying OP is like this but the "trend" on tiktok and the like is all about mothers rules, boundaries, expectations etc which is fine, they are the parent. But then when grandparents cant be arsed with the micromanaging and step back, then the parents complain theyve no "village" or support, yet they caused it being dicks in the first place 😅

I have a big gap between my oldest and youngest. My own gran sounds very like your grandma, a really invested grandparent. She helped a lot with my oldest because my mum and dad worked full time, although they still helped out.
My gran and dad have passed away and my mum was older when the youngest came along so she took partial retirement to help with childcare when i went back to work, sees her regularly and we have days out in the holidays. My mil sees the youngest once a year if youre lucky, she doesnt work and sees my bils kids daily.

Are your inlaws close to the kids?

I wonder if the generation of grandmas like your own are a bit of a myth, OP? My grandad was fun and he and my gran occasionally took us to the seaside, but my mum's parents didn't seem particularly interested in us.

Your post has struck a chord with me because my DM died when the kids were little and the surviving grandparents, while nowhere near as distant as your parents, never offer a sleepover or a day out or anything like that. I wonder if that's the norm though?

If the grandparents in question are working full time and caring for their own parents I think they probably have their hands full.

How old are your kids OP? In many ways I feel the same as you - however I also think that my mum is just not that great with very small kids - mine are 3 and 1 and think she’ll be much better with them when they can chat properly, do board games, go to the cinema etc etc. Really little kids are so needy and hard to relate to if you’re not the parent. I can see that my mum is much better with my 3yo now than when he was 2, and think (hope) this trend will continue. Ours and PPs lovely memories of grandparents are probably mostly from when we were 8, 9, 10 years old etc.

reread the thread before responding next time

They aren’t caring for their own parents. There is only one great grandparent left and I see her more than my parents do

Same here 😞 on both side. Both sets had so much support (both physical and financial) when my husband and I were kids and only one parent worked and we get absolutely no help in any form when we work full time! My kids have slept out 3 times in their life and are 4 and 8! They never pop in or ask to take them anywhere - it’s always us begging if we absolutely need them (like when we’re poorly or we’re doing building work on the house)

Both my child’s GPs are heavily involved and couldn’t ask for more. My Mum and MIL see him very regularly and my mum is working part time and 68 and my MiL is 74ish.

I often see multiple GPs engaged at school events etc (my son is turning 7).

However I would say if your own mum works full time then she can’t be readily available. The difference when we were kids is women weren’t under the same financial pressures so as a family unit they largely didn’t work and had significantly more time to raise children rather than depending on nurseries etc like most of us do now.

I’m lost my now 18

We look after our GC a lot but it's causing an issue between myself and my husband. I retired due to ill health but my husband who also has a medical condition has to work. He comes home to a houseful of little ones between the ages of 5 and 8. One is autistic one has ADHD and one is a very difficult child who uses screaming as the main method of communication. He's up very early and he comes home tired. He's grumpy with me but not the GC. He says things have to change but he wants me to be the bad guy. If I don't have the children their mums can't work. It's exhausting but what can I do.

Well that says it all if your expecting every poster to read 20 pages of drip feed, my reply will always be to your original post. BTW I had grandparents who lived their own lives far away and yet we still had a great relationship, same with my children and parents. None of us ever expected the grandparents to be surrogate 2nd parents

@Mooshakem if you’ve retired on ill health it sounds as though you should be taking things a bit easier. Though if all the GC are 5 to 8 they must all be in school thank goodness! To be honest, the parents should be organising their work around the kids school hours. I know holidays are difficult and extra help is often needed then but I do think if you choose to have children then you need to think about childcare. GP have already brought up children. To expect them to do it again is too much. They should be having the GC for odd days and sleepovers for enjoyment and pleasure not as a full time job! I don’t think that’s fair or should be expected of GP. I feel for you. You must be exhausted. And I think there needs to be a conversation with the parents to take some of the load off you.

I don’t have DC but my DM sounds similar to yours in that there is generally a lack of care/ interest but then at Christmas/ birthdays etc she will post gushing photos on Facebook to give the impression that she is close to family and loving. She has no right to post your photos on her Facebook so perhaps asking her not to do that might be a start. You’re unlikely change her behaviour to be a more involved grandparent but you might be able to at least limit behaviours like that which might cause you upset.

another reply where you haven’t read the thread. find another thread that only has one OP response maybe? you’re totally missing the point with all of your replies.

yeah agree, i’m just going to stop posting pictures / stop sending them. if they want to see the kids they know where i live

Dear topicstarter,

I understand your feelings. I grew up closely with my grandparents (my mums parents, my dad's parents passed away before I was born). They were taking me to school, taking me home after school, taking me to different after school classes, kids clubs etc. I stayed at their place every weekend, all school holidays, including 3 months at summer time. When my younger sister was born, my grandma literally moved in with us to help my mom and stayed with us for over a year! It felt like something normal to me when grandparents are present in their grandchildren's life and help new parents. That "village" that help you raise the child, you know?
Few years ago I got married and moved to the UK to live with my husband. My family is 2700 miles away. When my son was born I had a lot guilt that my parents can't see their one and only grandchild enough. My PIL help a bit but I was always sure that if my parents are around they would help me much more. Few months ago we arranged a trip abroad together. I thought my parents will be happy to spend some time with my son while my husband and I get a bit of rest. When I say "rest" I don't mean a lot. Maybe to lay on the lounger in peace for 30 minutes while grandparents watch our son on the swings or have a dinner just for the two of us for 1-2 hours one evening while grandparents can take our little one to hotels kids club. We had lovely family hotel with a lot of fun activities for kids so it would be very easy to keep little one occupied and grandparents wouldn't have to do much themselves. But I was absolutely shocked that my parents didn't want to be involved. Not even for a little bit. Every day they were making their own plans not considering us or our LO schedule. They always made sure to criticise us, our parenting technics and how dare we are "to attend evening entertainment when we should be locked in our room making little one to sleep". No help was offered even when I directly asked for help. They said they are here to relax and enjoy their vacation, not to babysit a child. Of course it was our first and last vacation together and I have no guilt anymore that we live far away from them. It was eye-opening experience for sure.

What also shocks me is an overall mood of modern society. Even reading comments here I see a lot of "no one owes you anything", "they don't have to help you", "you decided to have a child then struggle on your own". There is no "village" anymore, no family values, no family connections when people help each other during challenging times. Despite having a family you are always on your own like if you don't have one. I have never felt myself so lonely in my life and yes, the fact that parents don't want to be involved was a huge shock to me after my own childhood where grandparents were hugely involved.

Well you can either support the relationship your parents have and may develop in the future with your children and the fact that they have been there for you when you’ve said you REALLY needed them or you can let your sense of entitlement and strange ideology of a responsibility they never asked for run away with its self