This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

I invite them on days out all the time and they always refuse. Can’t remember the last time they said yes (and we don’t do expensive stuff because we can’t afford that either, it’s usually free things like parks/beach/forest walks etc). I do go round with them sometimes but everytime I’m made to feel unwelcome and they just sit on their phones and ignore the children so I’m going less and less now, just no point really.

I'm so sorry Op that's awful. Did you have a good relationship with them growing up? I think perhaps that has a lot to do with it.

Rather than pushing them into childcare alongside their full time jobs why don’t you try including them in family life?

Ah ignore my last comment. Sorry I hadn’t seen this context.

I think on this basis consider that you saw your grandparents a lot because your own parents aren’t that interested in kids?

@vickylou78 honestly it’s hard to say. they were usually fine, made a big deal out of birthdays and christmas for us growing up but i don’t have many memories of day to day things with them, like going to the park/having them pick me up or take me to school/going on normal days out. my dad was quite shouty and aggressive and they argued with eachother a LOT/mum used to discuss divorcing my dad with us as kids and tried to get us to take sides in their arguments. just both very volatile people. smacking/screaming in our faces/throwing water on me to wake me up/sending me to primary school with dirty hair and clothes to the point that a teacher pulled me aside for it. i had a rough time at school with bullying and a decade on my mum still tells me the way i was at that point in my life (depressed, lonely, scared to go to school) has made my dad the way he is now (moody). i do have nice memories sprinkled in with those things but overall i get the vibe that if they could go back and not have us they wouldn’t, they seem very resentful and often putting me down for my achievements not being ‘good enough’. etc etc

but now that i’ve grown up they seem to have forgotten those things and tell my sister and i were just remembering wrong. i don’t know. i feel like i say this and then people respond with why would you want that around your kids but that’s not how they are with my children, just their own

@AnneValentine yeah i think im starting to realise they resent/regret us 😅 i just don’t want my own children to feel like this. their grandparents on my dh’s side are crap too. just feel sad for them

I'm in my late 60s but not yet a grandparent. My parents, partcularly my amazing dad, were great GPs to my son until they died. He was an amazing dad and acted the same as a grandparent. My own grandparents on the otherhand were not very hands on, despite actually living in the same house for several years.
It's unreasonable to say that this generation is screwed, it isn't, it's just individuals choosing or not to be actively involved in your child's life. It was ever thus.

It's crap isn't it @icelollybrolly. My DD loves my best friends mum who is an amazing nanny, very involved and often around. It makes me sad when DD is playing with her and so excited to see her because she just doesn't have that with her own grandparents and it's almost like she's a bit over the top with her sometimes but I think it's because she's craving that nanny figure for herself.

Both sets are retired here but don’t live nearby. I have one set who are great, will offer to drop everything to come and look after kids if they are ill (they live nearly 3 hours drive away). Other set who live 2.5 hours away and will whine they never see the kids/miss the kids but don’t make an effort to come and act like it’s a huge chore when we ask them to come help. They complain we don’t FaceTime enough but don’t seem to realise their phones/ipads can make outgoing calls as well as receive incoming one (they do really, just me being sarcastic about them never ringing is then complaining we haven’t rung them!) We don’t expect them to help but they complain we always ask the other set and say ‘they have two sets of grandparents you know’ but then act like they are doing us a massive favour when we do ask, yet complain they don’t see the kids often enough in the next breath that annoys me! Either you want to spend time with them or you don’t but don’t complain both ways 😤

Essentially, I think they want us to take the kids to them, after we’ve both worked all week!

Some of the responses on here are literally batsh*t crazy!
Your parents sound awful.

1. stop sending all the photos you do, send an update every 2 weeks or monthly instead
2. don’t respond to every text they send you, you’re busy!
3. move away ASAP
4. let them waste their years in front of the tv if that’s what makes them happy. You’ve tried including them and inviting them but it’s pretty evident they couldn’t give a F.
5. continue to comment on their fb posts ‘we had so much fun, you guys should really come out with the kids one of these days. It’s been months since they’ve seen you!’
6. focus on you, your kids and your family unit and teaching your own children the value in a close loving family.

My parents live 10 minutes away, we rarely speak, my third baby is 9 months old and they’ve never even bothered to meet her. They’re not nice people but I wish them well, over there, away from us 😊

My parents moved closer to where my husband and I live with our 3 children, OFF THEIR OWN ACCORD to be closer to the grandchildren as they wanted a relationship with them - as we were many hundreds of miles away from my own grandparents and didn’t see as often as wanted - although I have memories of them being involved and playing when we were younger.
we see my parents twice a week - once at theirs and once at ours, the at ours is so they can entertain the kids while I get stuff done but more often than not my mum just sits on her backside doing nothing. My dad gets involved but gets angry easily at them which I don’t recall my grandparents ever doing. He’ll also huff and puff about it at times.
I’d have coped perfectly fine without them closer tbh as it ends up stressing me out more, and they often make a big deal about them moving closer even though it was entirely their choice - they were never asked to. They don’t work, but when they did my dad had an incredible fast pace, high powered job yet anything seems to cause him stress or hassle now - it blows my mind. I don’t get it and hope to be an entirely different grandparent one day!

I know what you mean. My parents were good parents to me. Always around, we did stuff together etc. Then I had my first child and they separated and met new people, went off to live their own lives, fair enough, but they totally lost any interest in their old life and have barely shown any interest in the kids over the years, other than when its a larger family gathering and they want to look like involved grandparents.
My kids are all in their late teens and early 20's now and they have absolutely no interest in keeping in touch with my parents because they barely know them. The only contact they have is when I manage to convince my kids to visit with me for a few hours, or when they send thank you cards after christmas.
Thankfully my in laws have always been extra loving and involved grandparents so they haven't missed out at all.

It's not about them looking after the children, just them having a meaningful relationship with each other.

It’s crap but ultimately it’s their loss. My in laws are the same with my LO. Only half hour down the road but have only visited once in the last 10 months. Will only see him if I visit them. Brought him round to theirs once at 6 months old and they plonked him in front of the tv and then questioned as to why he wasn’t interested in tv. We left shortly after 🤦‍♀️

like you I grew up with very hands on grandparents and always wanted that relationship for my kids but sadly not everyone thinks that way. It’s all very well to make out things are great for social media but the kids will know who’s there for them and who isn’t.

personally I would stop sending pictures and updates. Unless specifically asked for them. You shouldn’t have to beg to have people in your kids lives. Live your best life with your kids. It’s the grandparents who will lose out in the long run, thankfully your kids don’t know any different ❤️

I know the same feeling. My partners parents live about 10 minute drive away but may as well be on the other side of the world. They just don’t give a toss about our kids and make zero effort to spend any time with them. We are pretty much at the stage now where we see them around birthdays and Christmas but even then it’s only
if it suits them and not before thoroughly checking that there are no coughs or sniffles at our end. I used to take the kids to see them but it was always a one way street so I decided not to bother and I would take them when they asked to see them. Surprise surprise they never ask to see them.

it is not at all about expecting or even wanting them to provide childcare, it’s about wanting them to give a shit and want to have a relationship with their grandkids. I had a lovely relationship with all
my grandparents and genuinely felt loved by them all, it makes me sad that my children won’t have that same experience. My parents passed away when I was young so they only have one set of grandparents and they are honestly a waste of space, I can’t imagine treating my own grandkids the same way when my children have families of their own.

It's not a generation. It's individuals. Given what you have said about them why on earth would you want them having a bigger role in your kids life?

Think your expectations are completely unreasonable, no doubt your parents are tired out from working all week, I certainly wouldn’t then have the energy to then care for other people’s children all weekend. Farms, day trips etc are all the sort of things I do with my own kids, not expect my parents to take responsibility for. Please don’t go down the route of ruining the relationship your kids have with their grandparents just because they don’t do your job for you

Absolutely agree, being a grandparent should be fun for grandparent and grandchild, not extra responsibility. The grandparents have already done their time with the stress of worrying it children going to fall off climbing frame and the tedium of what to cook kids for dinner etc

I think Brexit and covid might be factors in our own family.

The grandparents were less keen to see disease vectors children during covid.

The kids think the grandparents were idiots to be taken in by Brexit.

The end result is that they don't have the relationship they had a few years ago, but maybe that's natural anyway?

Unfortunately you can't make people care! If it makes you feel any better FIL visited from Scotland (we live in SE). Husband visited him virtually every every day, a few times with our toddler, as he was staying with his brother about 20 mins away. Not once did he come to see our new baby. He literally went home after about 10 days without without even seeing him.

I certainly wouldn't then have the energy to then care for other peoples children

This attitude just blows my mind. We're not talking about the next door neighbours kids or some random down the road, we're talking about peoples grandchildren!

But what if you don't like them? Or they haven't been taught how to behave? I'm not convinced that you have to love people just because you share dna with them.

I had a conversation with my daughter following this 1 am 64 not in great health hubby in 67 we have our 4 grand children a lot for tea dinner shopping trips days out weekends away sleep overs making baking football we cant do what we used to do and we are very grateful as are they for this time however when i asked my daughter 41 if shes looking forward to being a grandparent the answer was a resounding no!!! I jokingly said well if i am still around and capable i said i would have them over she said deal!!! Sad but she may change her mind my mum was never interested in me as a child or my children

Many grandparents look after children full time so that parents can go to work enabling them to pay the mortgage, so don't tar all grandparents with the same brush. Anyway,
the children are yours and you are responsible for them.

I'm so sorry that you went through that, OP. Your parents sound really crap if I'm honest. Ignore the 'not all boomers' boomering. Sensible, intelligent people understood your comment. To the people moaning at the OP, if her description doesn't describe you then it isn't about you, so why fall over yourself to defend yourself?