This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

But what if you don't like them? Or they haven't been taught how to behave?

Jesus, I can't believe any grandparent would feel like this towards their grandchildren. It's a shocking stance to take. How sad that someone could feel this way towards their own flesh and blood. And as for how to behave,

In my culture, the elders take great pleasure in passing our lessons on to the younger generation. Grandchildren enrich our lives and we have lots to pass on to them

Yes, my gran has been very involved with all of her grandchildren and is reaping the rewards now she is in her 80s - she’s never short of company, has a wide circle of family to help her and she says spending time with us all keeps her young. Now we’re all adults we do nice things like go for afternoon tea or museums. By comparison the grandparents I know who couldn’t have been less interested when their grandchildren were small moan that nobody wants to see them, they’re lonely and have no help in their old age.

Many people don't enjoy toddlers and small children. That doesn't change just because of shared DNA. They can love the grandchildren without wanting to spend lots of time around them. Let alone use up their retirement doing childcare.

Fine but as I said. They can’t then magically expect a close bond the moment they turn 18 and are better/more interesting company.

Hi guys i am very co fused with the terms boomers millenials etc anyone kindly write out a generational list so i fully understand TIA

Yes I think it would be hard to maintain a good relationship with someone who voted to damage your life chances.

Fortunately my ds and dm are aligned on most political things and my mum voted Remain,

I wouldn't bother, they are generally used in a derogatory way (and often inaccurately as well).

Very broadly

"Boomers" (baby boomers) are 50s/60s born

Gen X are 70s born

Millennials are people who came of age from the year 2000

Gen Y and Z are younger still.

I probably have it wrong as well!

We are the complete opposite,

we are not permitted to take our grandchildren anywhere without their parents coming too.

We have offered Lap Land Disney Paris Lego Land Harry Potter world etc etc etc.
We recently took them to Chessington World but had to pay for their parents too.
I would do anything to see them more , look after them in the holidays etc but as the paternal gran we are not allowed.
Such a shame that the children miss out.
We have been accused of buying them too much at birthday and Xmas too!!!

Have you deliberately misunderstood me? Have you never heard of the expression teaching your grandmother to suck eggs? It is exactly that attitude that gets GPs’ backs up. The first time I was left alone with GS3 my DIL started to tell me how to change his nappy. Fortunately my son stepped in to stop her. He at least realised I had knowledge, expertise and common sense. I can be trusted without being given “rules” to follow.

That is one rule I am happy to follow. My SIL( a tech guy himself) is very clear he does not want his children’s pictures put on social media. I am often surprised how often both parents and GPs share photos on Facebook.

@LaurieStrode its not much fun looking after and caring for elderly parents either. Doesn't mean you don't do it or help out

Cmonluv, a few pages back asked me how my children with children feel about my working full time and that when they were young we had a daily nanny (and indeed my children who have children work and have childcare for my grandchildren). My post above was simply about my family's culture and I said many other cultures are different and that is fine. It does not mean I am right or wrong. however it can be hard to understand a different culture. When my father was getting very old in NE England he arranged carers (local women) and they found it very hard to understand that people's children might move cities aged 18 for university and that the parents actually wanted their children to do as they did and move away and get good careers etc. I don't blame them for thinking it was strange we had all done as our parents wanted and moved hundreds of miles away as they were not used to seeing that. My father was delighted we were doing as we did.

Most people think their own norm is the right way to be but it is simply that there are lots of different ways to live a good life.

Anyway I was asked what my children thought about this and particular that I am a full time working grandparent. I don't think they ever expected anything else. It is one reason all 5 have bought a first property and graduated without student loans etc. Vast huge benefits have flown from my career choices down to them and it is not as if I stuck them in a boarding school and disappeared abroad for 10 years until they were 18. Instead outside working hours like most working men and women I was there loving them, breastfeeding them, cuddling them, nightly bed time stories etc etc. We have also had some lovely family holidays with the 3 generations, the last one last Autumn so I don't even particularly feel less close than non working grandparents but I do not look after grandchildren in a parental way so of course the relationship is and will be different than if I were in effect a substitute parent day in day out with them. I am fine with that as are my children who have children.

In my culture too. But unrealistic expectations from entitled parents can often spoil GPs’ relationships with their grandchildren. As evidenced by some of the comments on this thread.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to mention safety concerns like make sure coats are taken off etc there’s lots of things now days that’s actually unsafe but in my parents day it wasn’t considered unsafe (smoking is a prime example).

My LO has a dairy allergy. I always make sure to tell anyone he might be with about what he can and can’t have regardless of comments such as “in my day there was no allergies” and “allergies are a new made up thing”. Even with guidance I’ve caught people almost giving him something with dairy cause they know better.

When you care about someone you should be happy to adapt to them and not take offence over silly things

My own grandparents were all in bad health in their 50s and dead before 60, so never did any childcare, my parents were loving grandparents, but did not do childcare for us, in fact my mother still had teenage children living at home. They would help in emergencies, such as severe illness or hospitalisation. I have done regular childcare, when I could whilst working full time, and once I retired, did child care and cared for my elderly mother. I don't think you can just write all present day grandparents off as uncaring, people are different and have different strengths, weaknesses, and personalities.

Perhaps they just don't like children, perhaps having you put them off!🙄

🤣@queenMab99 . I suspect that’s the case with DH’s parents. They had four children and were v. involved parents. But I think they’ve had enough of children. They’re more interested now the children are teenagers and can have interesting conservations.

Why aren't you allowed?

The part about your father’s carers in the NE of England not realising that children moved away to attend uni/pursue careers made me laugh 😆 Were his carers flown in by Time Machine from the Edwardian era?

Stop sending them photos, if they want photos they need to see them and take their own then

This could have been written by my eldest daughter, she spent a lot of time with my mother growing up, as my mother retired ( at 60)when she was born, I however still had teenage children when my first grandchild was born AND worked running my own business, I still do work full time and to be honest when it gets to the weekend I want to rest and catch up on my jobs.. not babysit. I genuinely don’t have the energy, so when I did have the grandkids, yes I stayed home with them and did as little as possible, I was knackered! (I speak in past tense as relations with eldest daughter is now non existent, nothing to do with my lousy child sitting services btw)
This generation of grandparents now have to work longer as retirement age was upped…so yes we are different unfortunately.

Maybe read the OP's posts before putting in snide digs. Her parents sound borderline abusive, certainly unkind. I would be remembering their lack of care when it comes to what they expect in old age. You get what you give, and old people that were bad parents AND haven't redeemed themselves by being decent grandparents can't expect gold plated treatment. More likely the cheapest possible carehome. I hope that the poor OP is at least going to get an inheritance.

I was one of many, many grandchildren on one side of the family and I think they'd had their fill of caring responsibilities when I came along. I had a kind of "visit for polite tea" relationship with them only. I think they babysat for me once or twice that I can remember. Nice, kind people but we weren't that close.

The other set lived 100 miles away, though I did visit probably once or twice a year to stay and enjoyed it, but it wasn't a day to day close relationship.

My own mother absolutely dotes on my DD. They have a great bond. She is her only grandchild and is my DD's only grandparent, which perhaps explains it to some extent. And she's retired. They saw each other once a week until school started. Now she's at school she has a sleepover with her perhaps once a month and I think they both miss the more regular contact.

To the people moaning at the OP, if her description doesn't describe you then it isn't about you, so why fall over yourself to defend yourself?

If someone made an OP here with a title that generalised all millennials/whatever generation you belong to, by criticising them for their parenting, would you honestly not respond by defending yourself @VanityDiesHard ?