This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

@Mia45 i think you are missing the point that there is no relationship between the OP’s parents and her DC and that is down to a lack of effort on their part. There is no relationship to support but why should it be on her to support it and not the grandparents. The fact they act on social media as the doting grandparents tells me that they believe that is the correct way to behave towards GC but just can’t be arsed to do it in real life. It is not about entitlement it is about wanting them to care

@Minadka you can certainly see where the breakdown of modern family comes from reading this thread.

I’m not saying she has to make an effort, one set of my grandparents lived abroad and there was no such thing as face time and international calls were expensive but we were still in each other’s thoughts, they still had pictures of us up and we of them and often both often talked to our friends and family. When we saw them perhaps once every few years or talked on the phone at Christmas it was extra special. The GP may not be some Disney fantasy the OP is expecting but that doesn’t mean they don’t or won’t have a relationship. I was 10 before spent time on my own with GP and still treasure the memories. No doubt once the GP have retired they will have the energy to do more with their adult DC family

P.s. my GP moved abroad after their first grandchildren were born and none of us grandchildren would have wanted them to do anything different, they deserved to enjoy life after bringing up their own children

Yes we would have had no treasured relationship with our GP if our parents would have had such expectations. They never expected our GP to travel to see us or babysit and our GP, we saw each other when was convenient to them and our parents and we kids were fine

I think it’s just people and their stages of life in general, you have a baby and some friends/aunts/uncles will be gushing and want to come over every 5 minutes and offer to babysit and some don’t want to be too involved but still want to go to the cinema with you. Have friends who were gushing with my first baby but by time they’d had their own kids they weren’t that interested and I can say can blame them. I’ve been the same. Grandparents are people after all, yes they may have decided to have children and most people take that responsibility seriously whether they enjoy it or not but that doesn’t mean they signed up to be gushing super involved grandparents. Many people don’t even have GP but grow up quite happily with good parents. Many GP relationships don’t develop until children are older. The toxic sense of entitlement of many young parents today will sadly ruin many families

@Mia45 I'm referring to the sentiments expressed here of no one owes you anything, just because you're family doesn't mean you have to like each other or spend time together or want to help each other out. Do people extend these sentiments to their friendships as well? It just seems a very sad and lonely way to live to me. Anyone close to me, family or friends, I would help if I could. That's what gets you through life, especially when the chips are down, the relationships and connections you build, not this you're on your own mentality. Someone said I don't want to look after other peoples children as if they were talking about a random, not their own flesh and blood!

'What also shocks me is an overall mood of modern society. Even reading comments here I see a lot of "no one owes you anything", "they don't have to help you", "you decided to have a child then struggle on your own". There is no "village" anymore, no family values, no family connections when people help each other during challenging times. Despite having a family you are always on your own like if you don't have one.'
It's really strange and sad @Minadka and @rudolph2 that so many people don't see the value of cultivating and maintaining relationships. It's even sadder that some posters see the wish to develop immediate family relationships as entitled and toxic.

“It's even sadder that some posters see the wish to develop immediate family relationships as entitled and toxic”

I couldn’t say it any better. Exactly that 😟

@rainingsnoring exactly this. Don’t get me wrong, there are some very entitled people in this world but I find it very sad that someone who just wants their parents to show an interest in their grandkids and have an active and loving relationship with them is being called entitled by some posters. It’s not as if she’s saying that she wants them to pack in their jobs and provide free childcare 5 days a week! Like you have said, the emphasis nowadays on “no body owes you anything” is a really sad way to live. Whatever happened to helping people because it’s a nice thing to do

how have they been there for me when i really needed them. they were prepared to let me have my csection alone and the only reason i didn’t is because it became an emergency csection the day my daughter was already in nursery so dh could come. as ive said there isn’t any point in responding to a thread you haven’t read

This.

@mia45 I'm afraid it is you who is coming across as toxic.

Hi there
I'm a mum of one a single parent. I work part time and I agree my memories of my grandparents were lovely. I remember museum visits , sleepovers...and yes my mum has done this a few times but like you it feels like a massive favour and I usually have to ask rather than her offering. Whatever my mum does is a massive favour and it gets thrown in my face regularly. The food thing is one that bugs me. I know people are all different but my nana and other grandma would make home made cakes etc . My mum actually buys my son microwave meals. It's so insulting .

To be honest the world is different from when I was a girl. My grannys were stereotypical very old
glasses not working. Nowadays you can get a 60 year old with a full time job as a grandmother and 60 seems much younger now than it did and more women work than ever before too! Bear in mind grandfathers were useless even in the old days so this complaint feels more about grandmas but grandmas nowadays are working and younger!

My mother is like this. She's much younger than the average grandparent I think. (She became a nana at 44 though so maybe that's it?) My mum's got four children and couldn't be less maternal if she tried. (Except when there's some sort of crisis, then she turns up and tries to Karen on our behalf.)

My MIL (77) is the textbook grandmother anyone would want for their babies. She's always been invested in them, spending time with them, teaching them things, taking them out etc. She spent her working life as a midwife and health visitor. She has an especially close relationship with my youngest and I love it. It makes me sad that she will most likely be gone before my kids are adults, and they'll be left with my disappointing mother as their sole grandparent.

I don’t know why people aren’t actually reading the original post. It’s not like she’s looking for childcare every day. She just wants grandparents to take an interest that’s hardly unreasonable.

OP if it’s any consolation I’ve just found out my in laws won’t travel half hour to see him on his first birthday cause it interrupts their dinner time 😂😂 absolute arseholes but at the end of the day it’s their loss.

it’s sad cause my family live in another country and would be super involved if it wasn’t for poor health. At the end of the day just gotta do what you have to for the kids ♥️

I’m amazed at how many of you still think you can make people care about anything they don’t actually care about. You can’t. You really can’t. Also, it’s not “their loss” is it? They are getting exactly what they want if they are choosing, and succeeding, in not seeing their grandchildren.

I’m similarly perplexed by the number of posters who see family relationships as transactional e.g. if you look after my kids every week I won’t put you in a nursing home that smells too strongly of wee! Threatening your own parents, who raised you in case you’ve forgotten, with punishments like this is abhorrent. Your parents looked after you when you were young and vulnerable but you are gleefully planning to abandon them if and when they might need you. If being deliberately cruel pleases you maybe that’s not your parents loss either. Maybe you’ve already lost by living your life in such a tit for tat manner?

Threatening or blackmailing your own parents would indeed be horrible but no one has suggested doing this. But, as you state in your first paragraph: 'you can't make people care about anything they don’t actually care about. You can’t. You really can’t. Also, it’s not “their loss” is it?' After decades of neglect and disinterest (and please don't assume everyone has a happy childhood), I imagine that many adult children may simply not care anymore, which, according to you, is perfectly acceptable.

Where did I say that everyone had a happy childhood? You’re projecting I’m afraid.

Also, it makes no sense to say that adult children who no longer care about their parents want these same parents, about whom they no longer care remember, to look after their grandchildren. Either they did have a happy childhood with great, caring parents and they’d like them to look after their grandchildren or they had shitty parents in which case why on earth would they want them anywhere near their grandchildren?

You said this 'Your parents looked after you when you were young and vulnerable' which implies a well cared for and therefore (hopefully) happy childhood.
I am suggesting that a lack of care could occur after decades of neglect/ disinterest, which may have occurred in childhood but may also occur later, such as the poster who was shocked and upset when her parents took no interest in her DC on a family holiday. In any case, this isn't about grandparents feeling obliged to do full time childcare duties, merely expecting them to love and be interested in getting to know their young grandchildren and building a strong relationship. That is a positive thing for all generations imo.

I’ve not read the post you referenced because this is such a big thread but were the grandparents in question good parents? If they were then I’m not sure why they weren’t interested in their grandchildren. I suppose there could be many reasons, including undisclosed or undiagnosed health issues, both mental and physical or perhaps the grandchildren were very badly behaved and screaming and whining all day? Like I said, I’ve read lots of posts but not that one so perhaps it contained more information and, therefore, more clues?

YANBU but it’s pretty common for some and not others. Most of my friends have wonderful grandparents who help them whenever they need it - it’s hard to watch and when they moan that their child comes back grumpy or tired I remind them how incredibly lucky they are. I’m annoying but I just think it’s such a support if the GPs are around and willing to help and a game changer for everything, your children, your relationship, your career. There’s nothing like feeling supported by your family.

I moved very close to my parents so we could mutually help each other, as they got older I wanted to be able to help and also thought they’d like to be close to their Granchildren. My mum looked after my DS once a week for a few hours in the morning from 1 to 2 years once a week while I worked during term time. Just after my 3rd child was born she retired and screamed that I take the p*ss with childcare. I was totally shocked and me and my partner always thanked her when she helped but we couldn’t see the resentment building. Now it’s so painful to live so close and not be able to reach out. This was around 18 months ago and when the mortgage prices go down we’ll be out of here like a shot. We now contain everything we can to ourselves, which has had a huge impact on our jobs and ability to function day to day but we’re just grinding through until our children are older and we can feel less like we’re swimming through treacle. Incidentally our DS’s behaviour really declined after my mum stopped seeing him, it’s difficult to explain to a child why they once had a good relationship with someone and then that ended, but maybe it was behaviour she was finding tricky. You have to respect they are their own people and if looking after your children is a pain to them then it’s fair that they wouldn’t want to do it and they’re not obliged. You just didn’t win the grandparent lottery! Vent over 😅

I think @Mia45 is coming across as someone who has experienced grandparents and extended family from a child's perspective. She speaks well about how it impacted her. She seems to have little awareness of the wider picture and is coming across as naive or socially unaware. I wouldn't say she is toxic, just misinformed.

I've really been struggling with this this year. Just had our first, in laws are perfect and besotted, couldn't be better, my parents and sibling really not interested at all. We have never requested childcare from them, wouldn't dare, but even when they visit they'll do anything to get out of time with our 1 year old, (including putting him in serious danger a couple times lying to us), and mother and sibling treat my wife like she's an expendable non-entity (due to a significant cultural difference). I don't need their involvement if they're not interested, I'm very, very sad about that but it's their choice not mine. But they consider themselves devoted model family, and tell family and friends we don't give them a chance to see him, and how hard done by they are, and we get choruses of attacks whenever we can get them on the phone, which our son sort of understands. My aunt's and uncles all think we're awful, their choice. But we'll spend a couple days getting a visit together, and they won't even cross the room to see him once in the whole day, preferring to chat over him with me about their latest pet peeve while my wife and I look after them and our son, then they'll disappear to the beach for the rest of the day. (we do live near a very nice beach, but I'd rather they just went to the beach than pretend it's to see our son. In fact I'd happily have them over as part of a beach trip, just don't pretend it's some extraordinarily devoted doting we should be grateful for). My father was angry and violent and never gave a damn, left very early on, didn't expect him to care. Mother and sibling disinterest much more surprising and disappointing. Childcare not the target, just some sort of relationship between them. Had my first hard Xmas realising how little they'd bothered (I had explained they needn't feel obliged, but that wouldn't fit their self image, so they bought the first junk to pop up under Amazon, and demanded i wrap it for them on delivery).

Really can't get my head round it. They probably had children later, they might have been the last generation who had children even if they didn't want to? There's also something painful about coming to terms with how much they hated parenting me and sibling (and being reminded how emotionally vicious they were, eg, when they instinctively hit our son for accidentally speaking above a whisper in a quiet restaurant), which has wrecked my ability to enjoy their company. Still really struggling with this.

Did you pay her?