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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

359 replies

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:24

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

OP posts:
Donmeistersleepmachine · 31/12/2023 17:41

I'd quite happily live with all my family under one roof as long as said roof was huge and there was space to get away when needs be. Or if I'm pushing it a large estate where all family members live within but everyone has their own home. I know not everyone has the same experience with parents but I definitely wouldn't be boiling it down to the "capital" that each mother brought. If it was for their last few years on earth and they hadn't been terrible parents, I'd look after them in a heartbeat

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/12/2023 17:42

Definitelyrandom · 31/12/2023 17:30

2 bedroom granny flat at the bottom of the garden and put both of them in it?

And don't forget t light the blue touch paper . . . 😈

Namemchangeforthispostonly101 · 31/12/2023 17:46

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 31/12/2023 17:47

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 15:33

If he can see it but is feeling pressure of family/cultural expectations then you need to have a discussion where the realistic consequences of that decision are openly discussed.

Nope. That discussion should've taken place long before the wedding day.

Show quote history

Well obvs.
But since that ship has sailed it should, if he is reasonable and isn't just dismissive of op's understandable grounds, become apparent to him now, with a thorough open discussion, that it would be a disaster to go ahead with moving in both, or even one mum.

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 17:47

Donmeistersleepmachine · 31/12/2023 17:41

I'd quite happily live with all my family under one roof as long as said roof was huge and there was space to get away when needs be. Or if I'm pushing it a large estate where all family members live within but everyone has their own home. I know not everyone has the same experience with parents but I definitely wouldn't be boiling it down to the "capital" that each mother brought. If it was for their last few years on earth and they hadn't been terrible parents, I'd look after them in a heartbeat

but who can realistically afford that? And if someone isn’t bringing any capital yet are reaping the rewards and expecting others to pay for it, how exactly is that fair?

this sounds exactly like his mum, wanted to chose a house and chose the area that we’d live in with her of course but I’d be footing the bill. So I’d be buying a house (with dh) of someone else’s choosing and in and in an area I don’t like but she’d be happy

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 31/12/2023 17:49

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 17:35

Thing is there’s no way they could be together either… oil and water, they can’t communicate and that’s the least of the problems

plus it’s a larger house and then building that extension which again costs and I feel resentful over that in truth

Show quote history

Well you need to ensure that your DH still agrees that his mum will not move in with you as he agreed when she was being nasty to you. It looks like he has changed his mind so you need to change it back quickly.

Also, I am not sure why you are even considering housing your own mum when she is so awful to you and you don't like her. I wouldn't even help her if she needed it. If she has 2 houses then she can afford to pay for paid help. She made her bed and can lie in it. Don't destroy your life or marriage for her.

Buttons232 · 31/12/2023 17:52

No, this isn’t in anyway inevitable and you all have a choice.

My mum is 77 . I see her everyday , we’re really close. She’s the best person to have around. She’s been the most fantastic grandparent my kids could wish for and I don’t know what I’d do without her. Could I live with her? Could I ! We both know this, especially after staying with her four months while extending my house. A retirement flat around the corner, yes. Visiting her 2 or 3 times a day, fine but living in my house, no way!

Ny advice would be to stick with the 4 bed. No spare bedroom means no option to have visitors or for anyone to be “moved in” in a crisis!

IMustDoMoreExercise · 31/12/2023 17:57

Buttons232 · 31/12/2023 17:52

No, this isn’t in anyway inevitable and you all have a choice.

My mum is 77 . I see her everyday , we’re really close. She’s the best person to have around. She’s been the most fantastic grandparent my kids could wish for and I don’t know what I’d do without her. Could I live with her? Could I ! We both know this, especially after staying with her four months while extending my house. A retirement flat around the corner, yes. Visiting her 2 or 3 times a day, fine but living in my house, no way!

Ny advice would be to stick with the 4 bed. No spare bedroom means no option to have visitors or for anyone to be “moved in” in a crisis!

Exactly don't stretch yourself financially.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/12/2023 17:58

I didn’t like my MIL from the day dot. I’ve always said to my DH that she would never come and live with us and I would never move back to his hometown. They’re dealbreakers for me.

CharlotteRumpling · 31/12/2023 17:59

In S Asian culture elders don't "bring in capital". I am making plans to live with my own mum in 2 or 3 years: I wont be taking a penny. I don't want to live with my MIL but she lives with my SIL which suits her. She doesn't bring capital here.
I doubt you will get any useful suggestions on here as people wont understand the culture. You may have to separate. Don't have a third child!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 31/12/2023 17:59

Say no and keep saying no. I really think you are going to have to be prepared to divorce your husband if he won't let this lie.

My mother wanted me to move back to live near her when she was in her 50s, well before my father died. The problem for me was that it was never overt. I never had the opportunity to say 'no I'm not prepared to live with you or have you move in with me'. It was all hints and sighs and passive-aggressive little comments. To my only sibling it would have been extremely convenient if I had given up my own life to concentrate on my mother, so there was pressure from them as well.

None of them seem to have considered what I wanted from life - except for me.

inamarina · 31/12/2023 18:00

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:26

My MIL didn't speak a word of English and it was way easier for me to learn a bit of her language rather than expecting her to learn mine.

Why?

Was she living in the UK at the time? If so, she should definitely be learning the language.

Show quote history

I agree. I‘ve been an immigrant most of my life, lived in different countries, and I don’t get that attitude that the OP is the one who needs to learn her MIL‘s language and not the other way round, given that they live in the UK.
If I understood her correctly, English is not OP’s first language either.

PringPring · 31/12/2023 18:05

This would be a firm no from me for both mothers.

Have you made it a clear no on both counts. Told him it will not be happening.

Does he truly understand what caring for an elderly infirm relative round the clock entails?! The toiletting issues and clean up, the safety concerns and constant safety vigilence if they get dementia, the added person's laundry cooking and cleaning, etc.

It's hard even if you have a truly lovely relative and a good relationship, it still takes a toll.

Given your MIL is unkind to you, and your mother is how she is, neither of them I'd even take one second considering whether to move them in or not!

2mummies1baby · 31/12/2023 18:07

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:33

You also knew he was from a different culture before you married him so did you not have any conversations about this? The answers from white British people who don’t understand the cultural nuances for looking after our elderly and providing for them won’t be helpful to you

Agreed- I'm amazed you married a South Asian man and didn't think to have a conversation about this beforehand. It's totally normal in South Asian culture to have elderly parents move in with you- I'm white and I know this!

InSpainTheRain · 31/12/2023 18:08

He wants you to do all the slivying work whilst he pockets the money which is sunk into a large property would be my view. I would not have a 3rd child with him either - it sounds like you may have to go it alone if he is that adamant about MIL and Mum moving in.

NaughtybutNice77 · 31/12/2023 18:09

You mentioned language differences so are you and your husband from different cultures? If so I'm shocked this hasn't been discussed before marriage.
I'd expect in many cultures it's normal to care for elderly parents and have 3 generational homes. Statistically these homes offer the best outcome for children. Very common in Indian/Pakistani households. African and Caribbean families often have 'extra' cousins/grandchildren, a Thai wife would expect her husband to send money 'home' etc. So I'm surprised you're surprised.
Thing is, you're married now. You don't have to accept this but it could cost your marriage. I'd hold off with another child until you're sure what you want and what's expected.

Brexile · 31/12/2023 18:12

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 15:27

Don't have a third child, divorce him and let him live with his mother.

Wtf.

This! Speaking as someone who is also the scapegoat child and has an ex MIL who doesn't speak the same language.

Your DM has forfeited any obligations you might have had towards her, and DMIL is your DH's problem.

WTF indeed.

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 18:14

Lookingatthesunset · 31/12/2023 16:43

The OP is clearly not Asian.

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OP’s husband and mother is

Staniam · 31/12/2023 18:16

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:31

Even in old age, both our families that is the norm, but I’ve seen the strain it puts on the family and the resentment that builds,

visits I have no issue with and a bigger house for a spare room, no problem but living full time… hells no

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That's because there are still cultures where it's assumed that women have no right to a life outside caring.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/12/2023 18:16

Not remotely normal.

I'd counter that with "Good luck to you then because if they move in, I'm moving out and that will be the end of us".

Make sure you have all your paperwork in order because if he's the sort to come out with such a statement, he's probably the sort who will actually move one or both of them in without a second thought for you.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 31/12/2023 18:21

The crux if this seems to be that MIL and DM are or have been quite horrible OP.

If my DM was like yours (actually, my DM is lovely, and I still wouldn't want her to move in with me, and neither would she!) and DP said that to me I'd probably say 'Are you fucking nuts?! Why the hell would I ever want my DM to live with me?! Of course she's never going to live with us, don't be ridiculous!'

I'd also be hard pushed not to point out (possibly to her face...) that if his DM had a game plan of moving in with you, perhaps she should have thought of that before being so rude and unpleasant.

You can tell him you're returning the level of care and love they've both shown you when you needed it - none. After all, you reap what you sow.

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 18:23

Staniam · 31/12/2023 18:16

That's because there are still cultures where it's assumed that women have no right to a life outside caring.

Show quote history

sons and daughters are expected, it’s actually traditional for the sons to provide

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 18:23

2mummies1baby · 31/12/2023 18:07

Agreed- I'm amazed you married a South Asian man and didn't think to have a conversation about this beforehand. It's totally normal in South Asian culture to have elderly parents move in with you- I'm white and I know this!

Show quote history

Please read the updates we’ve had this conversation prior to marriage and then after

OP posts:
CharlotteRumpling · 31/12/2023 18:23

Posters dont seem to realise that OPs DH is being kind by offering to move her mum in..He is not fucking nuts.

newyearsettings · 31/12/2023 18:24

How imminent is this idea? If MIL is only just 60 then she's not elderly. Is she dropping hints about moving in? Are there other relatives she could move in with or does it have to be her son?

I guess your DH is preparing the ground and will try to wear you down into accepting it so be clear and firm now. He may be breaking cultural expectations in some areas of his life but you're about to have to deal with one he's still keen on.