‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

[Wigglytuff123]

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

Imagine not knowing that you are legally responsible for your own children, and here's more exclamation marks !!!!!!

The ‘but who will look after you when you’re old’ argument for having children really doesn’t fly anymore does it? 😂

So MIL mum is in home country but how it works in their culture is when you marry you in essence leave the family so you’re almost no longer their daughter so it wouldnt be an expectation on her but she did live With her in laws back home but then left to come to the UK

but both my grandparents lived with my mother, paternal until a serious stroke rendered home care no longer possible and maternal did for ‘ease’ because she lived 45 mins away and the driving there and back 3/4 times a week got too much. But I saw the resentment buil and build, they were very close and it destroyed the relationship.

both of our mothers are in pretty good health. Mine works 25 hrs a week still but she is a bit lonely as sibling who used to live close has cut her off l

I completely agree, he can't just dictate what's going to happen without any reference to the OP's needs and preferences. If this is actually what he intended with this comment, he is clearly BU. However, I'm wondering if he has just taken it as a given that this is what will eventually happen, based on his own cultural assumptions and his understanding of the OP's culture, in which living with elder relatives is also the norm. Perhaps he hasn't fully understood that this isn't how the OP sees the future panning out, and he is simply saying that she needs to accept what he assumes is the inevitable?

As I said above, discussion, negotiation and compromise are the way forward here, with the cultural norms of both parties being respected and taken into account. Neither the OP nor her DH should get to lay down the law about how things will be... this is supposed to be an equal partnership so they need to work together for a mutually acceptable solution.

THIS. ⬆

Or you could ask him where he learned his stand-up routine.

Even when children and parents get on well, and adore each other, actually living together can be difficult. Where there is history of abuse/ other difficulties, or language problems - especially if both of them move in and they are on the alert for favouritism - will be a nightmare.

Just refuse outright.

Not sure which parents are not being responsible for their children, but cool story bro.

Also marrying in to a South Asian culture myself when I’m not from there and my partner and I have just been having this conversation. I’m really shocked by how extreme some of these comments are. I absolutely expect that parents would move in if needed, whether that be because their health deteriorates or they end up being alone.

Family is at the heart of his culture so I can completely appreciate why your husband would want both yours and his mothers to live with you as they get older, even if both are hard work. It feels to me like you need to have a conversation about how you get past this, maybe a garden room or a house next door, as opposed to you all being under one roof? I hope you can work through this together.

Dear God in heaven, no! Neither of them. It would be a recipe for disaster.

This. ⬆️
I cannot believe what I am reading. 😲

Refuse to move. Simple.

I love my MIL, she is great, 4 nights with us and I'm desperate for her to leave (tbf I'm absolutely sure the feeling is mutual!), the idea of her moving in is horrific and I genuinely love her, say 'no'...... it will destroy you (and it will be you, your husband will just jog along as normal!)

But here’s the thing with his mum, that would mean us buying a second house for her, and we simply cannot afford 2 homes.

originally I was of the same opinion as you, because I’d never inflict lonliness on anyone but and it’s a big but, that’s in a completely hypothetical situation in reality his mum and his extended family hasn’t been very pleasant to me in the past and even more recently she’s hyper critical about my parenting, and will go around the house picking up specks off the floor and then collate them to show me and tell other people, I’ve caught her snooping in our bedroom and lots of derogatory comments to extended family about my house

If having your parents move in is a thing in your culture and a thing in his culture... I just don't understand how you got married without agreeing you weren't prepared to do this for any parents. It seems like a fundamental irreconcilable difference like wanting to have children or not.

Would it be possible to have the parents living near you? And if so, would you be prepared to visit and provide care? Actually... would he? Or is he also expecting both mums to move in and when they get older/sick, is he expecting you to then do the womanwork?

If he doesn't intend to actually look after his mum when she eventually needs the help, I think that's the bigger issue that having her live in your house or near your house. Worth understanding his expectations on that point too.

I think that no matter how much you feel that DH understands your position, you cannot stop him from moving either of your mother's into your home. All you can do is make it clear to him what you will do if he does. Are you willing to make the statement "No, end of discussion. And if you do this over my objections our marriage will be over"? Because the way he keeps pushing at you about it shows me that he thinks he'll get his own way eventually.

At this point I think you need to (quietly and to yourself) decide what you will and will not do for either of your mothers as their health and ability to care for themselves declines. Once you've figured that all out, then there needs to be 'a conversation' with your DH and with your mother. It will be up to DH to decide what HE is willing to do for his mum and have that conversation with her.

I was lucky in that my mother was one who felt she 'never wanted to be a burden' and so made provisions for her old age and when the time came she went into a lovely care home. My MiL suffered a rapid decline in health so we never would have been able to have her live with us, even if she had wanted to.

But in both instances, and when my dad was dying, there was a bit of an 'in between period' where DH and I had to be part of looking after our parent in their own home. We agreed between us that we would 'keep the home fires burning' for the one who was caring and never complain about time away from home, but give each other the freedom to do what we felt we needed to do. So yes, at one point one of us was carrying the whole load at home, but we knew that when our time came, the other would do the same.

2 bedroom granny flat at the bottom of the garden and put both of them in it?

it was discussed originally i was ok her living with us if health necessitated it but her behaviour towards me made this a no go. Which he knows and I told him because her attitude was pushing to the brink

his mother already lives close.

mine 3 hrs away, and she has friends where she is and 2 properties both of which she’d need to sort and sell first and that’s another responsibility I’m not prepared to take on

he said he’d care for her and I’ve said I’d help here and there but the bulk would be for him, likewise with my mum and he’d help me here and there. But he’s never lived this or witnessed it and I think he’s underestimating how hard it is. Especially holiday wise, we can’t even tell his mum if we go on holiday now because she throws a tantrum

Neither has to live with you, my mum is 87 and lives two streets away independently. I take her to all her appointments, to the supermarket, for trips away, speak to her every day and see her 4-5 times a week. I’m a five minute walk if she’s needed me in the night for anything. If she’s unwell I’ll take her washing, bring her food, change her bedding, give her medication.

She needs a stick outside the house and her hearing is poor and visibility not as good as it was but she would far rather be in her own home than mine, and vice versa.

if she’d moved in here at 62 she would have been here 25 years now! It doesn’t have to be a care home, neglected and alone or move in for decades.

They could move in and you could move out. Put that to him.

Thing is there’s no way they could be together either… oil and water, they can’t communicate and that’s the least of the problems

plus it’s a larger house and then building that extension which again costs and I feel resentful over that in truth

I think this is a key point too, plus my own grandmother rapidly deteriorated moving in, not having to do anything for herself meant her health went down his rapidly

This

My mum is same as yours... narcissistic, misogynistic, cruel, etc.
I would never have her staying with me. Been burnt by that before and my decline in my mental health. I was so poorly with her. It's a no OP

‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

Well actually, no, you don't need to accept anything of the sort. For starters, he has no say over the destiny of YOUR mother. None. If you don't want to house her, there's an end to it.

As for his mother, you BOTH get a say in it. And my say would be 'if you move her in, I will be moving out'. Make it crystal clear to him that as things stand, you do NOT accept it. And for things to change, SHE has to start playing nice.

I don't give a fuck about cultural expectations. I think you need to learn not to, too.

It sounds as if living with either (or both) mums is a dealbreaker for you.

Would you be prepared to move out over this? Is that something you've discussed with him?

What if it's a dealbreaker for him if they don't move in? Would you be prepared for him to leave you?

You both clearly have very strong feelings over the topic, and I think it's important for both of you to understand just where the line is drawn. And to ascertain whether winning on this issue is more important than staying married, living together and raising your DC together under the same roof.

Someone is going to have to move on this. The answer, of course, might be someone moving out... I hope it doesn't come to that though, and you can find a way forward that doesn't leave both of you angry and resentful.

Why would they need to? My grandmother lived independently until she died. Not every elderly person ends up needing care.

Me too. I wouldn't be dictated to in that fashion.😬