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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 14:00

Tell him you’ll get it for 1 and then actually get it for 1.30? We always tell BIL an earlier time for anything we plan as he is always late.

Sparklfairy · 31/12/2023 14:00

I came up with this strategy because DM was always late for everything. I'd come by train (2.5hrs away to visit) and the train station was an hours walk from her house, no buses, never any taxis without waiting around for up to an hour. She would insist on picking me up and let her know when I was 20 mins away from the station.

Every single time she wouldn't be there when the train pulled in, so I'd start walking.

I'd get halfway to her house (to the top of a very steep hill) before we would meet each other.

So I started texting her 'I'm 20 mins away' about half an hour early, and she would be there (or almost there) when the train pulled in Grin

Can you do this to DH? Say 'Roast will be ready at 1pm' and start cooking an hour later? Wink What would he say if he walked in and it wasn't ready? Grin

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 31/12/2023 14:01

We take turns cooking Sunday dinners. It's always earlier when I do it because it takes ages, so I like to get out of the way and enjoy the rest of the day. I would be thoroughly pissed off if my husband constantly just rocked up an hour late and expected me to have waited for him.

I think most of the responses supporting the OP's husband are about the early 1pm start time rather than his rudeness. I suspect she would be getting different responses if she was serving Sunday dinner at 2 rather than 1.

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 14:01

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

Ok so your DH is being a tosspot for insisting on 1pm but then always being late. But I think you need to take the bull by the horns and change it.
You say he's always late. So what time does he get back for? Whatever time that is, you plan to serve up about 10mins later.
Or continue arguing about it.

margotrose · 31/12/2023 14:02

Even if he asks for it at 1pm, you know he's not going to make it back on time so why do you keep making it for 1pm?

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

OP posts:
KingofCats · 31/12/2023 14:02

He is being rude. Ask him to confirm what time he will be home for and confirm that’s the time food will be ready for, you won’t be waiting past that

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2023 14:02

Oh op I sort of feel your pain. We have been married for 32 years. Even before we got married I realised that if I needed DH for 2pm, I had to tell him 1.15 or 1.30pm. Funny how this casuality with time doesn't affect him regarding work!

Silverbirchtwo · 31/12/2023 14:03

Aim dinner for an hour after he's due home. Doesn't he want to come in and chat, have a drink, while you (and he) finish off cooking and dish up. Do you expect him to come in and sit at the table immediately, my MIL used to do that it always felt like you were late.

Or get everything prepped and only start cooking when he comes in, most roasts don't take that long. You can chat and cook.

margotrose · 31/12/2023 14:03

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

So tell him you'll cook it for one but cook it for 2pm instead.

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:04

I would start making it for 1:30.

If he’s not back then eat without him.

If he complains, tell him he’s 30mins late.

You shouldn’t have to wait to eat, just because he’s late.

You have your own life too, your job isn’t waiting around for him.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:04

Or you could join him at the golf club for a drink and then go out for lunch

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 14:05

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

Just stop doing it.

It's too much hassle. Tell him to sort his own lunch on Sundays and you'll do the same.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 31/12/2023 14:05

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:57

Oh of course - silly me. We would all instantly know who this man is, out of the thousands of men who play golf every week!

Show quote history

I'm betting cycling

eatreadsleeprepeat · 31/12/2023 14:05

Compromise, you put it back a bit and he comes home in time. I wouldn’t put it back to the evening as one of the joys of Sunday lunch is that I can relax knowing cooking is out of the way.

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:05

If I told him 1.00 but made it for 2.00, the following week he'd aim for 2 and be late for that.

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 14:05

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:04

Or you could join him at the golf club for a drink and then go out for lunch

An excellent suggestion

poetryandwine · 31/12/2023 14:05

I understand that he doesn’t want the meal to be organised for later, OP. I am saying that he has lost the right to decide, through his behaviour. You are entitled to say that unless he will be home and ready to eat at 1 pm next week, the roast will be ready at X pm so that the two of you can have a nice meal together

LittleBearPad · 31/12/2023 14:06

It’s all so pass ag! Is this really how you want to spend your life?

Cook it for 1.30 - don’t tell him. Or cook it for 6pm

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/12/2023 14:06

YANBU

poetryandwine · 31/12/2023 14:06

PS Unless he can come up with a better solution

GrumpyPanda · 31/12/2023 14:06

Craftycorvid · 31/12/2023 13:51

So, this isn’t really about mealtimes; it’s about feeling that you aren’t a priority for your partner. Whatever time you set for lunch, he’d ignore it and expect you to just sit and wait. Is he like this in other ways? I can see not shifting the time of lunch is essentially saying to him ‘just once, can you get it right for me?’ And he keeps letting you down. The way you show anger and disappointment is by leaving him to eat alone. If he would accept there is a problem, then maybe you could see a relationship counsellor to look at the feelings beneath the lunch issue?

Or maybe OP just doesn't want a cold dinner.

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:06

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:04

I would start making it for 1:30.

If he’s not back then eat without him.

If he complains, tell him he’s 30mins late.

You shouldn’t have to wait to eat, just because he’s late.

You have your own life too, your job isn’t waiting around for him.

Exactly! I have no issue with what he does, but I want my roast fresh and not reheated at a random time!

OP posts:
Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:07

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:02

The issue is he can't leave the golf club on time. So even if I did it later - and I reiterate, he asks for it at 1 - he would still struggle to say his goodbyes and leave on time. So I don't have a problem with him doing that and reheating his, I just don't see why I shouldn't enjoy mine whilst it's hot and fresh, when it's him that's broken the agreement.

Surely the right time is when he’s finished his game and finished chatting?

If he regularly doesn’t make it for 1pm, then 1pm is too early so cook it in the evening.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2023 14:07

"He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late."

Nope, he agreed a time, you're willing to make it later but he said 1pm is fine. I would do as you are doing and eat my lunch when it's at its best.

You're a lot nicer than me, OP. If he does this regularly, he could whistle Dixie for me making him a nice roast lunch at all. I'm a firm believer in consequences, and I don't see any in play here for his lax attitude to turning up when he says he will. Quite the opposite, since he accuses you of rudeness. The fact that he "thinks I'm being rude by starting without him" would have inevitably led me to not making anything for him. He could make himself a sandwich.