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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 14:07

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:05

If I told him 1.00 but made it for 2.00, the following week he'd aim for 2 and be late for that.

Then stop making him a roast dinner.

margotrose · 31/12/2023 14:07

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:05

If I told him 1.00 but made it for 2.00, the following week he'd aim for 2 and be late for that.

So don't make it at all 🤷‍♀️

Tell him that as he can't be bothered to get home on time, you can't be bothered to cook for him.

Honestly, this all seems like so much drama over absolutely nothing.

Vitriolinsanity · 31/12/2023 14:07

I literally could not be giving this "problem" headspace. Just make the sodding dinner for 2pm. Find another hill to die on.

Jane0Jane · 31/12/2023 14:07

Cook it for 3pm and tell him half 2.
What a fuss over nothing.
Some people are a bit time blind, don't think they are late until the actual time arrives and don't factor in travel. If you know that's him then just tell him a bit earlier.

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:08

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:05

If I told him 1.00 but made it for 2.00, the following week he'd aim for 2 and be late for that.

If he’s late, he’s late.

It’s not your problem.

If he cares so much about eating together then he’ll make sure to be on time in future.

As he isn’t on time then he’s obviously not that bothered.

Eat yours then go out before he gets back, he needs to start realising you have a life of your own too.

ohdamnitjanet · 31/12/2023 14:09

Couldn’t possibly eat a roast at lunchtime anyway, far too early! But you’re right, he’s rude. Microwaved roasts aren’t that great so his loss.

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 14:09

If my partner expected me to have the same meal at exactly the same time every single week for 30 years, I think I’d probably be dead inside by this point

chaosmaker · 31/12/2023 14:10

@Rachellllleeee I'd do it for later and then when he comes back for (whatever his version is of 1pm that week) - tell him it's not ready until 3 or something. He can't complain really as then you'll be eating it fresh together and you're just using his time scheme instead.

Mikimoto · 31/12/2023 14:10

Have the roast at 3pm?
Have sandwiches on Sundays?
Go to where he socialises and tip a tray of lard on top of his head?

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:12

Jane0Jane · 31/12/2023 14:07

Cook it for 3pm and tell him half 2.
What a fuss over nothing.
Some people are a bit time blind, don't think they are late until the actual time arrives and don't factor in travel. If you know that's him then just tell him a bit earlier.

What if OP has a hobby herself or wants to go for a walk after lunch?

Why should her day be messed up just because he doesn’t want to eat alone and can’t be bothered to get home on time.

Clutterbugsmum · 31/12/2023 14:13

I'd make it very clear to him that if HE want a fresh roast dinner then HE needs to be back at 1 as HE said HE would be.

Personally I would stop doing a roast on a golf day and do something that it doesn't matter that he turns up late.

HE needs to turn up when HE's requested dinner for or live with reheating it and eating alone.

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:13

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 14:09

If my partner expected me to have the same meal at exactly the same time every single week for 30 years, I think I’d probably be dead inside by this point

He’s asking for it to be ready at 1, which is what she’s doing.

He just wants her to wait until he’s home to eat together when he’s late.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 31/12/2023 14:13

Tell him he's in charge of cooking on Sundays from now on.

TommyNever · 31/12/2023 14:13

You're not being unreasonable. Eat your dinner when it's ready, no need to let his absence spoil it.

It's not against the law for married couple to eat at different times.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2023 14:14

Amazed at the people bending over backwards to make this the OPs fault. How awful for him to get a home cooked roast every Sunday? Poor husband? Move the time around. Lie to him. Do behave!

He wants his dinner as soon as he decides to get home and he wants the OP to sit and wait for him. No chance. He knows the time. He refuses a later time. He thinks the OP should wait until he graces her with his presence. He can fuck right off. Eat yours when it is ready. He either reheats his when he bothers to turn up or stop cooking for him the ungrateful sod.

CaptainClover · 31/12/2023 14:14

Just don't bother??
Or if you really love the cooking and the eating of the meal yourself, just do it to suit you and forget him.
Don't even mention it to him again and plan your Sunday round yourself.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 31/12/2023 14:14

I feel like you're being absolutely reasonable here. You'd even be reasonable to be pissed that he's not home in time for the two of you to enjoy the food together, as long as that's his wish, too. You're offering him a lot of flexibility along with a nice meal, so I think he is massively unreasonable to expect you to just wait around and eat your food reheated whenever it suits him. If my DP acted like that, I'd feel like he was indirectly telling me that his time and priorities mattered more than mine, even when I was the one making and extra effort. I wouldn't tolerate that at all. Enjoy your food, and tell him that he needs to be on time if he wants you to eat together.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/12/2023 14:14

Take a lover!

Nannyfannybanny · 31/12/2023 14:15

Time blind,as some other posters have said "mid day is lunchtime", it's not "dinner time". This is the SE UK, I gather folk further north, have "tea".
When we were kids,main meal was lunchtime, tea was sandwiches and cake, late afternoon.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/12/2023 14:15

Topofthemountain · 31/12/2023 13:24

I think 2024 might be the year to eat at a slightly different time. Go for it.

You and your radical sensible notions.

milveycrohn · 31/12/2023 14:15

Initially I thought the OP was being totally inflexible, but later (as I read your later posts), see it is a problem with your DH time keeping.
My DH is similar. I always tell him half an hour or sometimes an hour earlier than the real time (even my DP - when alive knew to state an earlier time), so agree on 1.00 pm, but instead have dinner ready by 2.00 pm.
Or change dinner to the evening, or stop doing roasts.
Definitely eat yours when its ready. I NEVER wait for for DH.

rookiemere · 31/12/2023 14:15

YANBU OP.
But why not try it at 1.30pm for January.
If he turns up on time - great everyone is happy. If he doesn't go back to 1pm and eat without him.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 31/12/2023 14:15

How often does he cook for you and what would he say if you turned up late for the meal?

JadziaD · 31/12/2023 14:15

Unfortunately, your OP was badly worded and it read like you were inflexible on the timing.

Based on what you are saying subsequently, YANBU. It is completely rude of him to be late for a roast dinner that has been agreed to be ready at a set time and for which you have prepared accordingly. I absolutely would eat when it was ready and he would have his when he came in. Not just because I'd want it fresh, but also because if I know we're eating a roast at 13:0, I'd be planning the rest of my day accordingly in terms of food etc. eg, a 13:00 means I'm having a very light breakfast as I tend to sleep in. A 14:30 roast dinner would mean a slightly more substantial breakfast.

Whiskerson · 31/12/2023 14:15

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 31/12/2023 14:14

Take a lover!

This needs to be the new LTB. If MN was around in the 1950s, I like to think we'd all be crying out "TAL!".