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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:49

I'd have no problem with preparing it whilst he's out and cooking it later. But he says he wants it at 1.00, when he gets back from his activity. And is then late. So to me, I'm not the rude one for eating while it's hot.

OP posts:
MyFirstLittlePony · 31/12/2023 13:50

To me this whole set up sound's claustrophobic 😬

Not relaxed for anyone

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 13:50

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:49

I'd have no problem with preparing it whilst he's out and cooking it later. But he says he wants it at 1.00, when he gets back from his activity. And is then late. So to me, I'm not the rude one for eating while it's hot.

So what time does he usually get home?

milesmachine · 31/12/2023 13:50

YANBU OP

Whatever the time is: 1pm, 2pm, 3pm. If he's late then it's rude of him to expect you to let your hard work go cold and wait for him. You seem relaxed that he can reheat his and you don't seem to mind so I think he's being incredibly rude by insisting this of you

Whiskerson · 31/12/2023 13:51

You're in the right. If he wanted it to be later, he could tell you so. Instead, he prances off agreeing to be back for 1pm, then stands you up. Damn right you should eat it hot! And he should grow a pair.

P.S. why not invite guests round for the dinner now and then, then at least you'd have guaranteed appreciative company!

BliainNua · 31/12/2023 13:51

I couldn't live with that level of rigidity, same dinner at the same time every Sunday.

But to solve your problem, tell him to be home for 1pm but don't have dinner ready until 2pm, or even god forbid 5pm.

Craftycorvid · 31/12/2023 13:51

So, this isn’t really about mealtimes; it’s about feeling that you aren’t a priority for your partner. Whatever time you set for lunch, he’d ignore it and expect you to just sit and wait. Is he like this in other ways? I can see not shifting the time of lunch is essentially saying to him ‘just once, can you get it right for me?’ And he keeps letting you down. The way you show anger and disappointment is by leaving him to eat alone. If he would accept there is a problem, then maybe you could see a relationship counsellor to look at the feelings beneath the lunch issue?

RowanMayfair · 31/12/2023 13:52

Ugh
sounds awful. Why don't you have roast dinner in the evening and do your own thing for lunch? I just can't fathom any of this. Him being late, you starting without him, arguing about it...it's not working, do something different!

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:53

Why do people on here always say ‘activity’ like he’s doing something clandestine? If he’s playing golf then say he’s playing golf (and then having a drink in the clubhouse, which is why he’s late home)

I get that it’s annoying but if he’s always just a bit late then I would just delay things till he gets home. If he complains he has to wait then tough.

Ponderingwindow · 31/12/2023 13:54

If the time is mutually agreed and he is late, then I absolutely would proceed without him.
if he misses enough starts, consider just cooking for one instead.

Delassalle · 31/12/2023 13:54

How utterly joyless.

Decide a reasonable time when he has to be back for and make dinner for then.

2.00 - 2.30om seems a good idea.

I can't imagine being so petty about not wanting to cook it just an hour later.

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 13:54

OP obviously he’s being rude to ask for lunch at 1pm and then be late. No one is disputing that he’s wrong and you’re right. But after 30 years he’s unlikely to change. So rather than having the “you’re rude” conversation 52 times a year, why not take action?

  1. accept his poor time keeping and cook the meal half an hour later than he’s expecting, or
  2. stop cooking the roast dinner.
poetryandwine · 31/12/2023 13:54

I think your DH has forfeit your goodwill by now, OP. I agree that if you set the meal for a different time he would likely still be late. Adjusting the timings without his knowledge seems silly to me.

But if you like each other, eating separately seems sad. Why not have your roast dinner in the evening? Explain that you cannot think of a better solution, but he is welcome to come up with one.

quisensoucie · 31/12/2023 13:55

I can see an episode of Father Brown unfurling before my eyes
Check the horseradish sauce, Father...

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 13:56

Sounds like he's having fun and loses track of time. Which for just eating lunch is fine.

Would strongly suggest getting out of this claustrophobic routine and not having a fixed lunch every single week

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 13:56

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:53

Why do people on here always say ‘activity’ like he’s doing something clandestine? If he’s playing golf then say he’s playing golf (and then having a drink in the clubhouse, which is why he’s late home)

I get that it’s annoying but if he’s always just a bit late then I would just delay things till he gets home. If he complains he has to wait then tough.

Yeah but if OP said golf it would be outing 😂

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:57

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 13:56

Yeah but if OP said golf it would be outing 😂

Show quote history

Oh of course - silly me. We would all instantly know who this man is, out of the thousands of men who play golf every week!

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

OP posts:
milesmachine · 31/12/2023 13:57

Delassalle · 31/12/2023 13:54

How utterly joyless.

Decide a reasonable time when he has to be back for and make dinner for then.

2.00 - 2.30om seems a good idea.

I can't imagine being so petty about not wanting to cook it just an hour later.

OP has said several times that she is not dictating 1pm, he is asking for it. She often suggests a later time and he says he'll be back in time and then is late. She has said if she moves it later, he is still late

The issue isn't when she is preparing it, it's that he is late and insists she shouldn't eat it until he is home (when it is cold) and then needs reheating in the microwave, which ruins the meal for her

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:59

Exactly @milesmachine thank you!

OP posts:
Lucytheloose · 31/12/2023 13:59

Why can't you have lunch at 2pm, will the world explode or something?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 13:59

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:57

Thank you to those that have said IANBU.

To those that think I am - to reiterate - he asks for the roast to be ready for 1.00. He does not want it later, at 2 or in the evening. I have offered.

But then he's not home for 1. So I'm happy for him to eat it when he gets home, I really don't have a problem with that. But I'm not going to let mine go cold.

I'd just stop doing it. Make lunch for yourself.

Luxell934 · 31/12/2023 13:59

How late is he?

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:00

It just sounds like some long-married couple’s passive aggressive game. Who do you think gets most out of the shenanigans?

(Who the hell could be arsed to spend 2 hours cooking every Sunday tho particularly as he’s always late).

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:00

But she knows that he's not going to be back for 1pm.

Either because he's crap with timekeeping or the golf genuinely takes longer than expected.

So just say to him
You are never back for 1pm

So I will cook for 3pm

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