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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PuffyShirt · 31/12/2023 13:39

My husband would hate to think he was expected to watch the clock to get back for a meal the second he walked through the door. (Not that I ever cook him a meal, but that’s beside the point.)

Quartz2208 · 31/12/2023 13:39

But the Ozp has said even if they do change it he would still be late which is the real issue
and why should she eat at 3pm to accommodate him

compromise on 1:30 and if still late eat without him

TammyJones · 31/12/2023 13:39

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:37

I think most people are missing the point here.

He agrees to be back for dinner at 1.00. If he said, "can we make it later?". I'd say "yes no problem" and do it for later. But he doesn't, and is then late. I've even said, "shall I do it for later?", and he said "no, 1.00 is fine".

But it's not fine is it?

It's always late.

How you tried asking him why?

JockTamsonsBairns · 31/12/2023 13:39

Next Sunday, surprise him with a plate of noodles on toast.

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:40

LoobyDop · 31/12/2023 13:38

People aren’t listening- OP has said that if she moved the time back, her husband would take it as a signal to be even later. So the problem is not that lunch is too early, the problem is that he doesn’t appreciate the time she’s spending cooking, and can’t be arsed turning up at home for it. OP, unfortunately I think that means you either continue doing the roast because you like it, and give up on expecting his company, or give up doing it.

I can’t fucking stand people who are disrespectful to the person putting food on the table.

Thank you LoobyDop. I like doing it. I don't mind him reheating it - but I'm not reheating mine when he doesn't turn up at the time he said he would!

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 31/12/2023 13:40

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:27

No, I don't have to do a dinner, we both just like it once a week and I have the opportunity whilst he's out at his activity. It just annoys me that he agrees a time to be back and then doesn't stick to it. If we said 1.30 he'd see it as a pass until 2...

I’d compromise by on 1.30 but he has to be back. I’d start eating at 1.30. I’m one who was subject to late lunches in childhood due to DF at the pub and I won’t tolerate it. I’m happy to eat in the evening but if it’s a cooked lunch it’s no later than 1.30.

WaltzingWaters · 31/12/2023 13:41

Do dinner for 2 to allow DH time to socialise and ensure you can eat the roast freshly cooked together. If it were a one off special occasion and he was late I’d be pretty annoyed, but on a weekly basis - let him socialise without a huge time pressure.

Rockrobon · 31/12/2023 13:42

I think you should eat it yes if he’s not going to make an effort be home on time.

I however also think you should change your roast time. My parents moved theirs to late afternoon/ early evening, around 5, when this kept happening. It’s nice not to be tied down by a meal every week.

SeaToSki · 31/12/2023 13:42

thats so rude (and entitled). I would be tempted to agree on 1pm, then go out for a nice lunch on your own and leave a note asking him to start cooking when he bothers to walk through the door. He can cook you a nice roast dinner instead that day

LuluBlakey1 · 31/12/2023 13:42

Well tell him it's 1pm but aim for it to be ready about 1.15-1.30.

Speedygonzales78 · 31/12/2023 13:43

Either cook it a bit later or stop altogether 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:43

He says he struggles to leave.

To be honest I don't mind what time he stays till - I absolutely would be fine with him staying all afternoon if he wanted, and I've said that, but I don't agree with him that I'm being rude eating mine at the agreed time.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 31/12/2023 13:43

Or would whatever time you said just get pushed back by him?

FloofCloud · 31/12/2023 13:43

Tell him 1pm and serve at 1:30

jannier · 31/12/2023 13:44

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:27

No, I don't have to do a dinner, we both just like it once a week and I have the opportunity whilst he's out at his activity. It just annoys me that he agrees a time to be back and then doesn't stick to it. If we said 1.30 he'd see it as a pass until 2...

But it doesn't take much prep I'd peel and par boil go out or have a relaxing read while meat rests bung veg and spuds in when he's home and meat rests for the hour it's ment to....or get an air fryer and do it all in 50 mins

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 13:45

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:43

He says he struggles to leave.

To be honest I don't mind what time he stays till - I absolutely would be fine with him staying all afternoon if he wanted, and I've said that, but I don't agree with him that I'm being rude eating mine at the agreed time.

So if he struggles to leave, you're fine with him staying and he would like you to eat together, make the dinner for later!!!

ActDottie · 31/12/2023 13:45

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 31/12/2023 13:23

Would the world end if it was slightly later to allow him time to socialise?

This. The socialising after a hobby is a really important part. You seem very rigid about it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 13:46

If he agrees to 1 and is then late, he's the rude one. Why should you wait?

You could say 2 but I imagine he would still then be late.

I'd consider making yourself some lunch and tell him to get his own.

jannier · 31/12/2023 13:46

Meet him at the pub for a relaxing Sunday lunch out.

5foot5 · 31/12/2023 13:47

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:37

I think most people are missing the point here.

He agrees to be back for dinner at 1.00. If he said, "can we make it later?". I'd say "yes no problem" and do it for later. But he doesn't, and is then late. I've even said, "shall I do it for later?", and he said "no, 1.00 is fine".

OK thanks for clarifying. I was going to say YABU for insisting on cooking it for a time that doesn't suit and suggest you compromise on a later time that works.

But if, as you say, he would be late at whatever time you agreed then YANBU and he is being rude.

Have you thought of eating in the early evening instead? We do this because we usually like to go out for a good walk on Sundays during the day.

TiaraBoo · 31/12/2023 13:47

He is being rude. If he wants to socialise past 1pm he needs to just say so, not agree to a time he’s then going to not bother to stick to.

Gizlotsmum · 31/12/2023 13:47

If you loved it later would he still be late? I would be tempted to agree a new time but if he is not back in time ( and doesn’t let you know he will be late) I would eat without him.

pettyreason · 31/12/2023 13:48

It's been 30 bloody years! Sounds like you know what to do, give him a time that's 30 minutes earlier than the 'real' time, and you can both eat together.

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 13:49

FloofCloud · 31/12/2023 13:43

Tell him 1pm and serve at 1:30

Exactly.
There you go OP, you’ve had this problem for 30 years and we’ve solved it in 5 minutes.
It’s common practice. I always tell my kids we’re going out 15 minutes earlier than we actually are, to ensure they’re ready.

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 13:49

OP he may say 1pm is fine but it clearly isn't. So be bold and make a unilateral decision to push it back to a time after^^ he usually manages to make it home. If he's still late, that's a different conversation.

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