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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wintery · 31/12/2023 13:29

Why do you cook it for 1 when you know he's not going to be there? Just make it for 1:45 or for dinner (evening) or go bonkers and have it on a Saturday.
Do you begrudge him socialising. Is that the real issue? and this roast lunch thing is just a non-confrontational/ passive aggressive way of approaching it?

DobbyRuth · 31/12/2023 13:29

OP, I’m with you! It’s been agreed as 1pm, it is rude to be late. For goodness sake, OP has been slaving away in the kitchen and her DH is off having a jolly old time with his mates and doesn’t even have the decency to up to his dinner, which he hasn’t lifted a finger for, on time?! I’d be fuming too. I fume every time my own DH magically needs to go to the bathroom the very second I plate up, every day!

PonyPatter44 · 31/12/2023 13:29

Start inviting people round for Sunday lunch - if he turns up "late" to a tableful of people scoffing his roast beef, he'll start being on time in the future (hopefully). Also, Sunday lunch with friends is nice.

Redglitter · 31/12/2023 13:29

Clearly 1pm doesn't work. Surely it makes sense if he's out on a Sunday morning to have it at a time you know he'll be home.

Surely it would be nicer for you both to eat together.

Changing the time you eat seems most sensible

Topofthemountain · 31/12/2023 13:30

I think you need to embrace frozen / ready prepared stuff, make that NY resolution number 2.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 31/12/2023 13:31

Here is an idea, cook it for 2 but don't tell him about the changed time!

Fallenangelofthenorth · 31/12/2023 13:31

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:27

No, I don't have to do a dinner, we both just like it once a week and I have the opportunity whilst he's out at his activity. It just annoys me that he agrees a time to be back and then doesn't stick to it. If we said 1.30 he'd see it as a pass until 2...

Why does he need a pass? Your kids have all grown up so he's not needed to help with the kids. Can't you just do it for 5/6pm then everyone's happy? Or don't do it at all. Seems a bit odd to make a meal for a time you know half the guests won't be there to eat.

Notmetoo · 31/12/2023 13:31

Why don't you have the dinner at 2 instead of 1 or be more flexible depending on what is happening that day
Why does it have to be 1pm every week? Wha would happen if you missed a week or had the roast dinner in the evening or on another day?

Devilsmommy · 31/12/2023 13:31

Nah if he could be back by 1, but chooses not to, then carry on. I wouldn't be warming my dinner up in microwave for anyone when I've gone to all the effort

TheSpruce · 31/12/2023 13:32

From where I'm sitting, it sounds like you resent him doing this activity and the socialising afterwards. So you give him a tight schedule and a punishment if he doesn't stick to it.

Absolutely no reason that you couldn't eat at 2/3/4 PM.

Miyagi99 · 31/12/2023 13:32

Start cooking later.

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 13:32

1pm seems so early for a home Sunday roast and I sounds like that tie really doesn't work anymore. Just push it back to 2-3pm so your DH has time to socialise, you can relax more in the morning and then you can eat together.
In our house it's the one meal that I expect us all to sit down to at the same time / stay at the table till we're all finished!

Thriving30 · 31/12/2023 13:32

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:27

No, I don't have to do a dinner, we both just like it once a week and I have the opportunity whilst he's out at his activity. It just annoys me that he agrees a time to be back and then doesn't stick to it. If we said 1.30 he'd see it as a pass until 2...

I have a relative like this, if we ever have anything planned we tell him to be here half an hour earlier (the time varies each time - but we don't tell him what time it's actually planned for) and he's always on time now!
So, if you want to eat at 2, tell him 1.30. He can then help you set the table etc.

Alargeoneplease89 · 31/12/2023 13:33

Say 1.00pm and serve at 2pm but no you are not rude to eat if he's late. If he then catches on lunch is at 2pm after a few weeks then I would think he's purposely being an idiot.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 13:33

If he's doing an activity why don't you just eat later? 2pm or even have the roast in the evening.

Roundtoedshoes · 31/12/2023 13:33

Yabu. Change it to later. If he misses the new time as well, then stop cooking it. If he moans, then he knows what do. I suspect he’d rather stay out socialising but won’t say.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 13:33

ShirleyPhallus · 31/12/2023 13:26

Sometimes I think other peoples relationships are just so weird. Now is one of those times. Poor husband.

This. Just have dinner at 2. Eating without him is really odd.

Createausername1970 · 31/12/2023 13:35

Either do it later or change the day. Just because it's always been that time in the past doesn't mean it has to be that time forever in the future.

Lives and routines evolve.

TammyJones · 31/12/2023 13:35

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:27

No, I don't have to do a dinner, we both just like it once a week and I have the opportunity whilst he's out at his activity. It just annoys me that he agrees a time to be back and then doesn't stick to it. If we said 1.30 he'd see it as a pass until 2...

If that is truly the case, you've got more to worry about than Sunday Lunch......

Being late is seen by many as rude and it's also suggested that persistent lateness is attention seeking.

If you said 1 pm and then prepared it for 1.30, would dh turn up at 1.20 and moan because it had to 10 minutes, and be cross because his lunch was 'late'?

twistandfart · 31/12/2023 13:35

DobbyRuth · 31/12/2023 13:29

OP, I’m with you! It’s been agreed as 1pm, it is rude to be late. For goodness sake, OP has been slaving away in the kitchen and her DH is off having a jolly old time with his mates and doesn’t even have the decency to up to his dinner, which he hasn’t lifted a finger for, on time?! I’d be fuming too. I fume every time my own DH magically needs to go to the bathroom the very second I plate up, every day!

But why can't he have a jolly time with his mates AND be able to sit and eat a roast with his wife? The OP hast said anything about being annoyed that he's not there for the prep / cooking. I really hope he helps to clear up.
1pm clearly no longer works. Why on early wouldn't they change it?

DDivaStar · 31/12/2023 13:36

Do you enjoy eating on your own ? Do you enjoy your husbands company ?

Why not just move it to 2 or later.

Housebuyer37 · 31/12/2023 13:37

God I don't have me bacon butty until 11am 😆

TheOccupier · 31/12/2023 13:37

This is so unreasonable of you. Are you being passive aggressive? Do you not like DH going to this activity?

Original poster
Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:37

I think most people are missing the point here.

He agrees to be back for dinner at 1.00. If he said, "can we make it later?". I'd say "yes no problem" and do it for later. But he doesn't, and is then late. I've even said, "shall I do it for later?", and he said "no, 1.00 is fine".

OP posts:
LoobyDop · 31/12/2023 13:38

People aren’t listening- OP has said that if she moved the time back, her husband would take it as a signal to be even later. So the problem is not that lunch is too early, the problem is that he doesn’t appreciate the time she’s spending cooking, and can’t be arsed turning up at home for it. OP, unfortunately I think that means you either continue doing the roast because you like it, and give up on expecting his company, or give up doing it.

I can’t fucking stand people who are disrespectful to the person putting food on the table.

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