To feel let down by family at Christmas

[Babyandfurbabymum]

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

I don't think everyone is reading all of your posts op.

You had a serious illness needing multiple surgeries. And you had a TIA leaving you unable to drive.

The earliest you could book your car in due to not being able to drive, your recent surgeries and hospital appointments was Saturday 23rd December.

And due to your car not being ready on time you had no way to get to parents for Xmas leaving you with no Xmas plans for you kids.

I'm guessing this was more about your dad not feeling comfortable with coming to pick you up. A lot of elderly peoples worlds became quite small during covid and to have it sprung on him that he would need to do a long trip he hasn't done before probably felt impossible for him.

Why didn't you ring your brother? Are you not close? It's possible he did not get the email in time.

It does sound like your family aren't people you can rely on. Which is really sad. It's rubbish you have had such an awful year and then not been able to give your children the Christmas you wanted.

Why couldn’t her brother pick her up? Or father and brother together?

It is not ‘one of those things’ it was an active decision that was made. Leaving op alone at Christmas, without her mother during a traumatic year. Not kind behaviour..

And you know she did this?

That’s why asked the question in the first place. That fact that someone is meant to do certain things before they drive, doesn’t mean they did.

and driving to the garage doesn’t mean op was in a fit state to drive over an hour. Especially after driving so long.

Unless you are the Op how are you sure she was fine to drive and drive for an hour? Why are you answering in her behalf?

Should all have been sorted in advance. Travel at Xmas is always an issue.

It wasn't reasonable for you to drive. Your dad sounds too old to drive long distance and the problem with your mother makes this worse.

Your brother is the one who should pick up the problem, unless he has a house full of kids as his wife was in Italy. Then again, why email your brother? A call or text in late November should have been better.

All the above said, if my sister gave me a call Xmas eve in your position, I would have been straight over.

So enjoy your time with your son, that should be your focus.

Full of Christmas cheer here aren't we all

Op, if you were my sibling, I would have come to get you. I think some other posters are either being deliberately difficult or have limited social skills. No one would leave their sister in this situation if they could help.

My family would have picked us up or transferred the money for a taxi to the station. No way we would leave family members, especially a grandchild, on their own at Christmas no matter whose fault. Some very mean people on here .

You are becoming tedious. I know this because every insurance company has the same policy. All drivers are instructed to carefully check they can do an emergency stop before they resume driving. There is no reason to imagine op would not have done this, especially as she had a baby in the car.

This is really beside the point! You would think one of them would collect her anyway.

I agree.

Hope you are okay op. There are some horrible posts on here, and you were looking for support. Most of us understand how let down you feel.

Because they didn't have to. They have absolutely no moral obligation to drive 2-3 hours, on a route they don't know, to collect DD who was disaorganised.

You don't think her dad has had an equally tough year? His wife has dementia.

Sadly, OP is a grown up. And that means, if you live somewhere where driving is your only option, then you make sure your car is with the garage before 23rd December.

You're treating the OP like a child which isn't helpful. She's had a tough time, so I haven't apportioned any blame for her disorganisation. That doesn't make it her dad or brothers fault. It's 'one of those things'.

Do you not agree with taking responsibility for yourself?

Agree you have had a really tough year and that your dad's world has probably shrunk.
Try not to take this Chrostmas to heart, hope you get better soon OP.

YABU. You have had more than enough time to get all of that sorted and had you known the car would an issue and not been able to travel earlier in the month then you could have arranged food delivery so you didn’t have to pity yourself with ‘crackers left over from last year’

this is entirely on you OP.

You left it very last minute to change plans and ask for lifts. But it sounds like it couldn't be helped.

However, I know that my Dad would do anything last minute if it meant seeing daughter and grandchild on Christmas Day. Or my sibling. I’m sorry they didn’t prioritise you and your child. I hope you have an easier year next year, it sounds like you’ve had a very difficult year health wise.

I would move hell and earth to pick my children up for Christmas (or any other occasion).
My parents would not have done (we are NC now but they would have never believed I was ill and just assumed I should have got on with it).
It sounds like OP and her father have had a difficult year and OP should have been planning a Christmas at home rather than running herself ragged trying to get to her parents.

I'd make sure you never got invited to my house again if I was your dad
He can't drive easily to you and he's looking after your mum with dementia
You were willing to drive there for a free Christmas lunch but not to spend time with them before this
Shame on you

I completely agree as a mother of two adult dds that personal responsibility is important, but given how seriously ill she has been, kindness would prevail.

It’s not ideal to drive long distance on Christmas Eve, but in our family we prioritise taking care of each other, and would help at a drop of a hat - especially at Christmas - particularly after major surgery.

There is no way we would leave our sister/daughter on her own at Christmas with a baby, not a chance. Poor thing.

Hi! Your summary is the most spot on! And the reason I email is cos he isn't on WhatsApp and my signal is poor in the village re. texting. All my other mates and relatives get email alerts instantly so no probs. Perhaps I could have called him from my landline tho. They were just going out and leaving my mum and I'd offered to sit with my mum and have a 'Girly' type evening with stuff she loves

You sound nice.

No you are tedious. I asked if the Op would have been safe to drive.

You answered, entirely, irrelevantly for her.

You having worked in insurance is entirely irrelevant as well. For 2 reasons. Just because an insurance company says something, doesn’t mean people do it and the vast majority of the time it causes no problem.

Anyone who believes everyone does everything their insurance company is naive at best. Especially, at times near Christmas when they are desperate to get somewhere.

The second reason it’s irrelevant that Op may have been able to do an emergency stop and be completely in the guidelines. But also find a journey of an hour extremely difficult given how poorly she has been. It still may have been unsafe to do so.

You actually have no clue if she was fit to drive. Or if planning a drive like that was sensible.

You sound like you have very unhealthy relationships within your own family. Are you really suggesting that you wouldn't have your own child back in your house because they couldn't get to you for Christmas?

why couldn’t you get a taxi to the station seeing as it was normal rates on December 23rd not as you said before time and a half?

Have you read the OP's posts about how seriously ill she has been?

Shame on you for kicking someone when they're down.

Are you always this pedantic?
You have kind of missed the point of the thread entirely, and are now derailing by banging on about insurance companies.

Yes, YABU.

Are you always this obtuse?

You brought insurance companies up. I asked op if she would have even been fit to drive. You started droning on about insurance, emergency stops and some job where you had a vague connection to insurance companies the said the Op was fit to drive. If anyone is detailing with talk of insurance companies it’s you.

I have read the thread. Have you? Op has been very seriously ill. She hasn’t driven a long distance in at least 9 months and is a week post emergency surgery. And was planning a drive for over an hour with her child in the car.

I think the question of being fit to drive is personally reasonable and not derailing.