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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ExcitingRicotta · 31/12/2023 08:03

I can’t believe the hard time you are getting on here @Babyandfurbabymum, yes in an ideal world you would have booked your MOT earlier but life often doesn’t go to plan and that’s exactly when we need our loved ones to step in and help.
I would be really upset if my family couldn’t carve out a couple of hours to help at such an important time of the year, particularly after such a difficult year. If they really couldn’t drive maybe they should have helped w taxi money.
I also really don’t understand why your dad and brother told you they were seeing each other as an excuse? Surely they could have picked you up together then or one of them could have cared for your mother!
Being together is the most important thing at Christmas, irrelevant of any jovial Christmas Eve activities they might have had planned (what were they doing?!).

YANBU at all and I would definitely be upset too.

Lighrbulbmo · 31/12/2023 08:04

It’s not that bloody far! I’d have done it if the relationship was good. I’d your relationship good?

Yoyoban · 31/12/2023 08:04

This is a difficult one. It sounds like you've had a horrendous year so it's completely understandable you're not on top of things and could really do with a nice Christmas and some extra support.

But it also sounds like your Dad is having a tough time of it, dealing with your Mum's diagnosis is going to be difficult and it sounds like he's generally an anxious driver, so you were probably just asking more than he's capable of - and perhaps he really needs a break too and has been looking forward to the plans with your db.

I did a similar level of driving over the Christmas period - back and forth to visit different people. And on top of a busy, stressful run up to Christmas and all the busyness actually of Christmas socialising etc, was absolutely wiped out after it and I'm probably quite a bit younger than your Dad - and not an anxious driver.

As for your db as others have said either he may not have seen your message - or perhaps he didn't want to let down your dad when your dad really needs a break.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 08:05

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:55

Hi! Your summary is the most spot on! And the reason I email is cos he isn't on WhatsApp and my signal is poor in the village re. texting. All my other mates and relatives get email alerts instantly so no probs. Perhaps I could have called him from my landline tho. They were just going out and leaving my mum and I'd offered to sit with my mum and have a 'Girly' type evening with stuff she loves

I am sorry your family is changing. I imagine due to your mother’s diagnosis, and your father and brother do not have your back. Now you know this op it might be wise to factor this in going forward. Your mother no doubt supported and loved you, maybe guiding the rest of the family to look after each other. I am so sorry she may not be able to do that for much longer or at all now.

I hope you recover your strength, health and independence. Enjoy your little boy. Better times are coming. Focus on your health, and I would keep it at the back of your mind to have a safety net in someone other than df and dh going forward. Plan next Christmas to do something you want to do! Save up for Lapland or Christmas by the sea if you want to. Their behaviour means you are now free to choose, not obliged to be there for them in the future. Best of luck. 💐💐

ExcitingRicotta · 31/12/2023 08:06

Ps. Everyone saying ‘maybe her brother didn’t see the message’, if her brother was with her dad then clearly he knew the situation.

Mikimoto · 31/12/2023 08:09

ExcitingRicotta · 31/12/2023 08:06

Ps. Everyone saying ‘maybe her brother didn’t see the message’, if her brother was with her dad then clearly he knew the situation.

...which in turn would suggest OP has "form" for this kind of thing.

alexisccd · 31/12/2023 08:10

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

stop being an asshole @KateyCuckoo

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 08:11

Mikimoto · 31/12/2023 08:09

...which in turn would suggest OP has "form" for this kind of thing.

Show quote history

Or her brother is an arsehole.

alexisccd · 31/12/2023 08:12

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 07:24

For me it comes down to history and pattern

If you're someone who often is disorganised and expects others to then pick up the slack, no, I wouldn't have come for you
People like that are selfish and drive me mad and I tend to distance myself

If this is very out of character, yes I'd have come for you

Also, bear in mind, the journey would take longer than usual given holiday traffic

did you miss the bit where OP has had a number of surgeries and been of poor health all year?

OP, if i was your friend I'd have driven you. if i was your family member i would never have expected you to drive in the first place

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:13

Thanks. Really appreciate your response. That is exactly how I see the situation and also upset as had plans with my mum and child while dad and brother were out doing 'men' stuff. However, I also respect and take on board the views on here that have been negative too. I appreciate people taking the time to respond and life is a learning curve x

OP posts:
RachelSTG · 31/12/2023 08:15

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 06:38

you did leave it a bit late but they were unkind not to collect you op
how did you celebrate christmas?

It says in op "
I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own. "

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:15

Yeah he was with my dad at the time!!!

OP posts:
Moonwatcher1234 · 31/12/2023 08:19

Can’t believe anyone thinks you’re being unreasonable - if you were my daughter, I would have done everything within my power to have you home after the year you’ve had. Hope you make a full recovery and have a better year ahead.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:20

What did you mean that I have 'form' lol you make me sound like a criminal 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:20

Awe thanks that's so nice x

OP posts:
RachelSTG · 31/12/2023 08:21

@Mumof2teens79 not everyone has a car, I don't and I get shopping delivered.

Guavafish1 · 31/12/2023 08:22

Hopefully next year your more prepared for Christmas.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:22

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 08:22

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 06:35

what kind of a relationship with your brother do you have?

It doesn’t look like they invited you. it looks like you “arranged” to go to your parents

how close are you and how often do you see your parents?

and how close do all this happen before christmas?

You shouldn't have to be "invited" to your parents. Home is the place that when you go there, they have to let you in. My DCs home will always be where I am if they need or want to be with me, even if it's inconvenient or annoying (which it sometimes is - I'm no saint).

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 08:22

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:13

Thanks. Really appreciate your response. That is exactly how I see the situation and also upset as had plans with my mum and child while dad and brother were out doing 'men' stuff. However, I also respect and take on board the views on here that have been negative too. I appreciate people taking the time to respond and life is a learning curve x

Can I ask, why you went to the expense of paying for a mot and service at a mini dealership instead of paying for travel?

Not saying you were right or wrong here.

At any point before Christmas did you ask your brother to come for you or discuss what would happen if you couldn’t drive? Or did you (like alot of us do) insist you would make your own way there as to not be a nuisance, knowing it probably wasn’t sensible?

Your brother may be an arsehole. Or he may have a very different view of the situation. Or there maybe things going on that you aren’t aware of because you aren’t there and your brother currently is.

Most people don’t go out of their way to be arseholes to family. Unless there’s a big back story I would assume it’s something else.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2023 08:23

You've had significant health issues over the past year which are far more important than running yourself ragged and expecting your family to do likewise, all for what is effectively 1 day.

youd have been better off setting no expectations of yourself and others and arranged a celebration sometime in the new year when you had a better chance of getting all the arrangements sorted out without the added pressure.

Christmas has become increasingly ridiculous and blown out of all proportion, probably not helped by the perfect illusion painted on social media feeds.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:24

It was too late by time I realised I needed to change plans have you bothered to read my post??

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:27

Paid for it as assumed that WAS my travel

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 31/12/2023 08:29

I agree you left it too late to ask. You should have got your car sorted out in plenty of time if you knew you had to make this journey. Don't blame other folk for your own mistakes.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 08:31

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 08:22

Can I ask, why you went to the expense of paying for a mot and service at a mini dealership instead of paying for travel?

Not saying you were right or wrong here.

At any point before Christmas did you ask your brother to come for you or discuss what would happen if you couldn’t drive? Or did you (like alot of us do) insist you would make your own way there as to not be a nuisance, knowing it probably wasn’t sensible?

Your brother may be an arsehole. Or he may have a very different view of the situation. Or there maybe things going on that you aren’t aware of because you aren’t there and your brother currently is.

Most people don’t go out of their way to be arseholes to family. Unless there’s a big back story I would assume it’s something else.

Show quote history

OP lives in a rural location - OF COURSE she's going to prioritise getting her car roadworthy.