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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 31/12/2023 07:08

Psychoticbreak · 31/12/2023 07:04

Really people think an hours drive is a huge thing? I do it to work and back every day. OP in your situation I too would be anoyed but maybe because a 2.5 hour round trip to me is a daily occurance and would not in the least bother me in order to have christmas with the whole family.

I also do this amount of driving every day. Which is why I would really not want to on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

Mikimoto · 31/12/2023 07:10

I think the key question is...why doesn't BIL go with his wife to Italy??!!

Azandme · 31/12/2023 07:13

Psychoticbreak · 31/12/2023 07:04

Really people think an hours drive is a huge thing? I do it to work and back every day. OP in your situation I too would be anoyed but maybe because a 2.5 hour round trip to me is a daily occurance and would not in the least bother me in order to have christmas with the whole family.

Are you past retirement age, and also doing the exhausting caring for a partner with Alzheimers?

A 2.5 hour round trip may not be a huge thing for you, but it clearly was for the person who IS all of the above - and that's who she asked.

Dolphinbus · 31/12/2023 07:13

I would have had the car booked in for earlier in December, a minimum of 2 weeks before Xmas and before your operation.

Also I’d have had a back up Xmas dinner in the freezer just in case of any issues. Something that id use in Jan if it weren’t needed. Nothing fancy just a nice roast chicken, aunt Bessie’s yorkies and roast potatoes, frozen veg, gravy granules in cupboard. A frozen desert. Since that’s all frozen and long dated, I’d have ordered that in early December.

this is on you OP. How ridiculous to book your car in on 23rd 😮

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:13

Given how seriously ill you have been, I have no idea why your father and brother didn’t offer in the first place to collect you and the gc. It’s very uncaring at Christmas and I can see why you are upset

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:14

Ok, thanks for your opinion. I prob have been bit less organised than normal. But I have had alot of hospital surgeries etc. Including the week before Christmas so wasn't like I could drive my car in anytime I wanted. Guess it's just unfortunate.

OP posts:
NoKateMoss · 31/12/2023 07:14

So if you knew on 23rd you were staying home why didn't you go shopping for food?

TT6 · 31/12/2023 07:14

FFS everyone saying YABU are neglecting the fact that you have a serious illness. I wouldn't expect you to drive after having surgery a week before let alone sort the car etc.
If you were my sister I would have got you at the drop of a hat - if I had plans xmas eve I would have come early xmas day. Your dad is different as perhaps he is decrepit.
BUT I would not expect my brother to see an email on xmas eve, you should have called him.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:15

Yes I would have done that without hesitation for my dds, and especially at Christmas. I can’t believe they left you alone at Christmas in the end.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 07:15

you had not driven for 9 months
You had surgery the week before
you have a “complicated illness”
you have a baby
you put your car in for an MOT as close to christmas as possible

you knew you weren’t going to be able to drive
your plan backfired

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:15

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:07

No, sorry, I mixed my dates up. Car was booked in from 8am till 1pm on 23rd (Saturday). It had originally been booked in on the Friday actually, but I had a hospital follow up appointment at 9am so upon discussion with the Mini dealer I go to regularly they said they could do it on Saturday morning instead, to take the pressure off. It's a well kept car with low mileage so has never failed an MOT until now. I did say 'Are you sure?!' but the guy said yes!

The man at the mini dealership told you m, that a car that’s been sat for 9 months would be back in the road in a few hours?

Even the Friday before Christmas is too late if you absolutely need your car.

I thought your car was booked in the week before and you couldn’t go as you couldn’t drive? But now it’s the day before and you could drive but had to go to the hospital?

And now people are saying you should have been better organised, you are saying this didn’t happen on Christmas Eve. It happened on the Saturday.

Which gave you more time to sort more food out?

I think there’s a possibility your family are frustrated with you and your forgetfulness about their own lives.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:17

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:14

Ok, thanks for your opinion. I prob have been bit less organised than normal. But I have had alot of hospital surgeries etc. Including the week before Christmas so wasn't like I could drive my car in anytime I wanted. Guess it's just unfortunate.

This has been a major problem for all of my friends lately.car parts that are unavailable worldwide: you could not have known this in advance op. You have had bigger things to worry about.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 07:18

who’s been looking after your baby during the surgeries you’ve had and all the time you’ve been incapacitated with your complex illness?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 31/12/2023 07:18

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 07:15

you had not driven for 9 months
You had surgery the week before
you have a “complicated illness”
you have a baby
you put your car in for an MOT as close to christmas as possible

you knew you weren’t going to be able to drive
your plan backfired

How did you get to and fro from the hospital for the op and who looked after dc? Could they have helped/you spend Xmas day with them?

KateyCuckoo · 31/12/2023 07:19

I have no time for people with such poor organisation.

So poor it's almost unbelievable.

Who the hell emails their brother??

Abi86 · 31/12/2023 07:21

FYI OP - I’d have picked my daughter up given the same circumstances you indicated. No worries. Even if I needed to drive late in the evening. You have a strange family, to my mind.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:21

Thank you so much for your caring response. You've actually made me cry! I've had such a rotten year and was told I nearly died. Spent 3 weeks in hospital, initially in ICU. Blood toxin levels in the thousands and had necrosis (dead tissue) ended up with a large 15 cm deep hole in my butt cheek that had to heal from the bottom up. Wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worse enemy.

OP posts:
KateyCuckoo · 31/12/2023 07:21

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:21

I would be talking a step back from your family now op. Clearly without your mother’s input they care very little for your well being. To spend Christmas with your mother given her diagnosis would have been important to you.

I think you are going to have to assume your father and brother do not have your back, and a different family dynamic is now emerging - without your mother’s presence. I would be developing better relationships elsewhere because your father and brother don’t sound supportive or loving.

NoKateMoss · 31/12/2023 07:22

Abi86 · 31/12/2023 07:21

FYI OP - I’d have picked my daughter up given the same circumstances you indicated. No worries. Even if I needed to drive late in the evening. You have a strange family, to my mind.

The mum has Alzheimer's. They maybe have enough going on.

NoKateMoss · 31/12/2023 07:22

Sorry dementia

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 07:23

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:21

Thank you so much for your caring response. You've actually made me cry! I've had such a rotten year and was told I nearly died. Spent 3 weeks in hospital, initially in ICU. Blood toxin levels in the thousands and had necrosis (dead tissue) ended up with a large 15 cm deep hole in my butt cheek that had to heal from the bottom up. Wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worse enemy.

and who looked after your baby during this time?

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:23

My best friend did. But they went to their parents for Christmas

OP posts:
Tilllly · 31/12/2023 07:24

For me it comes down to history and pattern

If you're someone who often is disorganised and expects others to then pick up the slack, no, I wouldn't have come for you
People like that are selfish and drive me mad and I tend to distance myself

If this is very out of character, yes I'd have come for you

Also, bear in mind, the journey would take longer than usual given holiday traffic

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:24

My best friend

OP posts:
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