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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PriOn1 · 31/12/2023 06:50

How come you only contacted them at the last minute, OP?

You must have known the car wasn’t going to be fixed before that, or at least that it was a risk, so there should have been a back-up plan.

I’d have come to get you, if you were my sister, but my elderly parents are a lot less flexible than they used to be and I’m not sure would cope with a sudden, unexpected journey they hadn’t planned for. Why e-mail your brother when so short of time?

Your own poor planning, which I guess might be related to your illness, definitely played a part in creating the problem. Therefore, I think that your family weren’t necessarily being unreasonable in not helping. It’s just one of those things you’ll have to chalk up to experience.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 06:50

I think the thing is I would drive for daughter. I would have gone picked her up. If I could. I would have been very frustrated that she left it so late. Leaving me to find 2.5 hours extra in Christmas Eve.

Who would have looked after your mother in that time?

The problem comes in when it means cancelling plans with your other child.

My dd is an adult and ds isnt. I am 40 and confident driving at night. Ds loves a road trip so I would have done a pick up around whatever else we were doing. Would have meant a later night than planned. But that’s not the case for everyone.

But if I look at this in context of me being the one requiring a pick up, I wouldn’t have expected my dad to cancel plans with my brother. Or drive such a long way late. Or find extra time on Christmas Eve.

I think I would be quite annoyed if my brother waited until the very last minute to book his car in, which meant dad had to cancel plans with me/my kids drive when he isn’t confident and spend 2.5 hours, short notice on Christmas Eve doing this because dbro was unorganised. Then there’s the complication of who looks after Mum in the time it takes.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 06:51

Oh and I don’t check my emails for days.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 06:52

you hadn’t driven for almost a year

and you’re first drive was going to be over an hour on a motorway to your parents with your baby in the car?

SpidersAreShitheads · 31/12/2023 06:53

Sorry you’ve had a rough year Op but I’d say this is on you really. Christmas Eve is very late to ask someone to make a two hour round trip, especially when it’s due to your disorganisation.

Also, only booking your car in for an MOT etc 48 hours before driving - bearing in mind it’s an older vehicle that’s been stationary- was way too late.

I think it’s a case of lesson learned and don’t make the same mistakes again. Oh, and if you want a big favour with an urgent response maybe pick up the phone next time.

Glad you managed to have a nice day anyway.

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 06:53

i would have picked up my dd in this situation, but i am a mother, dh would also, as long as it wasnt dark due to his vision
but i would have nagged before hand to know the details and reminded about the MOT.
they could have offered to send you the taxi fare so you could catch the train too
bad planning all around op

StepAwayFromGoogling · 31/12/2023 06:55

Midday on Christmas Eve was too little notice. Surely you didn't find out that there was an issue with your car just before midday on Christmas Eve? Was the garage even open? It was a Sunday.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:55

That's a fair point. But I had had unexpected surgery only a week before so have been very unwell with this ongoing illness (have a bowel condition with a seton drain caused by soft tissue infection and Khrons now too as a result - lovely!) and previously with my Mini the slot I've booked is sufficient to get it done.

OP posts:
CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 06:57

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:45

To be fair, I only asked midday Christmas Eve but said I'd be happy to be picked up anytime up to late afternoon Xmas Day. It's 1 hour 10 mins from theirs to mine. I thought the car would be ready in time as booked it in 48 hours before for MOT, Service and also the parts the car computer said it required e. g. Rear brake pads (which they ordered in) was a surprise it needed other things just due to being stationery for 9 months

You knew you car was stationary for 9 months. It’s not a surprise that it needed extra parts. It’s expected. Anyone taking in a car that’s been stationary for so long should expect plenty of work needing to be done.

You needed to be booking it weeks before to ensure you would be able to get all the parts. Everything closes/slows down and shuts for Christmas.

Even taking it in the 22nd, meant there was a good chance it wouldn’t be ready.

Again, saying ‘well you can pick me up Christmas Day instead’ isn’t any better either.

You could have also gone to the supermarket in the afternoon to get more bits if you needed.

Thinking about it honestly, is there a back story here. You being badly organised and expecting family to fix the issue for you? Or you, maybe, forgetting they have lives and responsibilities themselves?

WhatNoRaisins · 31/12/2023 06:57

Agree with others that it just sounded far too last minute. Most people want to relax when they've got to where they're spending Christmas Eve, not go out on an unplanned 2 hour round trip.

I'd try to learn some organisational skills in the new year.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:57

Oh yeah! Sorry! It was midday SATURDAY I asked for a pickup!!!

OP posts:
Lamelie · 31/12/2023 06:58

Christmas Eve is really late. I’d move heaven and earth to collect family but I’m a generation younger than your father was flat out and Christmas Eve and I love driving- he’s not at all unreasonable, but I’m sorry you had a flat Christmas.

drowninginsick · 31/12/2023 06:58

Honestly it's just one of those things. You were trying to sort all this and squeeze it in so last minute it was bound not to come together. Did Dbro even check emails Christmas Eve?

Lots of people would have balked at the demand last minute to be driving around for hours with a baby and poorly person.

Part of the problem is Hallmark movies making it seem like CHRISTMAS DAY is the only time to be together as a family.

If all this had happened on a day you planned a nice family roast would you have gone to all this effort a week after an op to get there against all odds or would you have said sorry guys this isn't going to work let's postpone!

Organise a proper visit for a time that suits you all and you can drive and have a lovely catch up with lots of treats Smile

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 06:59

is your df usually like this op?

MintJulia · 31/12/2023 07:00

The other issue is they may have had a drink at lunchtime, so couldn't have driven legally.

Next time OP, get the MOT done early December. It will be due the same week next year.

I always get the basics in regardless - crackers, chocolates etc, having been snowed in one year and had ds in hosp with swine flu another year, and only discharged late Christmas Eve.

It happens and it's not their fault. You'll be better prepared next time.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:00

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:55

That's a fair point. But I had had unexpected surgery only a week before so have been very unwell with this ongoing illness (have a bowel condition with a seton drain caused by soft tissue infection and Khrons now too as a result - lovely!) and previously with my Mini the slot I've booked is sufficient to get it done.

But previously it wouldn’t have sat there for 9 months? The car is older. If my car goes in for an mot it’s fairly quick because it’s 4 years old.

I know that will change as the car gets older.

I am sorry you have been unwell. I think you might have been better making other plans when you found out you needed emergency surgery.

Were you even in a fit state to drive?

MayThe4th · 31/12/2023 07:01

Given there’s absolutely no way the garage was open to do an MOT on the sunday before Christmas why did you leave it at least 24 hours to ask?
frankly since everyone knows that garages don’t typically MOT cars on a Sunday I’m guessing you did this deliberately.

Jifmicroliquid · 31/12/2023 07:02

Bit late notice, did you not think that maybe your car would need work or parts? I have an older car and always plan for this being the case.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:02

Agree with you. But I'm going through a complicated illness at the moment and had surgery the week before and you can't drive after a general anaesthetic. So that scuppered my plans to book the car in earlier than the 23rd. Sorry didn't make that clear.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 07:02

how old are your parents op?

Mumof2teens79 · 31/12/2023 07:03

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:48

I couldn't sadly as I live in a village and without a car couldn't get out anywhere

So how have you been doing your shopping for last 6 months?
Car needed MOT as not been driven for 6 months it was ridiculous to book it in less than a week before the day you needed to use it for the first time.

Emailing your brother is also odd....just call

Psychoticbreak · 31/12/2023 07:04

Really people think an hours drive is a huge thing? I do it to work and back every day. OP in your situation I too would be anoyed but maybe because a 2.5 hour round trip to me is a daily occurance and would not in the least bother me in order to have christmas with the whole family.

NoKateMoss · 31/12/2023 07:06

So you booked it in on the Saturday and called on The Saturday? I don't think that you've thought any of this through. Not surprising there's a delay on your car and I am not sure I'd want to drive my kids with you clearly unwell having not driven for so long. Bad planning I'm afraid. Hope you managed to have fun anyway.

Twiglets1 · 31/12/2023 07:07

You would rather ask family to do a 2.5 hour round trip than get a taxi to the nearest train station?

I know you said money is tight but still - that’s not reasonable especially on Christmas Eve

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:07

No, sorry, I mixed my dates up. Car was booked in from 8am till 1pm on 23rd (Saturday). It had originally been booked in on the Friday actually, but I had a hospital follow up appointment at 9am so upon discussion with the Mini dealer I go to regularly they said they could do it on Saturday morning instead, to take the pressure off. It's a well kept car with low mileage so has never failed an MOT until now. I did say 'Are you sure?!' but the guy said yes!

OP posts: