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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 07:24

i am sure you made the best of the situation op.
christmas is what you make it

arrange a family get together perhaps for easter?

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 07:25

i can’t fathom that you thought you’re first driving for 9 months would be this drive

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/12/2023 07:25

OP, I definitely would've come to pick you up if you were my daughter. I definitely would've picked you up if you were my sister as well. I really feel for you. I don't know why people are being so horrible to you. It sounds like you've had a really really rough time and could do with a bit of kindness. I'm sorry you didn't get it from your family or on here.

💐

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:25

It’s okay op, it’s understandable why you are so upset. Pp that are banging on about ‘organisational skills’ have no idea what it is like being seriously ill with a young child. You are in survival mode.

I am sorry your father and brother let you down, and you spent Christmas alone; it must have been hard and upsetting.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:25

I'm normally extremely organised and independent. I've just had a bad year with illness

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 07:26

it's their loss op that you werent there!

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:27

Thanks x

OP posts:
CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:27

Op, should you have even been driving if you had emergency surgery on your abdomen a week before?

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:27

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 07:25

i can’t fathom that you thought you’re first driving for 9 months would be this drive

She wanted to get to her mother whom has dementia for Christmas. As most people would, she was doing her best.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:29

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:27

Op, should you have even been driving if you had emergency surgery on your abdomen a week before?

Yes as long as you can safely do an emergency stop.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:29

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:29

Yes as long as you can safely do an emergency stop.

Show quote history

But we don’t know that she could. That’s why I asked the question 🙄

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:32

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:29

But we don’t know that she could. That’s why I asked the question 🙄

Show quote history

Obviously she could, as she drove the car to the garage.

Getamoveon36 · 31/12/2023 07:32

You are being a bit unreasonable (and a bit of a martyr)

Anycrispsleft · 31/12/2023 07:32

I wonder if maybe your dad is so preoccupied with your mother that he's not really taking on the fact that you are as ill as you are. As your mum's Alzheimer's gets worse your dad will be less and less able to get away from the house, as she may be OK at home with him but not alone and not if she has to travel. Maybe on top of that the thought that his daughter is ill and needs help is just too much to cope with. Then you add to that as a PP said that you mother probably did most of the caring, and you are facing some pretty cold comfort from your family going forward. Your brother could have stepped up though I would have thought. It is a big change, and things will get harder with your mum sadly, so you need to be prepared.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 31/12/2023 07:33

I think you aren’t understanding that your mother with Dementia may be quite distressed if her husband disappeared for two hours on Christmas Eve. Perhaps that is why your Dad didn’t come to get you. You shouldn’t stress about this, you shouldn’t blame them. It’s just something that went wrong. Next time plan a back up. I usually pop stuff in the freezer mid December because the number of Christmas that plans have gone to pot with snow, flood, illnesses or births sometimes happens!

Vettrianofan · 31/12/2023 07:33

You did the right thing staying at home with your DS. The Christmas holidays last two weeks usually so you can celebrate together another day when your car is fixed. No big deal.

I don't know what the fuss is about. I visit family throughout the holidays, not Christmas Day though. I like to be with the nuclear family at home on Christmas Day and visit others the other days of the holiday.

You have to learn to be flexible about these situations in life.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:34

I agree broadly that op should have been picked up in the first place, given she was just a week post surgery. The fact they didn’t do this and prioritised something else speaks volumes. Agreed.

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 07:34

Your car hadn't been used for 9 months so imo you should have booked it in way earlier than 48 hours before your trip

However after the year you've had I think its really mean of your father/brother not to come and get you

I'm assuming there's some sort of back story which would explain their reaction (they find you annoying because you often cause issues??)

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:36

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:32

Obviously she could, as she drove the car to the garage.

Show quote history

Managing to drive doesn’t mean she should.

How many emergency stops do you imagine she did on the way to the garage?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 31/12/2023 07:37

I'm hoping for your parents sake that your db at least did the majority of the catering for Christmas day for your parents!

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:38

What were your father and brother doing that was more important than picking up their dd and little gd for Christmas?

Was it an important medical app?

Clearly they were able to leave the mother, as had planned to do something on Christmas Eve without her.

WhichIsItWendy · 31/12/2023 07:38

It sounds like you've had a very hard year.

Unfortunately, it was just 'one of those things'. You left it late to sort your car out. Obviously you didn't anticipate the issues you had but that's still on you.

Your dad is going through a lot too and the last thing he wanted was a 2hr+ journey through roads he doesn't know. I wouldn't want that either on Christmas eve.

I think this is a classic situation where no one's done anything wrong, it's just life. You should probably have sorted the car out earlier but move on. Don't blame your family who did nothing wrong.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 07:39

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:36

Managing to drive doesn’t mean she should.

How many emergency stops do you imagine she did on the way to the garage?

Show quote history

You have to do a number of test emergency stops before you go anywhere, as instructed by the insurance company to ensure you can safely do so.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 07:40

I think this one of those situations where everyone could have thought it all out better and done something better.

As we don’t know the back story it’s impossible to say who is unreasonable.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 31/12/2023 07:41

Why didn't you travel on the Saturday since taxis weren't time and a half and buses were running? Why didn't you get extra supplies in on the Saturday? Your reason for not doing those things were that it was Sunday/Christmas eve but now you say it was actually the Saturday at midday

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