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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 31/12/2023 16:30

The whole first post from OP has changed.
The change is such that all the reasons for not going by train on the Saturday no longer exist... neither does OP...

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:34

Tistheseason17 · 31/12/2023 16:30

The whole first post from OP has changed.
The change is such that all the reasons for not going by train on the Saturday no longer exist... neither does OP...

and when that was pointed out… she scampered off

SoupDragon · 31/12/2023 16:51

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 11:09

presumably she hasn’t been without food for the past 9 months

Show quote history

Have you never heard of online grocery orders?

Try getting one of those at short notice right before Christmas.

stop troll hunting.

Bassetlover · 31/12/2023 17:07

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:25

I'm normally extremely organised and independent. I've just had a bad year with illness

OP, I can't believe how nasty some posters are being to you here. You've obviously been very sick and in and out of hospital for months whilst also struggling to look after a child.

Your DDad may be too nervous to drive but your brother could have stepped in or maybe they could have all chipped in to pay the taxi fare to the station at the very least.

Order a supermarker delivery of food and have a relaxed New Year's Eve at home and remember this when your parents/brother need help in the future.

JenniferJuniper80 · 31/12/2023 17:22

Why didn't you ask your dad to pick you up from the train station in the next village?

mathanxiety · 31/12/2023 17:29

YANBU.

Your family are selfish, self absorbed, and completely lacking in kindness.

Your brother in particular is a pillock, but your father isn't far behind.

One or other of them could have stayed with your mum while the other went to fetch you. It's not a huge drive. It's not a huge ask.

I regularly pick up family members and friends from the nearest airport, a round trip that takes longer than the two and a half hours you were asking of your so-called family.

Shame on them.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:36

SoupDragon · 31/12/2023 16:51

Have you never heard of online grocery orders?

Try getting one of those at short notice right before Christmas.

stop troll hunting.

Edited
Show quote history

i don’t believe this is a troll

i just believe that in this Op - there will be a very compelling alternative version of events

Do you often mix up “Christmas Eve midday” so no public transport with whoopsie “23rd” and radio silence on the transport question?

mathanxiety · 31/12/2023 17:37

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 07:14

Ok, thanks for your opinion. I prob have been bit less organised than normal. But I have had alot of hospital surgeries etc. Including the week before Christmas so wasn't like I could drive my car in anytime I wanted. Guess it's just unfortunate.

No, they were unkind.

Are you usually the family member who gets shat upon from a great height or is this experience new and shocking to you? Your willingness to see 'reason' in the posts telling you this is your fault and you were unreasonable makes me suspect you have been well trained to accept that you deserve no care or kindness from your family.

They had a choice and they chose to be selfish. I don't know how they managed to spend any kind of a happy Christmas together knowing you were on your own and probably not well, with no preparations made.

I hope the coming year will be happier and healthier.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2023 17:40

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:36

i don’t believe this is a troll

i just believe that in this Op - there will be a very compelling alternative version of events

Do you often mix up “Christmas Eve midday” so no public transport with whoopsie “23rd” and radio silence on the transport question?

Show quote history

Did you miss the post where she said she had a mini stroke? Do you know what that does to your brain?

If you have concerns, report this thread. Otherwise maybe find some other activity to amuse yourself.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2023 17:41

MistyWitch · 31/12/2023 12:50

I don't understand all the unkind responses on here. Would you all leave your child, who had battled illness all year, to scrabble about alone with DGC to sort Christmas at the last minute? Really?? Instead of nipping round to get them?

OP I'm sorry you have had a shitty year and I hope 2024 is much better for you. If you were my child/sibling/friend I'd have driven you. Probably would have offered to drive you from the outset of planning Christmas rather than expect you to drive yourself and a child after surgery/prolonged illness.

We all need a bit of support at times and it sounds like that's exactly what you needed and didn't get. Instead you tried to do it by yourself and it went a bit wrong. In those situations family should try their best to be a bit of a safety net. Not ignore you or prioritise some other plan.

Comments telling you to be more organised are neither helpful nor nice. It takes a village and some people could do with remembering that.

Agree!

There are a lot of very nasty posts on this thread.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:43

mathanxiety · 31/12/2023 17:40

Did you miss the post where she said she had a mini stroke? Do you know what that does to your brain?

If you have concerns, report this thread. Otherwise maybe find some other activity to amuse yourself.

Show quote history

yes i saw that. 9 months ago? the Op says the dvla policy is no driving for 6 months. That is wrong. the DVLA specifies 1 month for a mini stroke unless multiple in a short period in which case 3 months.

So yes i certainly do believe the OP had a mini stroke.

but as with the date detail… the follow up detail doeent quite stack up.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 17:44

i will bow out

but to myself and anymore of others… I’d say there’s a lot more to this than the OP has cared to share

ButterBastardBeans · 31/12/2023 18:51

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 14:39

Oh I'm so sorry

How is he?

Show quote history

Thanks. Still trying to find out what is wrong with him. Stroke on top of heart failure I suspect. I love him. I just want him home now.

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 18:53

That's terrible @ButterBastardBeans
Have you family/ friends with you?

Hesma · 31/12/2023 19:29

YABU… you should have sorted your car sooner

DeadbeatYoda · 31/12/2023 20:22

Haven't read the full thread but it doesn't matter. If you were my family, I'd have picked you up, no question. And my brothers and sisters would do it for me and my kids too. It sounds like you've had a tough time this year and I would be heartbroken to think my sister and kids was left without a proper Christmas just because she'd ballsed up with the car.
I don't understand your family, they aren't like mine.

gloriawasright · 01/01/2024 00:04

Bleechy · 31/12/2023 07:53

I'd make sure you never got invited to my house again if I was your dad
He can't drive easily to you and he's looking after your mum with dementia
You were willing to drive there for a free Christmas lunch but not to spend time with them before this
Shame on you

Full of the joys aren't you ?

Travis1 · 01/01/2024 01:02

Can’t believe how bloody heartless some of you are. You’d leave your sister/daughter home with just her child because heaven forbid you put yourself out for someone you supposedly love and care about. Wow.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 01/01/2024 01:11

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:21

Would you all leave your child, who had battled illness all year, to scrabble about alone with DGC to sort Christmas at the last minute?

No. Absolutely not.

BUT. if there was an extensive history of my DD fibbing, exaggerating, manipulating, changing plans at last minute, making demands at last minute knowing that it will cause others to be put out…. then i would bet 🤔 at a christmas eve demand for my son (with whom she has not had a relationship with for 3 years) and I to do a 2.5 hour journey to collect (and leave my early onset dementia husband home alone)

I can assure you I have never fibbed, exaggerated or manipulated my family! If anything, prior to my year of illness, I've been generous and helpful to them as had a very well paid professional job.

The garage DID close around midday saturday 23rd, 1pm to be precise, so that was an error in my post. But I was unable to then suddenly get a train as I wasn't ready to go (as planned to travel xmas eve so my laundry was wet, presents unwrapped etc.) I did try ringing round car hire places but they were closed or fully booked out. Believe me, asking for a lift was a last resort.

At this point (Saturday afternoon) I didn't even realise there were no buses on a Sunday to the station in next village or what the price of a taxi would be, so still thought I could get myself there xmas Eve as planned.

It was when I phoned for the taxi quote that I felt defeated and asked for a pickup. Just couldn't afford that on top of a 40 quid train fare. I'm in financial hardship as was self employed before I got ill.

By the way, would only have been a lift one way. I said I'd get the train back after Boxing Day when the buses to my village were running again from the station in the next town.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 01/01/2024 03:39

@Babyandfurbabymum

OP so sorry you've had such a tough year and that the last few days have also been so difficult and so emotional. I really hope 2024 is better for you. Take care my dear. 🌹

ButterBastardBeans · 01/01/2024 06:17

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 18:53

That's terrible @ButterBastardBeans
Have you family/ friends with you?

Hi, Thanks. No. We moved away from family in 1993 to a more affordable area. We are going to have to make some big decisions this year but I had botched NHS surgery and it has affected my life massively so no decision is straightforward.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2024 07:06

I’m sorry you’ve had a crap year topped off with a crap Christmas. I would have done the pick up as would my parents, as would my brother (even if there was a bit of eye rolling at any perception of disorganisation). I hope this year is better for you.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 13/01/2024 13:50

No, he did nothing

OP posts:
GLo1971 · 13/01/2024 14:35

Aw i think you are getting bashed a bit too much here. Due to all your surgeries and health issues it would have been nice for a family member to offer help, even if it was Christmas Eve, or offer to help with the cost of a taxi as your Christmas gift. Seems a bit shabby to me. Plus you are probs a bit sensitive with not feeling great so this will have magnified the issue.

Plan something nice for you and your wee one next year and maybe just visit Boxing Day or something.

Dealing with dementia is difficult so your dad has a lot of worries too.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 15/01/2024 14:59

Thanks! You're right. By the way, can anyone tell me what the results of the vote was? Can't see it for some reason! New to MM

OP posts: