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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Clafoutie · 31/12/2023 11:10

I find some of the unfeeling and unkind responses to OP on here really depressing. People do love a pile on don’t they. So many of them seemingly ignoring the OP’s mentions of severe illness which- what a surprise- may have meant she was less able to be as ‘organised’ as people are telling her she should have been. Talk about kicking people while they are down. I’m sorry you’ve had this tough time OP, I hope you can put it behind you and maybe treat yourself a little soon. I wish you much better health for 2024 Flowers

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 11:12

Pelham678 · 31/12/2023 10:28

Did you read the bit about the major surgery the OP had had the week before? And how she'd been ill on and off for a while. With that plus the being a lone parent thing, she's got quite a lot on her plate.

Mind you, you are never empathic to anyone's situation, ever. You only come on to stick the boot in so I'm not surprised at this post.

Show quote history

Empathy, compassion, kindness and sympathy are words that several here have never used and probably couldn't define for a million dollars.

They want others to be as miserable as they obviously are. Proof that though beauty is only skin deep, the ugly goes all the way to the soul.

LlynTegid · 31/12/2023 11:13

Hope you are much better in 2024 and able to organise things well in advance of next Christmas. MOT in November or even earlier for a start. I think you should assume your dad will not drive on motorways again (those who have probably contributed to his feelings about motorway driving such as BMW drivers who feel inadequate about a body part and middle lane hoggers are not going to get the driving bans they should have).

Your dad's response whilst not what you hoped for was at least a reasonable one, your brother ignoring you is unreasonable.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:14

Heyhoherewegoagain · 31/12/2023 09:09

Same here. Then again, that OP contacted her brother by email rather than phone maybe tells us something about their relationship….

Show quote history

Or you read her explanation...

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:16

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 09:22

i’d love to hear from the brother and father

i suspect there’s many years of the OP being disorganised, last minute demands, being indignant about people
not jumping to her whims.

And i note that the Op was not invited. she “arranged” to go to her parents due to practical reasons that suited her.

Yes. To see her mum with dementia.

I don't invite my family here for Christmas. It's a given unless circumstances change. Then we talk about it

Bracksonsboss · 31/12/2023 11:16

YABU big time

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 31/12/2023 11:18

Cotonsugar · 31/12/2023 11:09

Exactly this. The OP has been unwell throughout the year including a stroke and people are on here criticising why she didn’t get her car to the garage a bit sooner🙄 unbelievable when surely this time of year is all about good tidings etc.

Show quote history

It makes no difference anyway as Op could have got a bus and then the train as it was the day before , the 23rd.
Op forgot she had used it was a Sunday so no buses/ taxis too expensive to back up her complaint.
It's fairly common on here that people want to use AIBU to make sense of / validate their feelings.
Op has had a rotten year/ wants a bit of TLC that didn't happen but swapping details half way through just goes down badly.

Op isnt wrong to want TLC
DF isn't wrong to not want to drive
DB may have not checked his emails

All the you are a vile nest of vipers posters are also taking their pent up anger out on others Confused

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:19

Fullofxmascbeer · 31/12/2023 11:06

I don’t get, and wouldn’t want, email alerts.

Yanbu to be disappointed.

But her family does...

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 11:21

ButterBastardBeans · 31/12/2023 10:46

I spent Christmas on my own as my husband was and still is in hospital.

Meant kindly but I would have loved your Christmas.

So, you would have loved having several surgeries, including one just more than a week ago, having a seton drain, and having to care for a young child, because having your DH in the hospital is worse? Did you go see him Christmas Day?

Here's your medal 🎖, since you seem so desperate for one.

Mudflaps · 31/12/2023 11:25

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:05

I'm sorry for everything you've been through this year but you really shouldn't have left your car to the last minute. You cannot expect people to be driving for hours at Xmas because you weren't organised in time.
My son and his wife rang me the day before boxing day to ask if they could come for Xmas and I said no. I work full time, I had nothing in and had other plans. I need a month's notice not a days notice. I just couldn't face all that running about on Xmas eve at my age.

"My son and his wife rang me the day before boxing day to ask if they could come for Xmas and I said no"
We don't have Boxing Day here but isn't that Dec 26th? Any context as to why they wanted/needed to come to yours? I've a cousin who used to go home to her parents for Christmas but only out of meanness, she'd stay a week, bring no contribution and want leftovers to bring home, her parents started going away for Christmas eventually to avoid her. I've other family who would walk all day if necessary to see family simply because they are loved and love being together.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 11:26

Reading some of the really nasty responses on here to OP, I can't believe that I got a WARNING from MN for calling one of them bitter and boring (not on this thread).

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 11:32

@Gettingbysomehow

My son and his wife rang me the day before boxing day to ask if they could come for Xmas and I said no

the day before boxing day
so christmas day they rang and asked if they could come for christmas ie today?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 31/12/2023 11:40

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:14

Or you read her explanation...

Show quote history

I did. There doesn’t appear to have been an attempt made. In areas of poor signal, there are often some apps which will work when others don’t.

Inyournewdress · 31/12/2023 11:41

OP there are some insane responses on this thread, it always seems to mount up once you get one or two. Please ignore them.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 31/12/2023 11:42

In normal circumstances booking a car in for an MOT and service would fine 48 hours before Christmas Eve had the car had been driven regularly and maintained and not stood for six months.
Leaving a car stood for so long isn’t good, the engine needs running to run the oil round moving parts, the brakes can seize on. Our SORNED car was driven back and forth on our drive to prevent this. I’d have booked it in at least a week before.

ClareBlue · 31/12/2023 11:43

FrenchandSaunders · 31/12/2023 06:42

I would have done this without a thought but I know people who wouldn’t. I’ve done loads of long trips for our adult DDs, some where DH thinks I’m being taken for a mug but I think even he would have done this trip.

Have you spoken to them since?

Same in our family. We wouldn't rationalise it all out as to whether they should have been in the garage before or if it was poor planning. Family that had a tough year and illness, someone would have done the pick up absolutely no doubt. But there seems to be huge swatches of families that don't particularly put themselves out for each other and always find justification for it. As per all the posts here. They might even be right with their justification, but so what. They left a family member who had a tough time on her own at Christmas. Nice.

Inyournewdress · 31/12/2023 11:43

I email my brother and he always gets them right away, besides which her father can presumably communicate with the brother.

As for the looking after her mother @Bleechy, I’m not sure if you saw the part where OP was planning to be with her mother and keep her company while her father and brother got on with the same plans that prevented them helping OP. Instead her mum was left alone.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 11:44

Daffodilsandtuplips · 31/12/2023 11:42

In normal circumstances booking a car in for an MOT and service would fine 48 hours before Christmas Eve had the car had been driven regularly and maintained and not stood for six months.
Leaving a car stood for so long isn’t good, the engine needs running to run the oil round moving parts, the brakes can seize on. Our SORNED car was driven back and forth on our drive to prevent this. I’d have booked it in at least a week before.

Ofc because when you are in ICU your number one priority is going to be going your car a run here and there 🤷🏼‍♀️

JoyeuxNarwhal · 31/12/2023 11:47

@Babyandfurbabymum sign up to the MoT reminder service: https://www.gov.uk/mot-reminder
You get a text a couple of months before, a month before and a couple of weeks before. If you're unable to drive to get to the appointment some garages will collect, do the test and return the vehicle to you.

It was always a risk you wouldn't be going anywhere for Christmas if your car was booked in that late.

Did you ask to be collected on Christmas Eve or Christmas day? Your posts aren't clear. I guess Christmas eve they could have taken a couple of hours out to come and get you but I think it's reasonable they didn't want to do this on Christmas day. Different if you were 15/20 minutes away maybe.

Get MOT reminders

Sign up to get free reminders by text message or email a month before your MOT is due

https://www.gov.uk/mot-reminder

Kittylickingplate · 31/12/2023 11:47

I would have absolutely come and got you, sorry OP. xx

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 11:51

ClareBlue · 31/12/2023 11:43

Same in our family. We wouldn't rationalise it all out as to whether they should have been in the garage before or if it was poor planning. Family that had a tough year and illness, someone would have done the pick up absolutely no doubt. But there seems to be huge swatches of families that don't particularly put themselves out for each other and always find justification for it. As per all the posts here. They might even be right with their justification, but so what. They left a family member who had a tough time on her own at Christmas. Nice.

Show quote history

It is really depressing the number of families who couldn’t give a flying fig about each other especially if it in any way inconveniences them. Even in critical situations. I just always think that something is seriously wrong with their wiring. You see it on here a lot. I love my kids and family, would do anything to help - can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. Especially at Christmas. Especially when someone has been so ill. Particularly if there are little children involved… 🤷🏼‍♀️

AuntMarch · 31/12/2023 11:53

I'm not sure I'd have asked my dad given all you've described, but I'd have offered if I were your DB as soon as I knew about a surgery happening that close to xmas!

Silverbirchtwo · 31/12/2023 11:58

I assume no courtesy car from the garage? Could you have hired a car? A couple of days might be cheaper than taxis, buses and trains and much more convenient. No neighbours or friends to run you to the station?

If you have been really ill I'm surprised no one in the family offered to pick you up, I wouldn't have expected you to drive under the circumstances.

NalafromtheLionKing · 31/12/2023 12:01

What’s done is done but it sounds like you and your DPs could both do with the support the other offers, especially as you are a single parent.

You sound a bit isolated in the village, both from any support network and from facilities. Is there any way you could move to the same area as your DPs?

ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 31/12/2023 12:03

Sounds like you've both had a full on year OP. Don't take it personal that your family couldn't help and don't beat yourself up for being disorganised. Plan a second belated roast with some fun games and celebrate together another time soon? Doesn't matter if there's no tree or crackers to be pulled, it will still be lovely. Christmas day doesn't always go to plan, but I like to think you can celebrate with others around the date.