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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/12/2023 12:13

It seems as if your whole family has been in survival mode this year, and everyone is just about keeping their own head above water without the capacity to support others. I would just write this off without resentment against myself or my family - everyone could have done a bit better...if only they hadn't started out with their batteries down to 5%, and it is nobody's fault that dementia and COVID and infections and not enough money and a shortage of car parts conspired to run the batteries down.

Rafting2022 · 31/12/2023 12:32

OP I just came on to say that if you were my daughter I would have had this taken care of weeks ago.

I would have told you to assume that you and my grandchild were welcome to stay as long as you wanted over Christmas and to let me know when would be the best time to pick you up to fit round your hospital appointments.

I appreciate your mum is also ill and your dad doesn’t drive far but your brother could have taken a couple of hours out to pick up another close member of the family with health issues. Failing that I would have facilitated trains or taxis.

I hope 2024 is a better year for you all.

DeniseLucy · 31/12/2023 12:36

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Well said!

TiaraBoo · 31/12/2023 12:43

I’m upset for OP that she only had her friend to rely on with all the serious illnesses she was suffering from this year and she has a baby to look after!

Hope 2024 is better for you.

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 31/12/2023 12:44

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/12/2023 12:13

It seems as if your whole family has been in survival mode this year, and everyone is just about keeping their own head above water without the capacity to support others. I would just write this off without resentment against myself or my family - everyone could have done a bit better...if only they hadn't started out with their batteries down to 5%, and it is nobody's fault that dementia and COVID and infections and not enough money and a shortage of car parts conspired to run the batteries down.

Very sensible post.
One thing also to remember is not to underestimate the effect that having a family member with early dementia can have .
My DM was the organiser and everything went bang when she started showing signs of early dementia.
My DF hadn't even written a cheque in his life ( I know!) so he was completely overwhelmed.
She was also the "family glue" and it became very apparent at times like Christmas.

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 31/12/2023 12:46

DeniseLucy · 31/12/2023 12:36

Well said!

Show quote history

Honestly the " nest of vipers" posters are just as bad.
Ridiculous hyperbole and they are always Nana or Nanny something .
Just like having a bash or MRAs?

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 12:49

TiaraBoo · 31/12/2023 12:43

I’m upset for OP that she only had her friend to rely on with all the serious illnesses she was suffering from this year and she has a baby to look after!

Hope 2024 is better for you.

Did op say. She had a baby? Or a child?

If I refer to my DC it could be either my adult dd or teenage ds. But no baby involved

MistyWitch · 31/12/2023 12:50

I don't understand all the unkind responses on here. Would you all leave your child, who had battled illness all year, to scrabble about alone with DGC to sort Christmas at the last minute? Really?? Instead of nipping round to get them?

OP I'm sorry you have had a shitty year and I hope 2024 is much better for you. If you were my child/sibling/friend I'd have driven you. Probably would have offered to drive you from the outset of planning Christmas rather than expect you to drive yourself and a child after surgery/prolonged illness.

We all need a bit of support at times and it sounds like that's exactly what you needed and didn't get. Instead you tried to do it by yourself and it went a bit wrong. In those situations family should try their best to be a bit of a safety net. Not ignore you or prioritise some other plan.

Comments telling you to be more organised are neither helpful nor nice. It takes a village and some people could do with remembering that.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 13:01

MistyWitch · 31/12/2023 12:50

I don't understand all the unkind responses on here. Would you all leave your child, who had battled illness all year, to scrabble about alone with DGC to sort Christmas at the last minute? Really?? Instead of nipping round to get them?

OP I'm sorry you have had a shitty year and I hope 2024 is much better for you. If you were my child/sibling/friend I'd have driven you. Probably would have offered to drive you from the outset of planning Christmas rather than expect you to drive yourself and a child after surgery/prolonged illness.

We all need a bit of support at times and it sounds like that's exactly what you needed and didn't get. Instead you tried to do it by yourself and it went a bit wrong. In those situations family should try their best to be a bit of a safety net. Not ignore you or prioritise some other plan.

Comments telling you to be more organised are neither helpful nor nice. It takes a village and some people could do with remembering that.

Well said 💐

Dweetfidilove · 31/12/2023 13:03

I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough year, OP.

I imagine this just felt like more on top of plenty.

In my family, someone would have collected you and someone would have dropped you back, even if we had to share she transporting. No way would we have left you and a baby by yourself, and especially after such a crap year.

Hopefully things get a bit easier for you in the coming year.

ActDottie · 31/12/2023 13:13

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:36

Christmas Eve around midday when garage was closing

Yeah I think this is on you really for arranging it all so late. Having an MOT I always factor in that we may be without a car for a bit if something big crops up.

BrimfulOfMash · 31/12/2023 13:17

You have been having a very difficult time OP, and it’s sad it didn’t work out over Christmas.

In truth it sounds as if everyone is stretched thin, with looking after your Mum etc, and in the end two return trips of 2hrs 20 mins (because you would need a lift home too) is a lot for people to fit in last minute.

As it happens if I was your brother I would have made a big effort and it’s a shame he wouldn’t / couldn’t.

You sound vulnerable, put your needs first. Make a plan well in advance that is secure, and discuss your needs with your family. Maybe ask 2 weeks in advance whether a lift could be arranged. Keep your car on the road and petrol topped up, you never know when you might need it.

I hope your health improves and 2024 is easier.

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 13:19

It sounds like the whole family has been through the ringer. It's been incredibly difficult for you, OP. No question about it. I hope 2024 is brighter and brings better health.

If your mum is suffering with dementia, life has probably been hard for your dad too so that has probably coloured his reaction. Some of comments are very alien to me. I can't get my head around the sentiment of "On Christmas Eve I've planned my food and want a beer so I wouldn't be prepared to go out of my way to help my DD out so I can be with her and my GC on Christmas day". To be clear , I'm talking about PP and not necessarily your dad there. I think I would always be prepared - very happy, actually - to help my kids out, especially when they're struggling with ill health. A couple of hours round trip isn't really a big deal to me. I would have probably planned to come and collect you in the first place, given your situation. But your dad is dealing with additional stressors that I'm not. So maybe for him, he just couldn't accommodate that request at late notice, or didn't want to be far away from your mum perhaps.

Take no notice of the harsh comments on here. Be kind to yourself. Try and cut your dad a bit of slack too because he's facing something scary too. Hopefully next Christmas will be easier for you.

NalafromtheLionKing · 31/12/2023 13:20

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How ironic that your post (and follow ups about beauty only being skin deep) is the nastiest of all 😁. Maybe time to take a good look in the mirror, @Nanaof1?

I’m actually not one of the posters to whom you refer (my only contribution to this thread has been to suggest that OP moves closer to her parents if possible so they can mutually support each other) but someone being practical on AIBU doesn’t make them a partnerless, friendless “frothing at the mouth” viper who is not only “low and ugly” but also a “lonely, pathetic loser”. I am quite surprised that Mumsnet hasn’t banned you for that sort of vitriol. If someone just wants simpering sympathy instead of genuine views, then AIBU is not for them.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:21

Would you all leave your child, who had battled illness all year, to scrabble about alone with DGC to sort Christmas at the last minute?

No. Absolutely not.

BUT. if there was an extensive history of my DD fibbing, exaggerating, manipulating, changing plans at last minute, making demands at last minute knowing that it will cause others to be put out…. then i would bet 🤔 at a christmas eve demand for my son (with whom she has not had a relationship with for 3 years) and I to do a 2.5 hour journey to collect (and leave my early onset dementia husband home alone)

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:22

as i suspect the case to be in this scenario!

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 13:23

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:22

as i suspect the case to be in this scenario!

Why do you suspect that?

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:30

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 13:23

Why do you suspect that?

Show quote history

call it spidey senses

and how the story did an abrupt turn from christmas eve afternoon to the 23rd

from no public transport at all because christmas eve to… radio silence about alternative options

and just a general sense that this is a person who very much has form for making demands of people.

I would be very interested to hear how the “best friend” who has looked after the OP’s baby during the multiple surgeries and incidences is feeling about the OP

Anonymouseposter · 31/12/2023 13:33

I do feel sorry for the OP who has had such a difficult year but I feel sympathy for her Dad too. It’s a big ask for an older person who is nervous driving to do a two hour trip at short notice. I would have been very torn in his shoes about whether to push myself to do it or not. Perhaps the brother could have been more helpful. In your Dad’s shoes I would probably have transferred the money for taxi and train into your account if there was still time for you to catch a train.

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 14:14

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:30

call it spidey senses

and how the story did an abrupt turn from christmas eve afternoon to the 23rd

from no public transport at all because christmas eve to… radio silence about alternative options

and just a general sense that this is a person who very much has form for making demands of people.

I would be very interested to hear how the “best friend” who has looked after the OP’s baby during the multiple surgeries and incidences is feeling about the OP

Edited
Show quote history

Ah. A "general sense" and "Spidey senses".

So, for absolutely no reason then.

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 14:37

@HorMon

Youre right

You can't drive for 28 days after a TIA / suspected TIA because there is an increased risk of a full stroke

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 14:39

ButterBastardBeans · 31/12/2023 10:46

I spent Christmas on my own as my husband was and still is in hospital.

Meant kindly but I would have loved your Christmas.

Oh I'm so sorry

How is he?

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 14:44

How are you feeling today @Babyandfurbabymum?

Daisyislazy · 31/12/2023 15:49

If my child had had the health issues you you have had then I would have helped them get their , I would have hated the thought of them being on their own

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:09

BalletBob · 31/12/2023 14:14

Ah. A "general sense" and "Spidey senses".

So, for absolutely no reason then.

Show quote history

genuinely curious

so you read the Op and all follow up posts and you think completely genuine and without doubt the father and brother were 100% in the wrong?

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