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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 31/12/2023 10:25

I think you've had some very harsh responses, OP. I'm really sorry to hear what an awful year you've had with your health. I can understand why you took your car in when you did, and it's unfortunate that the garage couldn't get it sorted in time for you. I do wonder if it would have been sensible for you to drive so soon after further surgery though. I think the only thing you did wrong was not to ring your brother to ask him to collect you, and while most people I know would check their emails regularly especially just before Christmas, clearly he didn't. I'm sure it's difficult for your dad to leave your mum alone for long if she's got dementia, but if it had been me, I would have moved heaven and earth to help my daughter to get to me for Christmas, whether that meant transferring the money you needed for a train/taxi or arranging to collect you once your brother had arrived and could stay with your mum. I realise that many older people become less confident with driving, but you said you had found a non motorway route, and a drive of just over an hour isn't exactly far - I used to do a journey of about an hour each way to collect my Mum on Christmas morning and then the same again on Christmas night to take her home again (this was after she had started to develop dementia and got very distressed at the idea of not being in her own house for the night and wouldn't stay with us any more). Sometimes you just have to put yourself out for your family members and do whatever is necessary to help them out, particularly when they've had such a shitty year as you've had.

I really hope that you have better health in 2024.

Pelham678 · 31/12/2023 10:28

Viviennemary · 31/12/2023 08:29

I agree you left it too late to ask. You should have got your car sorted out in plenty of time if you knew you had to make this journey. Don't blame other folk for your own mistakes.

Did you read the bit about the major surgery the OP had had the week before? And how she'd been ill on and off for a while. With that plus the being a lone parent thing, she's got quite a lot on her plate.

Mind you, you are never empathic to anyone's situation, ever. You only come on to stick the boot in so I'm not surprised at this post.

erikbloodaxe · 31/12/2023 10:34

It's happened and it was rubbish but it was just one day. Let it go and try and focus on you, your health and your child.

I hope 2024 is a much, much better year for you Op. I wish you all health, wealth and happiness x

DewHopper · 31/12/2023 10:39

Sorry this happened OP - they have shown you who they are so at least now you know. Ignore the twats posting on this thread.

Wishing you a a healthy and happy 2024.

Beautiful3 · 31/12/2023 10:45

I'm really sorry you've been so ill. Wishing you all the best and a speedy recovery. Honestly you left the car situation bit too close to Christmas. Christmas eve is a bit short notice to ask for a 2 hour (round trip) lift If he doesn't like driving long distances, it probably freaked him out. My fil will only drive in daylight, as his vision is poor at night. If it looks dark outside, he heads home straight away. I hate driving on the motorway and long distances, I get anxiety because of a previous accident. I think next time, just make your own Christmas special. It would be lovely if your family wanted to help more, but unfortunately people have issues of their own. So if you want to go, you'd have to get there yourself. Wishing you all the best with your healing ❤️

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 10:46

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 31/12/2023 10:22

All the excuses about needing a lift are redundant though.
It was the Saturday

Buses were running,no need for an expensive taxi or a lift

In changing the date of the MOT to the 23rd op has excluded all the reasons she couldn't get there 😬

she won’t be back

ButterBastardBeans · 31/12/2023 10:46

I spent Christmas on my own as my husband was and still is in hospital.

Meant kindly but I would have loved your Christmas.

OrigamiOwls · 31/12/2023 10:48

I would be hurt by what your family did. It sends the message that you and your DC aren't important to them.

OrigamiOwls · 31/12/2023 10:50

ButterBastardBeans · 31/12/2023 10:46

I spent Christmas on my own as my husband was and still is in hospital.

Meant kindly but I would have loved your Christmas.

I mean this kindly too, but it isn't a race to the bottom, people can have different reasons for being unhappy with their Christmas.

zingally · 31/12/2023 10:52

Reading your follow-up posts, It sounds like a series of unfortunate events really.

Based on what you've said about the medical issues and the car, I'd say, with love, that perhaps your plan to drive a long way, for the first time in 6 months, in a car that hasn't been driven during that time, only a week after a surgery, on the busiest travel day of the year, was probably pushing your luck if you thought that would all go off without a hitch.
My mum lives 2 hours away, and I certainly wouldn't have done that drive in the same circumstances as you.

As for asking family to collect you... It sounds like your brother is an arsehole, but based on what you've said, I don't think you were surprised by that.
As for your dad... Elderly man, who doesn't like driving, who had plans for that time with his other child, who also has your mum to think about/care for... I don't think he was unreasonable to say he couldn't come and get you. I imagine he already feels a bit over-loaded with life already. Without adding sick DD and grandchild into the mix.

There's nothing wrong with you feeling let down. That's normal, but I don't think laying all this at the feet of your family is the answer. Instead maybe plan something nice for the Spring? Maybe an Easter get-together?

I hope your health continues to improve.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 10:53

DVLA stipulates 1 month after a TIA

and 3 months in multiple TIAs in short period of time

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 10:54

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 10:53

DVLA stipulates 1 month after a TIA

and 3 months in multiple TIAs in short period of time

There is always one.

Thecatmaster · 31/12/2023 10:57

Yes, I think that, given all you have been through, that was very mean of them not to pick you and DC up. Do you have a village WhatsApp group? Had I had a neighbour in this position, I would, at the very least have driven them to the station if I'd been available to. Your brother could have easily picked you both up Christmas eve after he had finished his man dad outing. I'm assuming that you are single, that your child isn't an adult and that you don't have a husband/partner who could have helped you?

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 11:00

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 10:54

There is always one.

Show quote history

not read the thread have you

Thecatmaster · 31/12/2023 11:01

I think that zingally has the best response here! Some great advice from her!

Hope that you feel much better soon. Hats off to you for pulling off a last minute roast and making the most of it, you Superwoman!

Strawberrylacess · 31/12/2023 11:03

Sorry OP - I can imagine you were looking forward to Christmas after a hard year.

Sometimes, the things we are looking forward to is the only way we get through crap situations.

I'm sorry your dad and brother did not help you. In my family, this wouldn't of happened, one of us absolutely would have come to get you, it wouldn't have been an enjoyable day if we knew one of us was at home by themselves, especially after what you have been going through.

I hope the coming year is a better one for you.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:05

everyredsock · 31/12/2023 06:41

Most people don't check emails regularly - especially not on Christmas Eve. Why didn't you call your brother instead?
It all sounds a bit last minute.

I don't know anyone who doesn't check emails regularly, especially as most pop up on your phone

I think they were unkind

Fullofxmascbeer · 31/12/2023 11:06

I don’t get, and wouldn’t want, email alerts.

Yanbu to be disappointed.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 11:06

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:05

I don't know anyone who doesn't check emails regularly, especially as most pop up on your phone

I think they were unkind

Show quote history

I get that much email from places I buy from I turn my notifications off and don’t check them regularly.

Its really easy to do and a lot of people do it

I haven’t even checked my work email or phone since Friday before Christmas.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:07

NoKateMoss · 31/12/2023 07:14

So if you knew on 23rd you were staying home why didn't you go shopping for food?

Because no car?

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:08

KateyCuckoo · 31/12/2023 07:19

I have no time for people with such poor organisation.

So poor it's almost unbelievable.

Who the hell emails their brother??

Well, you're a charmer

Cotonsugar · 31/12/2023 11:09

Growlybear83 · 31/12/2023 10:25

I think you've had some very harsh responses, OP. I'm really sorry to hear what an awful year you've had with your health. I can understand why you took your car in when you did, and it's unfortunate that the garage couldn't get it sorted in time for you. I do wonder if it would have been sensible for you to drive so soon after further surgery though. I think the only thing you did wrong was not to ring your brother to ask him to collect you, and while most people I know would check their emails regularly especially just before Christmas, clearly he didn't. I'm sure it's difficult for your dad to leave your mum alone for long if she's got dementia, but if it had been me, I would have moved heaven and earth to help my daughter to get to me for Christmas, whether that meant transferring the money you needed for a train/taxi or arranging to collect you once your brother had arrived and could stay with your mum. I realise that many older people become less confident with driving, but you said you had found a non motorway route, and a drive of just over an hour isn't exactly far - I used to do a journey of about an hour each way to collect my Mum on Christmas morning and then the same again on Christmas night to take her home again (this was after she had started to develop dementia and got very distressed at the idea of not being in her own house for the night and wouldn't stay with us any more). Sometimes you just have to put yourself out for your family members and do whatever is necessary to help them out, particularly when they've had such a shitty year as you've had.

I really hope that you have better health in 2024.

Exactly this. The OP has been unwell throughout the year including a stroke and people are on here criticising why she didn’t get her car to the garage a bit sooner🙄 unbelievable when surely this time of year is all about good tidings etc.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 11:09

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:07

Because no car?

Show quote history

presumably she hasn’t been without food for the past 9 months

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 11:10

Bleechy · 31/12/2023 07:53

I'd make sure you never got invited to my house again if I was your dad
He can't drive easily to you and he's looking after your mum with dementia
You were willing to drive there for a free Christmas lunch but not to spend time with them before this
Shame on you

Any need to be quite so vile?

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