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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 31/12/2023 09:31

OP, your reasons for not getting a taxi/bus to train station were that it was Sunday and no buses/time and a half cost on taxis.

You then said, you made a mistake - it was not Xmas eve after all - it was Saturday

So, why didn't you get a taxi to the train station or the bus - both of which you said you would have done if it was a Sunday?

Or is this all made up?

Sparkletastic · 31/12/2023 09:32

I'd feel let down too OP.

Etoile41 · 31/12/2023 09:35

You have had a difficult year and a run of bad luck. It is unfortunate that you found out last minute that your car would not be ready and that gave your Dad/brother very little notice but I don't think that you are unreasonable. I understand that they had plans and they were put out but I can't understand how so many ppl will not put themselves out for their family and friends.
I would have gone for you. If that would have been impossible, then they could have given you the money for a taxi &/or train.
Hope you have a better 2024

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 09:35

Tistheseason17 · 31/12/2023 09:31

OP, your reasons for not getting a taxi/bus to train station were that it was Sunday and no buses/time and a half cost on taxis.

You then said, you made a mistake - it was not Xmas eve after all - it was Saturday

So, why didn't you get a taxi to the train station or the bus - both of which you said you would have done if it was a Sunday?

Or is this all made up?

i doubt it’s all made up

i suspect the Op changes her story when people were WTF this was christmas eve afternoon?!

and then of course her change in story meant other details were proved to be lies

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 09:36

i suspect the Best friend was badgered for a lift too

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:37

Viviennemary · 31/12/2023 09:29

Absolutely. If they wanted to come they should have given you proper time to get organised. These selfish entitled folk who expect everyone to run round after their bad planning. And drop their own plans to accommodate them. And then whine when they don't. Ridiculous.

Show quote history

Thank you. I asked them back in October if they wanted to come over for Christmas and they said no we have made other plans. Incidentally there were no bad feelings on either side. They understand that my job often means I can't do things without notice.

Willmafrockfit · 31/12/2023 09:38

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 09:36

i suspect the Best friend was badgered for a lift too

very unkind and unnecessary

wp65 · 31/12/2023 09:38

KateyCuckoo · 31/12/2023 07:19

I have no time for people with such poor organisation.

So poor it's almost unbelievable.

Who the hell emails their brother??

Come on, she's been seriously ill! Have a bit of compassion.

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 31/12/2023 09:38

Sorry you have had a rough year Op

I don't think you have helped yourself really by changing the date half way through.
It was a Sunday no buses and expensive rate taxi but actually it was a Saturday so buses running and no need for a taxi ??
Your DF is elderly and has your dm to look after so given the above changes yab a bit U

It reads like you still have quite a bit of old resentment festering towards your family and will change the op to fit whatever you need to get the replies that they are all dreadful.
You insist your DB ignored your email, you have no idea if he did or not but your DF said they had plans anyway.
Personally if it was the Saturday then just get the bus/ train, far nicer than driving.
The weather was grim and roads rammed.
But it's not really about that is it as you could easily have got the train.
Hope 2024 is a better year for you

PrueRamsay · 31/12/2023 09:38

I’m sorry you had a shit year.

I do agree there is a level of disorganisation here that your family might find irritating.

I would have hired a car for a few days.

Blogswife · 31/12/2023 09:40

YABU. Your situation was difficult but you left the MOT to the last minute and then expected your family to change their plans and fetch you ( 2 plus hour round trip) on one of the busiest days of the year - particularly as your DF has a driving phobia & is caring for your mother with dementia . Emailing your DB isn’t the best way to ask for a favour either - you should have phoned
Sorry it didn’t turn out as you expected but it’s not your family’s fault !

Ejismyf · 31/12/2023 09:40

That's really shit and after the year you had I personally would of prioritised getting you both there for Xmas with us.

JudgeJ · 31/12/2023 09:49

Fingeronthebutton · 31/12/2023 09:05

Give the girl a break 😡 She’s had a shit year with her health and loss of work.
Be kind 🙂

Maybe the message should be to her rather than the twee 'be kind'. she should 'be organised'. Any car left standing for a long period will deteriorate faster than a used car, it's a could idea to ask someone to start the engine once a week and if possible run it up and down to protect the tyres.

HorMon · 31/12/2023 10:01

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:46

Not sure you read my original post but I had a TIA (mini stroke!) so DVLA don't ALLOW you to drive. It wasn't a case of managing believe me. It's been stressful

Who told you this?
DVLA do not stop people driving for 6 months for a TIA!
After a stroke it is 1 month you cannot drive for.

bohemianmullet · 31/12/2023 10:01

I feel for you as you have been through the mill and I can't imagine most people not helping in this situation. But most of this sounds like a communication issue. It sounds like your dad is looking after your mother and I presume he is older and people when they are older can sometimes get very scared of driving or even just shouldn't be driving at all. You describe it as a phobia, but maybe he is reducing his driving now because he really doesn't feel at all confident and it wasn't fair to put that pressure on him to drive suddenly like that for that distance when you know he is already very worried and reluctant to drive. That he said he had other plans with your brother may be true, but probably isn't the crux. He may well not want to admit to you or say openly that he is so worried about the drive. This could also explain his irritation in the reply as people often can react with irritation if they are worried or anxious. It also seems to me to be a bit unfair of you to put pressure on him to do it in this situation when you know he's scared of driving alongside his other responsibilities to your mother.

It doesn't sound like you communicate well with your brother. That he blanked your email is certainly painful but it may be he didn't see it in time or didn't know how to reply or that due to your past disagreements he decided to ignore, we really can't know as we don't know how you normally communicate together. It's a bit odd to email rather than phone as it's harder to communicate the urgency. Whilst it seems mean they didn't help you find a solution as you'd been so ill, if someone wrote a thread saying their sibling decided to come for Christmas, said they were getting there themselves then just sent an email out the blue on Christmas Eve trying to get their dad who is older and very scared of driving to do a 2hr plus drive to get them because they didn't want to spend the taxi fare as they had left their MOT to the last minute, then it looks a bit different.

As people said, at that short notice, your brother might also have had a drink and not have been able to drive. Christmas Eve is also the most heavily travelled day and the roads round you might have been nightmarish (I don't know as no idea where you are).

What I do notice is that noone really communicated properly and now you feel upset and who knows what they feel. I do understand you feeling upset and let down as you've had so many troubles and it's also understandable about the MOT in the circumstances. But it sounds like your dad has a lot of troubles too, and maybe this on top wasn't easy for him and if you were determined to go that another solution needed to be found such as maybe borrowing the taxi fare if that was possible from your brother or something like that. If they couldn't get you, they could still have been in sympathetic communication with you. Did you speak on Christmas Day? Were you nice to each other? If you wanted your brother to come and collect you perhaps you two need to work on better communications so people can properly understand what's going on and why and help each other better.

Smugandproud · 31/12/2023 10:01

@Babyandfurbabymum in my family we would have offered to fetch you in the first place after so much illness.
Your father and brother don’t sound very kind.

Therealjudgejudy · 31/12/2023 10:05

Sounds like you have had a terrible year op. However your disorganisation is not your dad or your brothers fault.

Hope next year improves for you.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 31/12/2023 10:06

Saturday/Sunday the local roads which to avoid motorways the dad would have had to use were rammed, that 1 hr 10 journey could have easily taken 2 hours each way. Plus loading the car up and the dad was looking at losing over 4 hours of his time. I don't know many people who can take out 4 hours of their day unexpectedly when they are the one responsible for Christmas, for all we know the plans with the brother were to get the food shopping in.

There was no reason the op couldn't get the train on the Saturday, the reasons given aren't valid for the Saturday.

diddl · 31/12/2023 10:08

Were you actually invited Op?

It doesn't sound as if they were willing to make an effort to get you there.

Hoping that things vastly improve for the New Year for you.

Inyournewdress · 31/12/2023 10:09

Unless there is something we don’t know about your brother, then really it’s not a long drive to come and get you. One hour 10 each way? Come on, I used to do and hour each way to school every day for years. Usually at Christmas having the right people in the right place takes precedence over any other plans, and I am shocked they didn’t prioritise coming to get you. It would also have made things nicer for your mum rather than being left alone. I can only assume they didn’t bother to fully grasp your situation.

Really poor on their part I think. I am sorry you had to deal with that especially on top of such a difficult time with illness. You sound very strong and independent to me dealing with all that.

Dibbydoos · 31/12/2023 10:12

What a shame your car was goosed and you couldn't afford to hire a car :(

I'd be gutted too, but you can't blame anyone for not being able to collect you It is a c2.5hour trip...

Caroparo52 · 31/12/2023 10:13

Sorry this happened but it was very optimistic of you to expect your car to pass its MOT on Christmas Eve. If you knew you were driving then couldn't you have arranged the MOT and service in early December?

Angelsrose · 31/12/2023 10:13

YANBU, your family should have collected you especially after all you have been through this year. I hope that you continue to recover and I'm glad you were able to celebrate with your DS.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 10:17

Caroparo52 · 31/12/2023 10:13

Sorry this happened but it was very optimistic of you to expect your car to pass its MOT on Christmas Eve. If you knew you were driving then couldn't you have arranged the MOT and service in early December?

If my car had been off the road for 6 months since it's last MOT, I wouldn't expect there to be that much needing done either.

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 31/12/2023 10:22

All the excuses about needing a lift are redundant though.
It was the Saturday

Buses were running,no need for an expensive taxi or a lift

In changing the date of the MOT to the 23rd op has excluded all the reasons she couldn't get there 😬