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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 20:04

Op it's shocking and he's being so open and brazen about it.
Please don't be the boiled frog because he's talking in this way it becomes usual for you.

I'm all for sharing equally with step dc but you are not at that stage and suggesting your daughter can't have a room in her own home esp in these circumstances is beyond shocking.

I would never do this to my dc in the same situation I would only say...

Ditch him but very carefully.... I don't trust him at all.

mumyes · 29/12/2023 20:04

Jesus H Christ! He sounds like an utter moron!! Get rid of. Immediately.

Andthereyougo · 29/12/2023 20:05

DemBonesDemBones · 29/12/2023 19:42

He's made my skin crawl just reading your post. Cut him loose!

Snap! My spidey senses were going from the off.
🚩 🚩 all over.

Doteycat · 29/12/2023 20:05

Ah stop.
I'd be still laughing as I shut the door behind him once he suggested his lads took my dds room.
Like I'd seriously be howling at the cheek of him.
He'd be so gone.

Riverlee · 29/12/2023 20:05

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:56

Does he have a house op, or is he renting? Has he started asking about moving in?

Good question. I think we know the answer.

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 20:06

Seems like he is testing the waters OP by jokingly asking if you'd pay for his kids to go on holiday. He's trying to see how much he can push his luck and see how far you'll bend.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this and I'd take a big step back if I were you and distance yourself abit, don't let this man get his feet under the mat just yet.

DeeCeeCherry · 29/12/2023 20:06

But you've got drama. It's staring you full in the face that you've picked up a greedy troll who sees you as his cash cow, yet here you are pondering about him instead of having kicked him to the kerb already. He's not into you, he sees you as vulnerable and naive, a woman who can eventually be controlled into giving him money. I bet if your eldest DD's were living at home they'd have sussed this scrounger already. You're a grown woman. You know what to do.

& don't have his children staying round yours either. Wtf...give your children space to breathe its only 4 years since they lost their dad. Why can't you keep your relationship away from them? Hasn't this man got his own place where you can be together?

Honestly if you don't catch hold of yourself you'll forever attract lame ducks who'll latch onto you as gullible

PostChristmasPaunch · 29/12/2023 20:06

I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

That would be it, for me.

No effing way is someone else going to tell me how I spend my own money.

No way.

floranginajelly · 29/12/2023 20:06

TodayForTomorrow · 29/12/2023 20:04

I think your intuition is spot on here. He thinks he's going to be able to move into your home and live the mortgage free life, with two incomes and low expenses. He's 'jokingly' pushing against your boundaries to see how much of a pushover you are, and wisely you're put off by it.

Don't waste any more time on him. I'm sure he has some "lovely qualities" that he is using to secure you as a partner, but I don't get the impression that he has your best interests in mind at all.

This

Riverlee · 29/12/2023 20:08

Forgot to answer your question.

“is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets?”

Yes!

(and listen to your woman’s instinct/gut/spidery senses/…)

Over40Overdating · 29/12/2023 20:09

He’s not your partner OP, he is a very new boyfriend who isn’t going to work out long term, or even to the end of the year as he’s a money grubbing, resentful little turd with both eyes on your bank account.

That he had the nerve to make any presumptions about where his kids would sleep, much less your daughter (in her own room!) is a snapshot of what you could expect from this Prince of Poncing if you made things serious.

Out the door with him before he starts shunting your kids through it.

Gymnopedie · 29/12/2023 20:09

OP your DH was savvy enough to ensure that if anything happened to him you would be financially secure. Do you think he would be happy if he thought that money was being used to support this conniving golddigger?

Give him the boot right now. Then where his DCs sleep at New Year won't be anything to do with you.

3peassuit · 29/12/2023 20:10

He’s waving those red flags right under your nose. Get rid.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 29/12/2023 20:10

He is a crass parasitic low-life scrounger with his eye on the prize(s).

WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft · 29/12/2023 20:10

@smilingeleanor none of us want you to feel rubbish about how disingenuous his feelings may be. Am sure you are lovely on your own, without your solvent financial position. But obviously we can be far more objective than you can.

Would this new boyfriend (9 months is quite new in my book) have been aware of your loss? Before meeting you would he have heard about it through colleagues?

He is making a very poor job of hiding his greed.

Imagine a 24 year old coming on here and saying “I lost my mum 4 years ago. My dad’s new girlfriend seems fine, but I heard her ‘joking’ with him the other day about him wanting to take me on holiday with my 4 siblings. She suggested that he pay for her children instead.
I’ve also heard her saying her children should have my old room when they stay at my family home. I don’t want to hurt or upset my dad but I think his money is very much part of his attractiveness to her. I fear for my 9 year old DB. If she moves in with my dad I don’t think it will be good for my brother, or my other siblings come to think of it.
I don’t think she will be a good stepmother to them. But my dad can’t see it. He’s had an awful time and deserves a bit of companionship, but not this woman.”

Original poster
smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:10

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

He is divorced and they sold family home - he now has small (but perfectly nice) terraced house, he's mentioned a loan he has and i know he pays maintenance as well so our incomes - whilst similar - don't result in the same outcome.

he definitely won't be proposing Grin we've had no talk at all of him moving in or sharing lives together and that isn't what i want at all

his boys have only stayed twice before - both times in spare room as my daughter wasn't there. I didn't really think about it for NYE until he mentioned it but he did know my daughter was coming and it's her old room ....

i think on reflection too soon to be holidaying together. We're a more the merrier type family so boyfriends/ girlfriends/ friends etc always welcome to tag along and i think i got carried away with this. I think will say as it's too soon to have family holiday together.

OP posts:
youveturnedupwelldone · 29/12/2023 20:10

He's trying to spend your money for his own advantage! Very unattractive and a big red flag for the future. He's not going to be your partner ever unfortunately. I kind of understand the curiosity about your finances however the insinuation that you should pay for his kids to go on holiday is where you see his true colours coming through. Life with this man will be a tedious battle over money forever.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 29/12/2023 20:11

He sounds grabby and invasive. Suspect his behaviour will just get worse if he’s allowed to get more comfortable. I’d cut things off now while your lives are relatively un-intertwined.

Zanatdy · 29/12/2023 20:13

That’s your daughters room, how dare he suggest his kids have it instead on NYE. If they don’t want to sleep on an air bed then they need to stay elsewhere. It’s clear you don’t want to share your financial situation with him, he should respect that, but clearly doesn’t and this is only likely to get worse

Cakeandcookies · 29/12/2023 20:13

OP I think the fact you have written this post to ask others to confirm how you are feeling, in the kindest possible way says it all. You have a niggle something is off and I doubt that it's going to get any better. He is trying to get a free holiday, party and looking up the £ of your house and constantly questioning savings etc. Make sure everything is protected and do not let him move in. It also sounds awful but it's your house and your family your DD should be able to come home and sleep in her old room and not give it up to 2 others of a man who hasn't been around very long. I would distance yourself and see what happens. Good luck and wishing you well 💐

willWillSmithsmith · 29/12/2023 20:13

I would not like someone coming in trying to control or insinuate themselves into my finances. Maybe you need to have a very to the point conversation that your finances are none of his business and he needs to either stop or leave the relationship.

StaunchMomma · 29/12/2023 20:14

🚩🚩🚩

The red flags are sending you a clear message, OP.

He's money grabbing and has his eyes on your finances.

Get him gone!

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 20:14

Beggars belief that he would dare to think his sons should be prioritised over your own dc, both in terms of the room and your dc paying for their holiday so you can pay for his sons.

He’s a knob and you will come a cropper in some shape or form if you keep seeing him.

BarelyCoping123 · 29/12/2023 20:14

9 months!??!
That's not a "partner" OP!
Horrible! Run for the hills!!!!

GreatGateauxsby · 29/12/2023 20:14

BitchImTheSecretIngredient · 29/12/2023 19:29

Throw this one back OP

100%

There are multiple warning signs here.

you have assets and several children.
Run, don’t walk.