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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 29/12/2023 20:15

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

OP these replies might be very difficult to read. But stop backtracking. If he'd done this from the first meeting you'd never have got involved. He had to get you to like him before he could start on the ££ signs. He managed 6 months. This is the real him, what he was before was an act. Walk away.

scoobydoo1971 · 29/12/2023 20:15

Please ditch him. He resents your financial situation, he is jealous and this will get nastier. It is none of his business, and he will sponge off you if you let him. I write this from the bitter experience of ditching three aspiring gold diggers who eventually showed their true colours, and started drooling over my assets. One even wanted to be put on the payroll of my company. There are some adults out there who have no dignity, and want a partner to pay for everything including debts. To be fair, my suitors were not as brazen as your man so quickly. The fact he is being this bitter and begging so early on is definitely not a good sign at all. You will never know if he likes you for you, or your purse. This is why I got rid of all three previous partners as they all wanted marriage, moving in the house and being part of my business activities...erm no thanks. The money and security is for your children and your retirement years, so please don't let him get his hands on it.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 29/12/2023 20:15

I think he and his boys would be far more comfortable in their own home on NYE.
Cancel their invite and have a lovely time with your family.

Darkandstormynite · 29/12/2023 20:16

smilingelenor just because he didn't talk about money for the first 6 months doesn't mean to say it's not been on his mind. Seems to me like he's been weighing up the situation whilst being convivial company.

Shakespearesister · 29/12/2023 20:16

I very rarely say LTB as I try to see the good in people but this guy must go. That’s it!

userxx · 29/12/2023 20:16

BitchImTheSecretIngredient · 29/12/2023 19:29

Throw this one back OP

Yep, he needs to go.

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 20:17

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 20:14

Beggars belief that he would dare to think his sons should be prioritised over your own dc, both in terms of the room and your dc paying for their holiday so you can pay for his sons.

He’s a knob and you will come a cropper in some shape or form if you keep seeing him.

I have to agree with this. The nerve of him!!

Bigcoatweather · 29/12/2023 20:17

OP you sound lovely and as a PP has said, your DH did his best to leave you in the best situation if the worst happened. It did.
Even if he didn’t realise it in the beginning, this man is clearly thinking he’s hit the jackpot. A good, self-sufficient man wouldn’t be digging into finances or trying to have a say on his children having prime bedrooms.
I suspect whether, considering his own divorce and maintenance, he’s feeling hard done by and is rather (subconsciously) jealous of your position.

Please be careful OP. We have intuition for a reason and he’s possibly looking to climb back up to the financial situation he was in pre-divorce.
Your finances and holiday choices are none of his business.

Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 20:18

Run don’t walk. Your finances are absolutely none of his business at this time and looking up the value of your home tells you that he is working very hard to make it his business.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 20:18

He managed to contain his intentions for 6 months op that's all. Now the real him is emerging.. And it isn't pretty.

LakeTiticaca · 29/12/2023 20:18

Sorry to be blunt but this tosser needs gone, like, now.
Don't be the poster who comes back in a couple of years time saying he's moved in, quit his job, edged your kids out of their home, and you are bankrolling him and his kids. I can imagine the £££ signs rolling in his eyes!!

InSpainTheRain · 29/12/2023 20:18

He wants your money. Start 2024 afresh and dump him. No need to say why. Just say you're not feeling it. Sorry OP that's it has turned out that way.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/12/2023 20:19

I’m afraid he sounds ghastly more 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩F1. This is supposed to be the happy lovey dovey new relationship time . Get rid of him

Supertayto · 29/12/2023 20:19

Oh my word. This has given me the ick. As a PP has said you are now a golden goose and therefore probably need to consider a dating pool of men who are as or more solvent than you. And even then keep them at a distance financially to protect your children’s assets.

One could give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and argue that you not being open about your finances feels like the behaviour of someone who doesn’t want to commit BUT the pattern of behaviour he’s exhibiting just makes me feel that at some point he has realised that his life would be more comfortable hitched to your wagon. Also, 9 months is a very new relationship so why would you be open about finances at that point. Very uncomfortable. Very suspicious. Goodness. I think cut him loose and start the new year afresh and without feeling as though you are about to be robbed. Good luck to you.

Floopani · 29/12/2023 20:19

If bastards were bastards from day one, no one would ever fall in love with them and end up in terrible situations. Don't be a boiled frog OP.

Uninvite him from NYE and the holiday. See what happens and how he reacts. I would put money on it being more of the wheedling, questioning, self centred stuff he is starting to show here.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 29/12/2023 20:20

Straight into the bin he goes lass.

Enjoy your holiday.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/12/2023 20:21

Everyone is on their best behaviour for the first 3-6 months of a relationship op.
The fact is that he is jealous of your secure position and has since clocking the discrepancy between your outgoings and lifestyles ramped up the rude entitled boundary pushing behaviour.

THIS is him, THIS is the actual man you liked at the beginning.
Listen to the niggle in your head and get yourself out of the slow boiling pan he has you in, the longer you stay the longer he has to manipulate you.
Just end it.

FictionalCharacter · 29/12/2023 20:21

He's mercenary and overly interested in your house and money. Your update doesn't make it sound any better. You're giving him the benefit of the doubt far too much. Attempting to give his sons your daughter's room in preference to your daughter is a red flag.

I hope you read the warning signs and get rid sooner rather than later.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 29/12/2023 20:21

I have a crystal clear recollection of when 2 ex-boyfriends asked me my salary.
They knew where I worked and lived.
I don't remember much else about either of them, but I do recall the exact time and place when the question was asked.
Be on your guard.

ISewISee · 29/12/2023 20:21

Gymnopedie · 29/12/2023 20:15

see I feel abit bad now reading the replies. He was never after money or even spoke about it for first 6 months but I guess he didn't realise or think. And i don't want to imply i'm some sort of millionaire cos im absolutely not and still work full time to ensure i don't need to chip into what i do have for day to day living costs.

We like the same sort of things, went out for meals, theatre, concerts, walls etc and were pretty much 50:50 - wasn't until he started coming into my home abit that the queries started. But otherwise he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

OP these replies might be very difficult to read. But stop backtracking. If he'd done this from the first meeting you'd never have got involved. He had to get you to like him before he could start on the ££ signs. He managed 6 months. This is the real him, what he was before was an act. Walk away.

100000000000000000000000000000000000% THIS!!!!!!!

AlinaSquareQueen · 29/12/2023 20:21

I’d have dumped him after the suggestion that you pay for his DSs holiday with the money freed up from your older DCs paying for themselves.

Your update suggests you have no intention of ending this relationship, and as a PP just said, you’ve backtracked somewhat from your OP.

I don’t know why posters ask for advice, get a unanimous consensus of opinion, then just ignore that advice.

NinaGeiger · 29/12/2023 20:22

Haven't read the whole thread yet but just wanted to say - this really reminds me of a situation I was in. When I was in my teens, a family member died in horrible circumstances and surprisingly left all his money to me and my mum and siblings.
Which meant I had a nest egg that most teenagers didn't have which I never touched.

I got together with my first proper boyfriend at 17 and didn't tell him about the money but he found out. Our entire 5 year relationship he was jealous of the fact I had the money and made comments like you've described. He always wanted me to pay for things, even though he was older than me and on a full time salary for much our relationship and I was a student living on my loan.

I am incredibly lucky to have inherited this money but his attitude towards it was a constant bone of contention and I'd give this guy a massive swerve if I were you.

ArcaneWireless · 29/12/2023 20:22

he is kind, reliable, funny and good company.

And is spending your money in his head and questioning what you are spending.

He can be all you say and more and also a scheming grabby cnut.

They are not mutually exclusive.

WinterDeWinter · 29/12/2023 20:22

OP, as everyone has said - even the most abusive narcissist is nice at the beginning, otherwise they'd never catch a victim.

In another nine months, you'll have lost yourself and that will be it forever .

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 29/12/2023 20:22

Sorry I’m laughing at some comments here “hotter than Satan’s Balls” and “Lodge du Coque” being stand out howlers.

I can’t believe quite a few women are giving him a second chance. He’d be out of my life quicker than you could say knife.

It doesn’t sound as if you have rose tinted glasses on re this man OP but if you have then please wake up and smell the coffee.