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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:56

Does he have a house op, or is he renting? Has he started asking about moving in?

MissingMoominMamma · 29/12/2023 19:57

Nope.

There is someone suitable out there who isn’t him.

Thankfully.

Bluebacardi123 · 29/12/2023 19:57

Alarm bells aren't just ringing, they're screaming. I would run for the hills if I were you. If you give in to his controlling behaviour even a little, it's a slippery slope. From what you've said about him, he could end up being quite dangerous to you and to your family.

End it now before you get in too deep, don't allow him to talk himself out of it. Be frank and say, "my money, afforded to me by my deceased husband, is for ME and MY children and will not be shared with anyone else, period"

I imagine when you make that clear to him and that he knows he won't be getting a meal ticket, he'll probably leave of his own accord.

You'll find someone that genuinely cares about you and your kids, just give it time

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 19:57

I’m usually the first to say there’s no drama, perfectly reasonable explanation, could it not be this instead…but nope, my eyes are wide in shock…he’s BANG out of order! Only nine months and he’s already angling to know all about your personal finances and taking liberties with your home and your generosity? Get to fuck. Throw this one back and count yourself lucky he showed his colours early.

ArcaneWireless · 29/12/2023 19:58
Bin Minogue GIF by Wellington Paranormal

Lodge du coq

pastypirate · 29/12/2023 19:59

Urgh. It's been 9 months just bun him. Yes it sounds kind some of the relationship has come easy like the kids getting on but honestly the brass neck of him!
You can spend whatever you like on your own children - whenever you like. As an adult!!! It's none of his business!!!

I think he's v envious of your secure financial position which although makes life easier for you it's a result of significant bereavement - not exactly a windfall.

Your husband clearly provided very well for his family - please don't let this wannabe in xx

floranginajelly · 29/12/2023 20:00

His behaviour is alarming. If my DH as a widower started a relationship with someone who so clearly had their eye on money I'd left for my children's security I'd haunt them both.

Parentofeanda · 29/12/2023 20:00

RUNNNNN, Hes already trying to use you for money dont do it. Thats your money from your deceased husband and your hard work. Dont let him get his grubby hands into it!! No one should be in your finances after 9 months and not even living together!

mumda · 29/12/2023 20:00

Bin him off.
Have no patience for cheekychuckers..

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 20:00

His immediate thought was to suggest your fatherless dc could work and pay for their own holiday thereby freeing up money for his children?

Alabasterbox · 29/12/2023 20:01

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Darkandstormynite · 29/12/2023 20:01

He's clearly making an inventory of your assets OP.

I'm guessing at NYE he will be suggesting he moves in and you get married next. Then your kids will be slowly phased out, bit by bit. He'll try to find a way to drive a wedge.

If you want to do an experiment, tell him casually in conversation over the weekend that you will never get married again and you will never sell your house to buy with someone else. That all your money will go to your kids. You could do it as a light hearted conversation 'oh I read this thread online where this widow was with a new partner who was pressuring her into marriage, you know I'd never do that' type of conversation. Bet he gets cross and either steps up the pressure or tries emotional blackmail. Would be interesting to see which way he goes but I bet you that you'll get a reaction!

Catsknowbest · 29/12/2023 20:01

Huge alarm bells

TomatoSandwiches · 29/12/2023 20:01

He already thinks himself and his teenagers should have priority over your own adult DC, his entitlement is vile.
He thinks he should get a say in how you run your house, how you deal with your family and how you spend your money and it's been 9 months?

Get rid of the parasite,, even when he apologises he still acts like questioning you is his right because you don't have a mortgage, none of this is any of his business, none of it op.

PurpleBugz · 29/12/2023 20:02

Nope I'd dump him.

Failing that make it clear you do t ever want to marry again and be very clear your money goes to your children only. You can always change your mind in a few years but don't let a man know this. That information may have him dumping you. You are prime target for cock lodgers

Riverlee · 29/12/2023 20:02

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:36

Yes, because he’s trying to take over the house. Next he will be proposing and wanting his name on the deeds, and to have access to her funds, he just wants to know how much she’s worth before deciding if it’s worth it.

Show quote history

That was my thought.

To be honest, looking at a house value on Rightmove isn’t that unusual, and he may be genuinely baffled by how you can afford things.

However, he doesn’t get to dictate your spending. If you want to treat your children, that’s your prerogative ( we pay for our adult children as well, similar ages) and it’s hugely cheeky to suggest that they pay themselves so you can pay for his children! You’ve not even been together a year either!

Maray1967 · 29/12/2023 20:02

nettie434 · 29/12/2023 19:38

He is definitely coming across as being far too interested in your financial situation.

This. Looking up the value of your house? Seriously alarming, I think.

TeapotCollection · 29/12/2023 20:03

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a unanimous thread

Please listen to everyone OP

TempyBrennan · 29/12/2023 20:03

He’s spied a widow with no mortgage, I dare say he does like you but that’s not all he’s liking.

Suggesting you make your children pay for themselves so you can then pay for his children is absolutely ludicrous.

if you like him just be warey and the next mention of money call him out loudly Eg ‘why do you keep asking me about my finances when we aren’t married or living together?’

Mills86 · 29/12/2023 20:03

At best, I’d find this so unattractive and I could not even date someone who even likes talking about money or is a bit stingy etc.

At worst, he sounds like he could be seriously manipulative and abusive.

I’d be grateful of him showing who he is so early on. Only worse he’ll get, OP. If I was your eldest daughter and you told me this, I’d be very concerned about him. I’d be running a mile personally.

Alabasterbox · 29/12/2023 20:03

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Witchbitch20 · 29/12/2023 20:04

🚩🚩🚩

TheCookieCrumblesThisWay · 29/12/2023 20:04

Lots of red flags - enough to put an end to it in my opinion. FWIW he may propose on NYE to further 'lock things down'.

Therealjudgejudy · 29/12/2023 20:04

He is a blatant gold digger.

Get rid asap

TodayForTomorrow · 29/12/2023 20:04

I think your intuition is spot on here. He thinks he's going to be able to move into your home and live the mortgage free life, with two incomes and low expenses. He's 'jokingly' pushing against your boundaries to see how much of a pushover you are, and wisely you're put off by it.

Don't waste any more time on him. I'm sure he has some "lovely qualities" that he is using to secure you as a partner, but I don't get the impression that he has your best interests in mind at all.