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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
ISewISee · 29/12/2023 19:46

Yeet this one out of your front door and enjoy your holiday with your daughter.

Jeez. What a self entitled giant human red flag. Nine months in and he thinks he can question you about your money? I suspect there may be other instances that you might have shrugged off but go towards building a bigger picture of this giant controlling tosspot.

jannier · 29/12/2023 19:46

And he's still your boyfriend for what reason?

Shinyandnew1 · 29/12/2023 19:46

Blimey-he sounds awful! I’d be looking forward to starting the new year as a happily single woman, not his cash cow!

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2023 19:47

OP look after the financial well-being of yourself and your children.
This man cannot be trusted. He seems to be viewing you as a potential pension pot for himself and his sons.

Haydenn · 29/12/2023 19:47

Common thread on these boards of men who have been kicked out of the family’s home looking for GF number 2 to provide the nice home they have previously been used too.
maybe keep him for fun, but this one isn’t one to get serious with

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:48

Haydenn · 29/12/2023 19:47

Common thread on these boards of men who have been kicked out of the family’s home looking for GF number 2 to provide the nice home they have previously been used too.
maybe keep him for fun, but this one isn’t one to get serious with

Don’t keep him for fun, you’d need to have very low standards to shag a man trying to profit him and his kids from your late husbands life insurance. He even wants your daughter out of her room.

no one should have standards so low they’d shag it.

Sprinklerainbows · 29/12/2023 19:48

REDDDDD FLAGGGGGGG. Big no no to talk about your house/money this early into a relationship. I’d be keen to get rid- everyone knows that life insurance would pay off the house, he wants to find out what’s in your bank account!

echt · 29/12/2023 19:48

It would be investing to know why he is divorced.

Asifiwouldnt · 29/12/2023 19:49

You must protect your finances- this is their father’s legacy for them and you to be financially safe.

This man doesn’t respect your boundaries about information and more worryingly seems jealous of your financial stability and seems to think you owe him something.

Massive red flags. Don’t tell or give him a thing and seriously consider ending this.

echt · 29/12/2023 19:49

Freudian slip! Interesting.

LunaLovegoodsLeftEyebrow · 29/12/2023 19:49

Nope.

Chuck him back.

NewmummyJ · 29/12/2023 19:49

Agree with PP, this is serious red flags. You've been dating 9 months, your finances are your business, you dont need to explain yourself. He seems to be testing the waters with the treating his sons comment, see how far he can push you! BTW I think it's lovely that you would treat your DD to the family holiday- again, none of his business how you choose to parent and spend your cash!

AuContraire · 29/12/2023 19:49

Yeah, this one's not a keeper, OP.

Sorry you stumbled across this money grabbing git.

LittleGreenDragons · 29/12/2023 19:51

Hes after your money - how dare you spend it in flooring without checking with him first!

He's after your house - how dare you put people (your own children) in certain rooms without checking with him first!

He's after your full attention - how dare you ask your adult child to come on holiday without checking with him first!

He's after your savings - how dare you spend on your children and not his!

How dare you OP? Have you no shame spending your money on yourself. This poor man is a lot more deserving of those shiny pennies than a mere woman. Let him have it all.

Lwrenagain · 29/12/2023 19:51

@smilingeleanor I'm sorry to read of your DH passing, that's incredibly sad 💐💔

Drop this overly invested in your money grabby cunt like he's hotter than Satan's balls.
Reading it got my heckles up and I've been known to use red flags to make a patchwork quilt.

You aren't a meal ticket, you don't owe him an explanation, just get rid.
He's waving his flag around so much I'm surprised wild bulls aren't trampling the cheeky fucker over.

You can do a million times better, his behaviour will give you the ick anyway. Don't let it continue, he's going to become the famous cocklodger type and you and your children have had enough trauma and stress.

caringcarer · 29/12/2023 19:53

He's just after your money OP. He knows you've got money and before long he'll be trying to move in, then move his 2 DS's in. I'd throw him back and don't tell him anything about your financial situation. Your DC lost their Dad. You should be able to treat them and frankly it is none of his business what you do with your money. Before long he will throw in a proposal......

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 29/12/2023 19:53

I'd relegate him to 'man I'm dating' as this then puts him a step away from being your partner

How you spend your money and on what is not his concern or business. His sons and his household are are his concern and not your business

Id keep it this way for now but ultimately I think I'd be ending this relationship because he clearly is feeling hard done by financially and wanting you to bridge gaps

InAPickle12345 · 29/12/2023 19:53

Nope the hell out of there... this guy sees a mortgage free house and woman with no debts and disposable income. Even if he does have feelings for you, his behaviour is such a HUGE glaring red flag.

Don't let this guy move in.

Don't marry this man.

Don't have children with this man.

Don't commit to this man in any way, shape or form.

ActDottie · 29/12/2023 19:54

He seems grabby. You are in a good position not having a mortgage etc. but it’s come at a terrible cost of you losing your husband :( how can he be so grabby and insensitive about that. I’d be looking at ending it.

alltoomuchrightnow · 29/12/2023 19:54

Nay nay and thrice nay!

Olika · 29/12/2023 19:54

Get rid of him asap. He is trying to get you provide for him/his boys/your life moving onwards and it will just get worse. He will use you for money if you don't end it.

ColourByNumbers88 · 29/12/2023 19:54

Go with your gut. Time to call it a day with this man.

3luckystars · 29/12/2023 19:55

I would also get rid of him. He will keep chipping away at you.

your instincts are right!!! the alarm bells are ringing for a reason, you should listen. Good luck x

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 19:55

I know you wouldn’t, but please don’t chuck your child out her old room for new year so his kids can have it. The damage and hurt would be huge. I really think you need to end this immediately. I genuinely do. But don’t do that to your daughter. Or give this man and his kids any money or things of value.

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 19:55

He doesn't sound a decent man.

Of course his sons can't have your daughter's old room. She'll be in it! They sound as entitled as he is if they're whining about having an airbed.