is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

and I've paraphrased his message - he did give abit more detail about the insecurities it's brought out and his reflections on this.

We're not all perfect and i know i've not always reacted in logical ways to situations. At least he has worked out what pushed his buttons

Agreed. It's a shitty thing to do. Some posters just like to feel that little bit superior.

So, he's insecure about flooring?

He's insecure about holidays he can't really afford - so he expresses this insecurity by "joking" that OP should pay for his sons to attend, says if her children paid for themselves that would free up the money for OP to pay for his sons to attend this holiday, oh it was only a joke!

Was it insecurity that made him take over OP's daughter's room for his sons?

Was that his insecurity that made him blame OP for feeling uncomfortable about his numerous prying comments and attempts to control her finances and distribution of bedrooms for his offspring?

He may well be feeling "insecure" - or, in other words, envious, bitter, less than, and resentful - but he is acting out of a desire to control and to redistribute OP's larger share of the pie his way and towards his sons.

Op you are being so understanding about your partner and it is indeed important to reflect that none of us are perfect. However there are certain men that are absolutely ruthless in their pursuit of a woman's money and control over a situation that is absolutely none of their business. I'm fairly certain your partner is making these comments about your adult DC in the hope that you come round to his way of thinking and start pouring your money into his sons instead. Tread very carefully as you plan to.

What has “pushed his buttons” is that you have more money than him and he wants to get his hands on some of it. That’s all there is to it, whatever excuses he has made for himself.

Spot on.

I do think he's decent but as he has acknowledged - somethjng in my situation has triggered a negative response which he's recognised and addressed properly as far as I'm concerned.

Did you ask- or did he explain- what the negative response was?

There wasn't really a negative response.

What comes across is he is jealous of your finances, though God knows how he can be, given how you acquired them!

Is he jealous that he's having to pay for his children, after the divorce, he's in a smaller house, and he can't afford to pay for his sons to go on the holiday he wanted with you?

Nothing you have said here shows he has changed or addressed anything at all.

Bottom line is he's jealous.

He will carry on being jealous and trying to tell you how to manage your money.

Do you now why he divorced? (You only have his word it was amicable- be interesting to see if his ex thinks the same!)

Was it because he was controlling?

Sorry but he will be 'good' for a while but something else will crop up again and you will be back to where you were last week.

I think you are doing exactly the right thinks- looking after your family, taking your time, asking questions , trusting your instincts, slowing things down and giving yourself some space, having boundaries, not allowing him to push and control. You sound as if you are level-headed, rational and a great mum and not going to allow a man to interfere and, possibly, take advantage. Your terms that you're comfortable with. Good for you OP. Happy New Year!

Dump immediately - he has shown his true colours and worse is yet to come!

TBH this man needs to consider some therapy and get to grips with his 'insecurity' before he dates anyone else.

Maybe he's the sort who would only be happy if he was the 'boss' the main earner, and able to control the woman.

He certainly has baggage if he gets upset about you having more money and it makes him feel insecure.

I have to ask, if you're talking to someone in person and they mispronounce a word, do you gleefully jump in and correct them to their face? I'm just wondering if you lack social grace IRL or if you're just a twat when safe behind a keyboard...

I can’t think of any insecurities that would be justifiable to him thinking you should pay for his kids and not yours?! It’s a little worrying that you seem to be agreeing with his insecurities rather than seeing it as jealousy/grabby.

Yes dump I would say - his explanations are unsatisfactory - e.g. - HE (Not you) suggested he and his children go on holiday with you even though he knew at the time he couldn;t afford it; then HE pointed out YOU could pay for his children if you did not pay for you adult children - then on learning you would pay for your own children and not his - he revealed he could not come. That does not amount to ''insecurities'' - he was testing the water . That wasn't his only gaffe - see above!

Sorry OP, the tone of your last posts suggests that you think we're all pissing on your chips. Because of how he was at the start and the good times you had when perhaps you thought you'd never have happy times again, I understand that you don't want to let that go. But the red flags are still waving. He's obviously a smooth talker with the right answers for everything, whether those answers are genuine or not. Saying he has insecurities could easily be another way of manipulating you into feeling it's your problem to help him overcome them, spending your money on him to minimise the difference between you and allay his insecurity.

Actions speak louder than words. PPs have pointed out all the things he's done and I won't repeat them. But don't let your guard down. I'm not convinced he's had the Damascene conversion he'd like you to think he has. Even if he is (right now) genuine it's unlikely to be very long before he can't keep his feelings under wraps and he'll start again - perhaps hoping that after another few months you'll be more into him and more receptive.

Just spelling. Correcting pronunciation is unkind.

Bin him. Now.

Saying he has insecurities could easily be another way of manipulating you into feeling it's your problem to help him overcome them, spending your money on him to minimise the difference between you and allay his insecurity.

Yep!

Nobody is suggesting he's a slathering psychopath. But his behaviour and attitudes - particularly the attempts to control - are not the behaviours and attitudes of a decent man.

God help you, you seem to have swallowed his kool-aid. Best of luck.

There is quite a relevant article in the New York Times Sunday edition today https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/29/style/modern-love-suicide-new-year-dating.html

it is about a lovely, four month, romance between the writer, whose husband’s unexpected suicide left her struggling with two children and a recently divorced doctor. What makes it useful is that there were many wonderful, restorative, aspects to this romance but ultimately it was not right and she ends it. She knows it will make room for the next, deeper, relationship.

OP take this relationship for what it is. Nice in many ways, appropriate and supportive. But be wise about it and consider carefully because it will crowd out another, perhaps better, relationship with someone more in tune with you.

'Insecurities' didn't have him redistributing your child's room in their mother's home to his children. That's just brass entitlement to space in your house for his children.

Just so you know. I reported your post and MN deleted it for breaking guidelines so you might want to have a big think about your actions going forward.

Despite all that, have you any support or advice for the OP?

Do his insecurities mean op should now watch what she says about spending her own money now?

i don't think it's jealousy as prior to this he has said he thinks it's amazing what i've done to carry on after my husband died. Ive said to him it's not amazing in the slightest but you do what you have gotta do and he's seeing me with my shit together - not the darkest days.

I think it's more a case of comparison being the thief of joy - and as he said he is ashamed of himself for going down that route as he wasn't thinking about his boys having 2 loving parents in their lives when doing the comparison. It's taken him a long time to get back in his feet after his divorce and build a little bit of security, not where he thought he would be at his age etc. I also suspect he imagined i might be struggling as a lone parent - kinda like he is.

I have my eyes wide open now to any more of this but he has apologised, provided an explanation for the behaviour unprompted. I do want to see the best in people and am not holding a grudge.

I also suspect he imagined i might be struggling as a lone parent-kinda like he is.

And so he thinks that dropping hints that you pay for his kids to go on holiday is appropriate?! And wants you to pay less for your kids? And wants his kids to sleep in your daughter’s bedroom rather than her?

I honestly don’t see how him having had a divorce and having less money than he’d hoped he might at this stage, means that any of that is reasonable? What do you think his thinking behind all that is?