is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

[smilingeleanor]

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

He is only saying he was joking as you rumbled him, and he’s now back tracking, trying to get in your good books, worried he’s going to be dumped. I would stay clear of a man so concerned about your finances, after only dating for 9 months or so.

He was trying to wriggle out of his comments before and really just dug himself a deeper hole.

It's none of his business if you spend your money on your adult kids.

And why are his 'insecurities' anything to do with asking you about your money?

You don't need a man with insecurities. I'd say he is trying to be controlling.

I agree with a previous poster who said that when you've been in a long and happy relationship for decades, it's easy to jump into, or transfer, that cosy domesticity to a new relationship, that has yet to go through all the stages that a long marriage has had.

Your youngest child is still very young. It's too soon to introduce them to your new man/men as a family unit doing stuff together when they may not feel comfortable.

I think this is doomed whether you stay for a while with him or dump him outright. You lost trust in this person and will be forever wondering what his true motives are. So whether now or later, this is going to come to an end, you will just be wasting your time and energy on him

This in spades!!!

Well done OP.

I'm just repeating myself a bit here but your youngest are 9 and 14.
They are very young and the older one is pubescent teen.
Their emotions will be all over the place.

I understand you saying that you have a habit of opening your doors to people, (open house), being a generous host, and letting friends of your kids etc stay over.

However, men and relationships are different.

I think you should in future keep your relationships entirely separate from your home and family life until you are sure the man is a keeper (if that is what you both decide.)

This man was too involved in your family far too soon.

I know it's hard to put a time limit on these things, but I'd be thinking of a year at least or longer, before letting any man integrate and do family stuff, with 5 children. They are all at ages when they have lots going on anyway- uni, new jobs, upcoming GCSEs, etc and coping with a new man (having lost their Dad) is going to be an emotional hurdle for all of them.

You're right to step back for a bit.

But you'll always have this issue in your mind each time you spend money, regardless of how he is about it.

I wouldn't ever let him move in, merge finances or marry him. The seed of doubt has been sewn.

he said his joke about the twins being paid for was more a comment about how I may be overly generous with my adult children - he's got a thing about me paying for things when they're working full time. So was trying to make a point that i'm already paying for people i shouldn't

But it is still none of his business. He is still not getting that your finances and whether you choose to treat your adult children are not for him to comment on. Many parents pay for adult children's' holidays (I am paying for our dds aged 28 and 26 to join us next year). But but using the terms that you are "already paying for people [you} shouldn't" he is letting you know that he disapproves of you spending money on your own children. How would a relationship ever work long term when he still feels he has a right to approve/disapprove your spending and tries to insert himself into your finances and relationship with your kids.

anyhow - i took the opportunity to say my finances are not his concern and i wouldn't be entering into any conversation or engage in a debate about my personal affairs and could he please stop commenting. He went abit quiet and nodded.

So when you say that he went a bit quiet do you mean he was sulking that you won't discuss finances with him? This is a pretty bad sign.

I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back abit

If I am honest it sounds like he is trying to restart the lovebombing/negging cycle again as he realised that he showed his true colours too early.

What does he mean by "insecurities" anyway? It seems like a manipulative word to make you feel sorry for him - like going "quiet" last night. His behaviour reeks of entitlement and control rather than "insecurity" - he feels entitled to allocate rooms in your house to his kids. He feels entitled to have a say in how you spend your money. He thinks that his "rule" for financing adult children should be applied to your children - regardless of your opinion.

I don't really know if there is a way back from this. He still seems to be keen to voice his opinion on what you should and shouldn't spend your money on. Can you continue the relationship knowing that he resents your adult DC because you spend money on them?

I would be inclined to spend NYE with your own kids and take some space until January. Think through what you want to do and whether a relationship where money is the constant elephant in the room could ever work.

The problem with people like this is - thinking they are like us, basically decent - we give them the benefit of the doubt.

Then we end up doubting ourselves. Then they back off, smooth-talk us, seem really nice. We forget the prior problems. Something else happens. We give them the benefit of the doubt, again - they explain it so well! We feel sorry for them. We doubt ourselves a bit more...

I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back a bit

Only what I'd expect

Realising he's shown his hand a bit too soon and that you're not the pushover he hoped for, he won't want to lose a good thing so will reign it back and may even insist on treating you to show his "good faith" - but likely only temporarily until you've rolled over

Happily you're clearly a lot more sensible than that, and hopefully will continue to go with your gut (whch IME rarely lets us down)

@smilingeleanor I was thinking overnight that this is over really - but this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him. He'd still like to come over later for NYE but understands if I want some space. I'm minded to just give it space and suggest we go for a coffee in the new year and step things back a bit

I think this is the way to go, for the moment. Enjoy your time with your children and don't see this man tonight. He may have sent you a lovely thoughtful text this morning, but it is very likely that he simply realises he has let you see his true colours too early and is going to try again after another few months of being lovely. I suspect it isn't truly genuine, even although you think it may be.

Anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyfriend coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

You posted on here, because you had alarm bells ringing and people on here are very much supporting you in that view. With regard to his boys staying over, tonight, regardless of anything else moneywise, that was a HUGE red flag, all on its' own. He didn't ask if the boys could sleep over in your DD's old room, but told them that's what they would be doing without discussing with you first.

That was him telling you in no uncertain terms who he really is. If he was living with you, he would be ruling the household, doing whatever HE wanted to do and not caring 2 hoots what you want.

And I don't believe he was joking about you paying for his boys either. I think he was testing the waters/pushing boundaries to see what happened, especially with the suggestion that your Adult Children could pay for themselves so that you could pay for his sons. If he's paying a debt and Maintenance he will inevitably be unable to afford the things that you can. He probably does feel bad that his lifestyle has shrunk since he was divorced and he can't afford the things for himself and his sons that he would like, so that could well be where his 'insecurities' come from but that is absolutely not your concern, and he shouldn't expect it

this morning he sent me a really long & thoughtful message apologising for over stepping boundaries, letting his own insecurities get to him

Hmmm, it sounds like he’s panicking that the cost financial future he’d started to envisage with you is fading away and he wants to pull it back!

I would question his wording.

‘Thanks for the message, but what do you mean by ‘insecurities’? What insecurities do you mean and what do they have to do with me paying for nice things for my children?’

This!

I think you are right to take a step back. I don't buy his apology/excuses at all.

OP financial issues aside, you said in your OP that you’re still not sure you’re ready for a relationship. I’d say this means you’re not and I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing stepping back

💐 Happy New Year to you and your children, you all sound lovely

His excuse that he was concerned you were paying for adult kids who earn only washes if you were always pleading poverty and he genuinely worried about your financial future...

I'd skip seeing him tonight OP, this will be this hanging in the air and it's not something that needs discussing again tonight.

As per his long explanation message ... He was pushing his luck with you and was gauging your reaction ( about the holiday). Now you've asserted you boundaries so clearly, he's had to think up a comeback to his suggestion.

You sound like a fantastic parent, so please, never let anyone make you think otherwise. I love nothing than to treat or surprise my older DC too if and when I am able. It's how we are and anyone from the outside suggests I do otherwise, can quite frankly go get fucked. Does he even understand what you and your children have been though....

9 months isn't a long time to really know someone though. They say from about 6 to 18 months that masks seems to slip. And this timing is smack bang here.

I really don’t think you should rngage with the letter of excuses at all—certainly not by asking about his “insecurities “— he will see this as opening the discussion back up and then it turns into a negotiation and your stated boundary will be overrun.

I also think you should reread this thread because the money criticism is just the tip of the iceberg. Its easy for him to get you fussing over one thing and confuse you by saying “it was just one thing!” “It was a joke “ “you misunderstood ” etc… but its not just one thing in isolation but a pattern. And that pattern is very concerning.

You are widowed! You and your children are grieving! Mr two boys on a mattress should have the maturity to reflect that OF COURSE you and your little family are going to do things differently from the way he would.

He knows he fucked up and you are onto him. Hence the backtracking bullshit.
He has a thing about paying for people who work fulltime?
Do u know what I would have said?
But darling ill be making sure they get every single penny I have anyway, its ALL for them. So they may as well enjoy it now. Its not like anyone else will get any of it.
Get rid of this slimeball.
But maybe watch him squirm for a bit. He deserves it.
Scumbag.

Ffs. Does it really matter. 🙄

If Sir Chris Hoy was so inclined to shove his bike into reverse, I’m afraid your cyclist would still beat him for the back pedalling.

He doesn’t get to comment on how you spend your money - even if it is on your adult children.

My ex is well into his fifties. His sister is the same. Their parents pay for them and his sister’s family to go on holiday with them two or three times a year. They love each other’s company.

His folks decided to spunk the inheritance on happy times together.

I appreciate that this is not your situation but I understand how it would be lovely and important for you and your children to be together, enjoying happiness, after having such a devastating loss.

How and when that happens is up to you and your kids. No-one else. And definitely not someone who has been lucky enough to be let in your orbit for a matter of months.

Well, does it really matter doing anything correctly.

This - I’d totally ask what insecurities.

I do think he's decent but as he has acknowledged - somethjng in my situation has triggered a negative response which he's recognised and addressed properly as far as I'm concerned. If it rears its head again then I will call time. He has a good relationship with his family, nice friends and appears to be a loving and attentive father - has an amicable relationship with his ex and no sign of any drama so I think this speaks to his general nature.

I've suggested we have abit of space with our relative families and meet for a coffee next week - he seemed fine with that.

anyhow happy new year to all!

About spelling, please don't pick posters up on this. My very clever daughter has profound dyslexia and couldn't distinguish between 'reign' and 'rein' in a million years. Even if she learnt it once, it would fall out of her head as her visual memory is poor. She still has a lot of very insightful things to say. It may just be that the poster does too.

It also distracts from the thread, which has been very interesting, and I think the OP will need time to think it through and see how she feels. My guess is she knew the answer by writing the post, because otherwise it wouldn't have been written. You just want someone else to confirm your discomfort is normal.

Good result OP.

Fwiw I don’t think ‘insecurities’ is the right word - it’s more envy and covetousness.