Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Raincloudsonasunnyday · 30/12/2023 00:09

He sounds like a ship searching for a stable port.

You sound trusting, and possibly a bit naive and unaware of just how grim it is out there, dating at your age and in your circumstances.

Remember, you didn’t know this man from Adam before March this year.

You have a lot to lose and this man is telling you he’s looking to gain. Listen to him.

Tonightforonenightonly · 30/12/2023 00:21

I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of him - no second chances. He has let his guard slip and shown his true colours. I wouldn't be able to sleep with him.

norma1980 · 30/12/2023 00:26

You sound like you have your head screwed on with this. Your youngest is only 9 - bless them losing their dad so young and the rest of your kids. You sound like a lovely mother who is putting them first and securing their future. Sorry this bit of happiness for you is an actual turd. You deserve better. He's putting your future and your kids financial stability in jeopardy. That life insurance wasn't for him it was to secure your future and your kids future. You know the answer already- cut him loose. I could t be near him after this or sleep with him. Deeply unattractive

Milkandnosugarplease · 30/12/2023 00:31

@smilingeleanor share none of your financial information at all. He has no right to it

Ironingpile · 30/12/2023 00:36

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 29/12/2023 19:31

Run the fuckaway

Agree! Run, run as fast as you can!

Mamanyt · 30/12/2023 00:37

Um. No. TIme to chalk this one up as a learning experience, and move on. He's being awfully pushy about things he has no right to be pushy about. It's not going to get better.

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2023 00:39

Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

The fact that he would even volunteer this sort of information ... ! Most cock lodgers are not QUITE so brazen at this stage of the game.

Somebody obviously thinks he's onto a sure thing.

Sillysausage2 · 30/12/2023 00:39

Out the gap!!

Ofcourseshecan · 30/12/2023 00:43

OP, I would stop calling him your partner, and describe him as a friend. He’s getting his feet too comfortably under your table. You can enjoy dates with him, and share some family events. But he’s starting to feel too entitled.

Kbop82 · 30/12/2023 00:43

O boy run! What's his financial setup? Chuck him out in the January clear out xx

Kbop82 · 30/12/2023 00:46
Meme Reaction GIF by Robert E Blackmon

All of this??

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 30/12/2023 00:47
Shock Wow GIF by Pringles

Cocklodger Claxon!!

blackpanth · 30/12/2023 00:52

Get rid

CatNoBag · 30/12/2023 00:52

Money might be tighter for him as a single parent due to the costs of divorce etc, but his children still have two parents, potentially two incomes, two family holidays etc. The money you got after losing your husband makes up for losing his financial contribution to the family and also to soften the blow of losing a parent for your children. It looks like you’ve been very wise with making sure you have a secure financial future after losing your husband, but that money is for you and your children’s future, not anyone else who comes along and feels hard done by in comparison. Your children lost their dad, if he wants to play the ‘poor me’ card I think you’ve got top trumps!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 30/12/2023 00:56

Damn, I have the ick and I've never met him.

🚩🚩🚩Dump him and run like mad

FuckityFuckBollocks · 30/12/2023 00:57

OP it sounds like you already realise this but hell is a golddigger. He knows you are a widow and your house would have been paid off and has looked up the market value. Please, please don’t bring this man any further into your children’s lives.

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 01:04

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2023 00:39

Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

The fact that he would even volunteer this sort of information ... ! Most cock lodgers are not QUITE so brazen at this stage of the game.

Somebody obviously thinks he's onto a sure thing.

Yep.

Crass at best, cocklodger material most likely. Squat for a few years then sue for half the value of the property!

Geoff0409 · 30/12/2023 01:06

@smilingeleanor I have no idea what a "cocklodger" as mentioned by some other posters is, but it really made me laugh. Nice fella or not, it really isn't any of his business what your finances are. If you are treating your kids to a holiday that's your perogative and not really anything to do with him. And very cheeky looking up the value of your house 🤦‍♂️

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 30/12/2023 01:13

I'm so glad that you posted about this OP,
You read as a really warm, open and giving person. I hope that the replies here have helped you to see that there is something amiss with him, and his expectations of you and what you should extend to him and his boys, and hopefully you can step away from this without too much upset or hassle to deal with.
He is definitely not the partner that you deserve, in sorry you've met someone like this, whilst trying to move on from your loss. Wishing you all the best.

WinterDeWinter · 30/12/2023 01:21

Candleabra · 29/12/2023 23:54

This is a very wise post

Show quote history

I agree - very insightful.

JoBrandsCleaner · 30/12/2023 01:26

He fancies being a big fat cuckoo in your nest and he thinks you’re stupid. At least twice you were supposed to put his kids before your own, I’d be livid.

wronginalltherightways · 30/12/2023 01:38

WHen you talk to him tomorrow, OP, I'd make sure you tell him you have no intention of ever marrying again because it's too complicated with children. Happy to be in a relationship, but you will be remaining financially independent, as you will also expect of any future partner. To protect yourself and your children. Just like you would assume any partner would be doing for their own children.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/12/2023 01:52

I don't like this at all OP, honestly not one bit. He's continually testing the waters to see what he might be able to get paid for and then passing it off as a bit of a joke, and is repeatedly making you uncomfortable (because you wouldn't feel uncomfortable) by choosing his moments to try and essentially find out exactly what you really 'got' when your DH died, he suspects quite a bit IMO and is behaving in a way that implies he is an interested party.

Id be telling him in no uncertain terms that our family money and what is spent on my DC isn't up for discussion and my finances and the circumstances of them are not something he needs to know because they aren't ever going to be a shared asset, asking about people's financial health is rude.

It's him that's putting you in this position and he's only doing it because he very clearly wants to know. Even asking is one thing but angling for freebies for his DC shows you the crux of the matter. The 'joking' comments about you paying are not jokes, they're what he hopes you will eventually agree to do.

I lost a partner when I was younger and inherited precisely nothing, and it's amazing how many people just can't help but pry or who assume that it is some sort of given that being 'widowed' leaves you rich.

Dweetfidilove · 30/12/2023 02:41

@MsPavlichenko is correct.

It sounds like you’re minimising his behaviour. Please don’t ignore your instincts. They sent you here for a reason.

loggerheads · 30/12/2023 02:42

I have a friend in a similar position - her husband died quite suddenly and she became a single parent to 3 young children. His life insurance and death in service benefit paid off the house but she'd have given all the money back in a heartbeat to have her DH at home again.

Perhaps your new bf needs to rethink how he sees this. You have assets because you endured a massive personal loss. It's done what it was intended to do, give you one less thing to worry about.

It's not random cash floating about, it's linked to a death and it's none of his business.

Swipe left for the next trending thread