Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 30/12/2023 02:56

Cocklodger alert!
Get rid

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/12/2023 03:02

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2023 19:36

So where do his sons expect to sleep? Surely not your daughters room...?

I'd be inclined to be very straight. Let him know you've clocked him. "You seem very interested in my finances, we're not married or even living together... I'm not sure why you think it's any of your business".

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Once.

I don't think OP letting him know she's 'clocked him' is a good idea. I'd worry how he'd react to being 'rumbled'.

OP - I agree with PPs who say to run. So many red flags here. Just tell him you don't think the relationship is working, and move on.

HellsBells67 · 30/12/2023 03:17

He's trying to guilt you into making things equitable for his boys as though they're hard done by when your children have lost their father! I can only echo so many others on here, get rid.

raspberrycardigan · 30/12/2023 03:42

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:54

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

I dont actually think his lads would care where they slept - they've always been polite, a little shy but seem easy going. It was him that got narky around expectations. he's very protective of them and i think was going into that mode

Everything you have already stated should tell you what you need to know.

You are clearly a nice woman who thinks well of others, and has not experienced a man like this. Many of us on this thread have, and have come out the other end broke, humiliated, and demoralised.

Of course he was charming in the first six months. (Mine only managed the first six weeks.) But he has shown you his true colours in all these instances you've listed and not wanted to think ill of him about.

Do think ill.

bevm72yellow · 30/12/2023 03:50

He has a sense of entitlement because he is in an intimate relationship with you. Untangle yourself promptly from him. He is on the lookout for his own needs and interests. Your needs or your family needs come as priority. Good luck.

REignbow · 30/12/2023 04:05

I agree with everyone else. Your instincts are rousing thoughts, so please listen to them as they are right.

Get rid. You deserve so much better.

Ladyj84 · 30/12/2023 04:20

Wow get him kicked out looking the value up of your house wow wow. that would have been him gone for me. Sorry I reckon he's been wiggling his way in for all the wrong reasons. Do not let him move in, don't go on holiday with him get rid of him. Huh if anything like one of my exes magically loses bank card on day one of holiday and I end up paying and never got the promised money back. He was gone 4 days after we flew back home. You sound lovely as does your family. Get rid of the rat before it disturbs the family

ButterBastardBeans · 30/12/2023 04:41

Please do not tell him you find his interest in your finances irksome. Say nothing and see how far he will go because at least then you have the true picture.

I would find this really off putting and upsetting though.

If (when) you do eventually get critical levels of ick and bin him. Don't tell him this is why. It is not your job to educate and rehabilitate him and he will do this to the next and the next, thus his true colours will show.

When I met my DH and we discussed marriage, we had a full disclosure and decided that whilst I had more assets, he had more long term income from different sources and they balanced out. We also agreed to take whatever we both brought to the marriage if we separated (for all the good that was in the event of divorce but it showed intention).

We've always kept our finances separate (married 24 years) and it works. We discuss all major purchases.

RiderofRohan · 30/12/2023 05:24

Trying to get you to pay for a holiday for HIS spawn! And after just nine months of dating?! If you ever married this man, he'd have his hand permanently lodged in your pocket.

You don't want this scrub. Get rid quickly.

brainworms · 30/12/2023 05:36

PUT THE WHOLE MAN IN THE BIN.

OstrichOla · 30/12/2023 05:47

@smilingeleanor

I hope you read this.

When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

He's not your partner, he's interested in you for all the wrong reasons. He may have even clocked it in your first conversations.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 30/12/2023 05:49

The first instance could be passed off as pure curiosity . There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know things about a potential long term partners’ financial situation in general.
However the expectation that you would pay for his sons to go on holiday so soon in your relationship is a red flag. Added to that the way he’s trying to justify his ridiculous suggestion and he’s definitely a cock lodger.
It would be best all round to end this sooner rather than later. He will only get more entitled as time goes on.

MustBeGinOclock · 30/12/2023 05:52

Oh op.
Yes definitely a few red flags here.
He has no business trying to interfere in your decisions you are separate entities.
I do think he is out for what he can get unfortunately, please be careful.
You've been through so much you don't deserve more heart ache.
I'd really consider cutting him loose.

Frangipanyoul8r · 30/12/2023 05:55

Snide comments where you have to defend yourself in a relationship less than a year old…. Ditch him. This is the honeymoon period, it won’t get better. If he’s happy to be snide to you he’ll definitely be snide to your kids.

Waytogoidaho · 30/12/2023 06:08

OP I think you’ve answered your own question here. The timbre of your post reveals exactly how you feel about him & the overwhelming response by everyone is the same. There may be a reason he is hyper vigilant about wealth - is there a back story here? Did one of his parents die early, leaving the other penniless, for example? Either way the fact your hackles have been raised is sufficient warning for you to either explore these fears and question him about them or extricate yourself from the relationship. You are the sole parent in your children’s’ lives now - natural you are super sensitive to anyone else around them

Lampzade · 30/12/2023 06:13

Dump him before the New Year Op .
Do not stay with this man under and circumstance

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 06:14

OP just have a serious think about it. We agree here that we don't like the sound of him but we're strangers on the internet.

You are obviously having doubts as he's pushing your boundaries. Be careful, there are an awful lot of of people out there who like to syphon off money. I'm fairly poor so don't have that problem 😁

tara66 · 30/12/2023 06:34

Let him know your late husband's FIVE children will be the only people to ever benefit from your home, inherited financial assets and security and that no partner ever will. Also he doesn't need to know how you can afford new kitchen floor or what value of your house is because those matters will never affect him. You will never prioritise his children over your own FIVE and have found him pushy about them. If he is not convinced - tell him you were never aware his finances were so weak and you find that very alarming and you want to end the relationship.

SD1978 · 30/12/2023 06:39

I wouldn't continue this- it's a relationship of 9 months. You're not looking to move in together and work out appropriate finances- what you do and how you do it is feck all to do with him. It's your home, not a joint home. His kids can sleep where there is space, not take priority over kids whose home this still is.

cerisepanther73 · 30/12/2023 06:43

@smilingeleanor

Make it your new year's resolution

To get rid of this fininiacial liberties walking talking Creep,!

It's an emotional and financial decision, i can guarantee 💯 you will never regret,

see this experience as a steep learning curb why it's so important to look after yourself, and to be astute, especially in the matters in all matter's of the ❤️ heart.

It's extremely telling that uniamously that everyone is telling you to very Wary of this man so much that they thinking be better to get out of emotional harm's reach of him by kicking out of you and your children's life,

I so wish mumsnet had been around when i started becoming interested in the opposite sex as a teenager,
What a difference it would have made in my life in that regards and other ways.

Greenpolkadot · 30/12/2023 06:44

EmmaEmerald · 29/12/2023 19:31

This.

Show quote history

And again... this

cerisepanther73 · 30/12/2023 06:46

Typo mistake
I ment to say
To keep yourself and your children out of potential emotional harm's reach of this nefarious man's intentions...

Nanaof1 · 30/12/2023 06:47

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:54

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

I dont actually think his lads would care where they slept - they've always been polite, a little shy but seem easy going. It was him that got narky around expectations. he's very protective of them and i think was going into that mode

I hope you see that people are just trying to make you aware of all the red flags waving in the wind. Many people are fun to be around and easy to talk to and like the same things. What they do not do is get overly interested in someone else's money and start to feel a bit entitled to it.

Please be careful and don't let him move in because, "he can no longer afford rent", or lend him money because, "I have to pay off this loan, so be a dear".

The "holiday talk" was a clear indication of things to come. You have money, he does not, and now he is figuring this out. It will get worse, and he will begin to think you should be paying for everything you both do, since "you have no mortgage or debt".

He looked up the value of your house. Not an abnormal thing to do, but taken with the other things he has been saying, don't be surprised if he starts wanting to get more serious because he is besotted with you and cannot be without you and wouldn't it be lovely to live together......

Just be careful. You have children to take care of and protect.

RLmadmum · 30/12/2023 07:06

Just want to pass on my condolences at the loss of your husband.

Strong alarm bells ringing for a cheeky cocklodger here. I would steer well clear, he's showing signs of using you as a meal ticket.

MortyMort · 30/12/2023 07:09

Don’t go any further with him - although I know it’s hard when you are invested in someone.

This isn’t just about the actual money, it’s about him showing his attempts to control, and his moods, already.

Imagine what he would be like if he really did feel he’d “got his foot in the door” or you made a big commitment to him?

I ignored many early signs and married again after divorce. We have now separated (his moods got worse and worse). We didn’t get a pre-nup of any kind (he acted so wounded when I mentioned it, that I backed off). I very much regret that now!

Your instincts are bang on, please start to extract yourself from this situation now (and prepare for him being extra lovely to try and get you back!)

Swipe left for the next trending thread