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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
NoTouch · 29/12/2023 23:09
Do Not Touch Sex Ed GIF by HannahWitton

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Wayk · 29/12/2023 23:13

Please please protect your house and money. You sound like a sensible lady and a fantastic mother.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2023 23:17

"He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why"

I get why, and I don't even know you. And he DOES get why - he's just saying that to guilt you into telling him details that are none of his damned business.

He's not a keeper.

TookTheBook · 29/12/2023 23:23

He sounds really disgusting and upsetting actually. You are a widow. What a dickhead he is, just thinking about how financially set up you are when you lost your husband. So sorry op.

Wheresthebeach · 29/12/2023 23:23

Run. Fast. He will take every penny he can get from you. If you marry he will get control of finances and your children will never see a penny.
Dump and run now

LaurieStrode · 29/12/2023 23:27

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2023 23:17

"He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why"

I get why, and I don't even know you. And he DOES get why - he's just saying that to guilt you into telling him details that are none of his damned business.

He's not a keeper.

This x1000.

You don't owe him or anyone else Word One about your personal finances. Not now, not ever. Wtaf?

newnamethanks · 29/12/2023 23:29

Oh OP, it's properly depressed me reading this thread. Please lose this guy, so transparent from your descriptions. Wish you all luck for the future, don't become prey for men like this, there's a few of them around.

Morred · 29/12/2023 23:29

Tell him don’t think you’re at the sharing financial details stage - do you know how much maintenance he’s paying? What % of his salary is that? What % of costs of raising two teenage boys is it? Does he rent his house or was he able to buy as a downsize when they split/sold the family home? Is it mortgaged? How long is the mortgage term? Is his ex-wife entitled to any of his pension when he gets it? What are his pension arrangements? What do they have a saved for the boys if they want to go to university/apprenticeship/internships?

If he’s so keen on financial transparency get him to go first at least!

LaurieStrode · 29/12/2023 23:29

Well stated, @Jf20

Oap, I know it's tough out there finding anyone even halfway decent to date. But keep your guard up!!

WickDittington · 29/12/2023 23:31

So he’s totting up your value, and assumes his sons take precedence over your DD in your house…?

Hmmmm , not good signs.

middler · 29/12/2023 23:33

I am so sorry you lost your husband.

I think some people are weird about money and he may be this way...and that may or may not be a deal breaker.
Not having a mortgage is unusual so he may just be curious- looking up the value of a home -it comes up as soon as you look up someone's address surely so I don't think that is too off the charts but it is cheeky to suggest you pay for his sons and that is very off putting but you picked him up on it rightly so.

If you get on in other ways, maybe give it more time but tread carefully as someone being like this with money is off putting.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2023 23:39

@smilingeleanor

So, my main question is "Do you want to keep seeing him?". I'm going under the assumption that you are a strong woman who knows what's what and will not be led down the garden path by some romantic blather and a golden penis.

If you do, then at the next financial question you need to say "'Bob', you've been probing me about my finances for some time now. They are really none of your business and I don't appreciate your questions, so don't ask me about them again. I also don't appreciate comments about how I should spend my money. I don't ask you about your finances or tell you what to do and I deserve the same courtesy. Also, whilst we're on the subject I want you to know that I have no intention of ever marrying or cohabiting ever again. The most I have to offer is an exclusive and monogamous 'together apart' where we share our lives but not our homes or our finances. If that doesn't work for you, then we need to call 'time' right now".

Chances are he'll run away, but at least you'll know the truth about him AND you'll be free to (if you choose) find someone who better suits you. If it was him having 'awkward' ideas about 'sharing' financial information, he'll apologize and accept your terms.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 29/12/2023 23:40

More red flags than a bull fight!!

No way should he be....

  1. Probing for financial info
  2. Trying to get you to pay for his children to go on holiday
  3. Telling you to make your own children pay to fund no 2.
  4. Giving out spare rooms in your home.
  5. Evicting your children to enable 4.
  6. Accusing you of being secretive, presumably to try to force you to divulge more.
Sodullincomparison · 29/12/2023 23:41

Run!!!!! I haven’t read the whole thread yet but oh no, this rings major alarm bells.

Icepinkeskimo · 29/12/2023 23:42

Some men are financial predators, and before you know it they have sussed out your net worth and move in for the kill.
Expect the undying fast track love declarations, can’t live without you “so can I live with you?” the love bombing and mr “perfect”.
Ohh indeed they can be funny, loving, considerate and romantic. It’s a role they play so well, and six months in or thereabouts the mask slips.
I cannot emphasise enough the danger of moving any man into your home after a few months. The predatory nature of some men becomes apparent with the what’s yours is mine. To try and end the relationship when you’ve eventually cottoned on and want them out is a nightmare. The guilt trips, lies and stunts they pull is calculated in the hope you will cave in.
Stay strong OP and anyone else going through a similar scenario. Even if he turns up at your door asking (but really guilt tripping) can he stay for a few nights because the central heating isn’t working. Trust me send him away, those few days turn into months of misery.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/12/2023 23:47

He's a blatant gold digger
I'm so sorry you lost your DH
Get rid of this one and look for someone decent

Poppyseed14 · 29/12/2023 23:49

Ah a cocklodger in waiting OP. You and your lovely kids can do better than this. As they like to say on Mumsnet with great frequency, he's showing you who he is, why wouldn't you believe him.

Karrak · 29/12/2023 23:50

Crook

Jl2014 · 29/12/2023 23:54

Massive red flag, OP 🚩

Wibblebits · 29/12/2023 23:54

He's trying to scam/use you for money and he's not even clever enough to be a bit subtle about it. Don't let him near you again.

Candleabra · 29/12/2023 23:54

Stravaig · 29/12/2023 21:30

This is a bit tangential OP, but - I think if you've been in a long and happy relationship which ends suddenly in bereavement, and then eventually start dating, it's easy to quickly fall into a false closeness and domesticity. Even though you know rationally that it's early days, even if there are mixed feelings (for me, moments of panic about somehow overwriting my dead beloved); you still tend to behave as though this new person is someone with whom you have a long history, deep intimacy, and trust built over many years - because that's how you are used to being in relationship. It takes effort to keep over-riding that, and being clear, no, brand new, still barely know them. Or was/still is for me. Not sure if I've expressed myself very well, it feels hard to find the words, but important.

This is a very wise post

AzureBlue99 · 29/12/2023 23:54

OP seems to have disappeared.

echt · 29/12/2023 23:56

AzureBlue99 · 29/12/2023 23:54

OP seems to have disappeared.

They updated at 20.54.

Nagado · 30/12/2023 00:00

This is not a nice man OP. And if you carry on dating him, I think you will end up really regretting it.

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 00:05

AzureBlue99 · 29/12/2023 23:54

OP seems to have disappeared.

Probably gone to bed, it's late