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Original poster

is my new partner starting to get abit weird about money and assets

638 replies

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 19:27

Name changed as some of this might be abit outing. My DH passed away unexpectedly over 4 years ago and I have been seeing my partner for about 9 months. Wasn't looking and still not sure I'm that ready but we met at a work conference thing and it's been fun and easy ....ish until more recently

I have 5 children - 4 living at home, eldest DD24 lives with boyfriend, adult DD20 at university, DS19 working full time and then DS14 at secondary and DD9 in primary school. New partner has 2 sons also both 14 who live mainly with their mum - all amicable.

There's been a few things of late concerning me - Started when i was having new flooring laid and he asked how I could afford it on my salary (we both earn about the same - we do the same sort of role so everyone knows the salary bands). He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since. Life insurance paid off the mortgage plus a payment & death in service. I've mostly invested this and use my salary for the bills - but no mortgage or debts means salary goes further

anyhow I just laughed the flooring question off - but over xmas we got in a convo about a summer holiday. I was inviting adult DD who wanted to go and he overheard me say it was my treat - he was already wanting to go and would be paying himself but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat. I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

anyhow - we've had another set to today. Having a NYE get together- DD and her boyf coming and will use the guest bedroom (her old room) as they always do. He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently.

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Im just abit fed up now - i dont want drama and i will not get into conversations about what i have invested and where. Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

OP posts:
Resilience · 29/12/2023 22:43

Im sorry about your late DH @smilingeleanor 💐

I'm with everyone else on this thread and it's a rare thread where there is such unanimous agreement- something to consider maybe.

I was actually prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt when I started reading your OP. I think knowing that you were on similar salaries and yet seeing such a difference in your financial situations would result in natural curiosity for most people. If you're also the type who is quite open about money, bringing it up in conversation isn't that weird really. However, what happened after that is very telling and that's not so much a 🚩 as red bunting!

The expectation for you to pay for his DC is outrageous for a 9-month, non-cohabiting relationship. Incredibly entitled and quite worrying to think about what he'd expect if you became more serious. I can understand (though I disagree) why he was disappointed for his DC being unable to sleep in your DD's room - but it's on him. He should never have made a promise that wasn't in his gift to give and should have had the grace to suck it up when he realised he couldn't deliver on that promise to his boys. The deflection of responsibility, the narkiness towards you also scream entitled male and are worrying.

momonpurpose · 29/12/2023 22:44

ChaToilLeam · 29/12/2023 19:28

Sounds like a potential cocklodger!

Run. He has moocher written all over him

ArcaneWireless · 29/12/2023 22:44

Cicciabella · 29/12/2023 22:36

How's your sex life ? Doesn't it turn you off that he is greedily eyeing up your finance's and getting his leg over? I got the ick just reading
And I don't even know him!!

Likewise.

You’d be snapping shut quicker than your nan’s 70s purse.

newnamethanks · 29/12/2023 22:45

He's not what you hope he is. He probably is what you think he is. Please be very careful. You'll remember Linda Bellingham - the Oxo woman - have a Google. Her poor boys. I'm sure it was never her intention for things to happen as they did but make sure they never happen to your kids.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 29/12/2023 22:48

He’s WAAAAY too interested in your finances. Anyone would be able to work out that your mortgage will have been cleared when your DH died and that you’re comfortably off. Most people would have the decency to keep their gobs shut about it. Dump him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/12/2023 22:48

🏃‍♀️ and fast

MrInbetween · 29/12/2023 22:49

Looks like his is playing the long game…

Ive thought about this, if my DH passed I would be in a good financial situation just through insurance. I can see how this would make me vulnerable to men in the prowl for an easy life!

Dontbehorridhenry · 29/12/2023 22:51

Many many alarm bells OP.

How dare he suggest that, after 9 months, he has any right to knowledge over your finances, that his children have more of a right to your daughter's old bedroom.

Or unbelievably, to even suggest you should pay for his children to go on holiday?

You are right to be very cautious, and you sound as though you have your head screwed on. He might have nice points, but people can change very quickly when it comes to potential greed, and it sounds like he's already trying to, in a way, push your children's needs and treats aside. Also, the comment suggesting your children should pay for their trip if you won't pay for his, is controlling/suggesting you're a financial unit.

Please watch your back with this one OP.

HelenHerriott · 29/12/2023 22:51

He's hinted before about my house early on and I kinda had to say well my husband died but he's been angling for more info since

He’s seeing you as someone who owns their home and he’ll know you had a life insurance payout 🚩

he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat

I don’t think this was a joke, I think this was testing the water to see if you’d easily agree to pay for them. It’s a very odd thing to joke about in a new relationship of only 9 months. 🚩

I nipped that straight away and said he'd have to pay for them as i couldn't and he got a bit narky saying well my sons and daughter who both work could pay for themselves freeing up that money

This proves it wasn’t a joke, why would he even comment on your children paying for a holiday that you’d already offered as a treat? 🚩

he later apologised but tried to say i do t get it as obviously have no mortgage or debt

Your financial situation is nothing to do with him 🚩

He seemed to think his boys would be there and has told them this - they don't want to sleep on air bed in my son's room or in the living room apparently

In his mind he’s already moved himself and his children in 🚩

Although he did admit to looking up the market value of my house!

I’d have binned him for all of the above tbh. This man is a walking, talking cocklodger and should have a red flag stamped on his forehead.

Cosyblankets · 29/12/2023 22:51

My situation is similar. Widowed. No mortgage. House owned outright. I work mainly because i want to. Financially secure etc. Mainly due to life insurance but also i have saved hard.
My second husband has never once asked about my finances and says it's none of his business. We have separate finances and he transfers me money as we live in "my" house so all the bills were all in my name. As we were both in our 40s with no kids we've never had the need for joint finances. He works hard and never asks me for a penny. He'd be too proud.

Howbizzare22 · 29/12/2023 22:53

9 months in-it’s fuck all to do with him. Nor do you need the sarky remarks. Your DH died fgs. He is soooo after your money. Clearly.
Cheeky, nosey, disrespectful bastard get rid asap

Tonight1 · 29/12/2023 22:54

This thread is unintentionally starting to make me laugh as he's so blatant.

Keep your wits about you OP.

Takenoprisoner · 29/12/2023 22:54

He's already starting to resent your dc, believing that if your working dc paid for themselves on holiday, you would be able to pay for his dc. The sheer entitlement.The sheer NERVE. After nine poxy months??!!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2023 22:54

He also says i'm closed off and secretive about my financial situation and doesn't get why

Given his intrusive questions and expectations I'd say the "why" is pretty obvious - and probably he avoided raising money for the first six months because he didn't want to ruin his chances

You don't even have to do the binning youself; just tell him you won't be discussing finances with him at all now and watch him scarper

wronginalltherightways · 29/12/2023 22:54

He will resent the fact that you have extra spending money and can treat your kids while he can't. And he's already 'jokingly' suggesting you do the same for his DCs.

I wouldn't ever consider remarrying in your position, and people like this are why.

Voerendaal · 29/12/2023 22:55

I am in the same position as you but no new man. TBH I am terrified of meeting anyone new because I am completely independent and the modest sun of money I have is for my daughters university education if she wants. She lost her father aged 10 so I want to ensure her future is secure. No man will ever compromise that security. You sound very sensible and I understand how hard the past few years have been. But divorce is very different from being widowed. Be very very careful.

StBrides · 29/12/2023 22:57

but he then said can his boys come - fine by me they are nice lads and seem to get on on with mine but he sort made a joke about me paying for them as a treat

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. 🚩

WetTowelsWillRemainOnFloorWhereTheyHaveBeenLeft · 29/12/2023 22:57

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/12/2023 21:28

Ugh. He's definitely more interested in the financial benefits he could enjoy more than you as a person.

I reckon he's looking for the moving in at the 12 month mark, but was too clumsy about it. Those pound signs were flashing up in his eyes the first time he came back to yours and he's spent the last three months trying to find out just how much of a prize he can get by persuading you that he's The One.
3 more or less grown up kids = moved out/due to move out (possibly with a little nudge from him, given time)

One the same age as his kids = 2 against 1, 'it's not fair on The Boys that he gets everything', one younger = easily drowned out or charmed into liking him,

Three kids off to university at the same time, leaving just the one he trains to like him - to even see as a father figure. Makes it harder for you to dump him and there's this house that's 'too large for just the three of us, why don't we buy something together? It's been years, you just dedicating yourself to the children instead of your needs (emotional tug on how difficult it's been for you) - it's about time to (yuk) move on'.

Yup. That’s how I see his POV.

He’s sussing it aaaaaall out. He believes he deserves more than his little terrace. He thinks it’s not fair that you have disposable income to fritter away on new flooring.

Howbizzare22 · 29/12/2023 22:57

Zoreos · 29/12/2023 21:28

I expect he needs a bigger house for his massive fucking audacity.

Show quote history

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🤣

MeridianB · 29/12/2023 22:58

I was reading your OP thinking ‘no, no, no’.

Him asking questions about money is very weird and unnecessary. He can’t help himself and is showing you who he is.

Everything you’ve described would seriously put me off him. Sorry OP.

BreaktheCycle · 29/12/2023 22:58

Major 🚩🚩🚩

My mother is unfortunately about to become a widow. Family and friends have already warned her about men like this. We’ve all heard too many stories.

At least he’s showing his true colours now. Move on.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 29/12/2023 23:03

First time I've said run for the hills! So many red flags. Let him go and find someone else who can keep him and his kids as he'd expect and focus on your kids. Xx

Rightsraptor · 29/12/2023 23:06

He wasn't interested in money (apparently) for the first 6 months either because he was slowly working on you or he didn't know until he saw your house that you were in a better position than he is. Either way he's bad news and needs to go.

thebestinterest · 29/12/2023 23:09

Closed off and secretive about your financial situation… wtf is it to him!? You barely know him! Honestly, what you’ve described gives me THE CREEPS.

Jf20 · 29/12/2023 23:09

smilingeleanor · 29/12/2023 20:54

my guard is up - i will have the conversation about the holiday tomorrow and I think his reaction will tell me what I need to know

I dont actually think his lads would care where they slept - they've always been polite, a little shy but seem easy going. It was him that got narky around expectations. he's very protective of them and i think was going into that mode

Didn’t him asking you to pay for his children to go on holiday and then wanting you to make your own kids pay so you could pay for his, tell you all you need to know?

didn’t him checking the value of your home tell you all you need to know?

didn’t him wanting you to let his kids have the room and chucking your own daughter out her own room, tell you all you need to know?

didnt him asking you about your finances , accusing you of being secretive and closed, tell you all you need to know?

didnt him being narky aboht you not coughing up the cash tell you all you need to know?

didn’t him asking how you could afford the flooring tell you all you need to know?

didnt him angling for more info on your finances once he saw rhe house, tell you all you need to know?

didn’t him telling you that you didn’t get it, as he’s a mortgage and debt, tell you all you need to know?

doesn’t the fact he doesn’t have joint custody of his own kids, tell you all you need to know?

what more do you need to know?